Dear X

Dear X,

If you don't like me, can you stop visiting? I don't like how you mess up my mind every time you come so that I feel like I like you. I don't like being depressed the day after you go, and I don't like being on tenterhooks about when you'll visit again. I know it only lasts for a week, tops, but I hate that week. I just had one of the worst days I've ever had because you left this morning and I couldn't focus in school, and I wondered if I had said good-bye properly and then I thought of all the things I wanted to say to you but didn't or couldn't.

I wanted to tell you to call when you visit next, and to go to the US for university. I wanted to tell you that I liked you but I won't. Unless we meet in 2 years, without family or parents, and you don't have a girlfriend. And then I'll say I used to. Because it's probably just me, but I don't want to wonder for the rest of my life what might have been.

I think it's sad that every time you visit I think that I like you. Because as far as I can see, although you're a nice guy, you're not the kind of person who magnetically attracts girls. You're not gorgeous, but I finally get why people like ugly guys (not that you are). It's because when I like you, unlike when I like other people, looks don't matter. But every time you come visit, even for two days, I like you. And I become needy and depressed (although hopefully you don't realize it, as I think I've done a better job of concealing it this time).

Do I love you? I haven't been able to sleep properly for the last few days (but not because I'm dreaming of you - although I did, that's not the reason I haven't slept), I can't focus in school after you left this morning, and I fall for you every time I visit. One of my friends thinks I do. But love is a big word, and I forget you soon enough.

Today, I had one of the worst days of my life because I said goodbye to you in the morning. And I can't get over it.

I should be working, but all I can think about is you.

Could you like me? Please? And could you tell me? I'm sure our families would be happy if we were a bit older, but they like each other already. And that'll stop me from wondering. Although I'll probably miss you more when you do leave. But you do things which make me like you. Like giving up FIFA 09 because I wanted to play cards (that is honestly the nicest thing that anyone has done for me recently). Like taking what I'm holding in my hand if I'm looking tired. Like listening if I order you around. Like looking at me sometimes when you think I don't notice (I'm not sure if this one is true, but I do see it sometimes). Like how you're interested in what I'm saying, and how you tease me.

I know it's stupid, but when I look straight into your eyes (which I find hard to do most of the time) I can actually feel my stomach fluttering. I'm much more casual with you now - I smack you and lean on you and push you, but I'm always aware every time we sit nearby and I know it.

So please don't visit. And if you do, then stay at least a month, tell me you love me and let me reject you.

I don't want you to be my first love, because it's probably not reciprocated and I don't want the story of my first love to be such a sad one.

Love (or crush),
Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

[I think you can tell what the last two days have been like from this mail]

Le (la?) vent

Okay, so here is where I draft a mail that I will be sending to a friend. She is my venting buddy, and I tell her everything. It's odd how our friendship sprang up. We met once at an event where we wrote each other notes (which she found hilarious! Although I've never thought of myself as a funny person). We then sent each other notes over Facebook, and somehow both of us ended up sending completely truthful, open notes about everything in our lives. I really value my friendship with her - it's different from what I have with everyone else (maybe because she lives a gazillion miles away and I'm not worried that she'll tell anyone or that she knows anyone I know - although actually she does, but that's a story for another time) - I tell her everything. And we don't have the same kinds of jokes I have with my other friends either!

Okay, this has turned into completely the opposite of what I expected. More later. I made up the fight with my mom.