Feelings are weird

I drafted the title of this post a long time ago - trying to find an outlet and feeling as though I hadn't written in a while. Not that I have that much to say, life goes on much the same as usual. Classes are actually great (partly because of how easy they are), meetings with friends are happening, and I'm just feeling far more engaged and rooted here. I feel happy almost all of the time, helping me return to the person I feel I've always been, but hasn't always come out recently.

Still, there isn't complete clarity in my head. And I'm a little bit afraid I'm merely heading for some sort of big crash. Which I will probably write about here. So we'll see.

Turns out that somehow, fate is working for me for once. So I get done with exams early and get two weeks off for spring break. I'll be going home because my parents want to see me, since they don't know if I'll be home over the summer depending on whatever job I get next year (still up in the air). Somehow, he has one free weekend and we found cheap flights, so he'll be coming to meet me...and my family. On the way back, I'll be heading back with him and spending about four days there. Making this the longest consecutive period of time we've spent together.

I still expect something to go wrong (which perhaps says something about the kind of person I am), because almost every time in the past, delayed or cancelled flights or some life circumstances have somehow gotten in the way. So only once I'm actually in the moment will I be totally carefree about it. And even then I'll probably be worrying about awkwardness...sigh.

I'm really very excited. So much so that I can't stop talking about it - to a professor during a meeting that developed into a conversation, to friends from an organization I'm part of, and to closer friends and flatmates all the time. I've been trying to cut down talking about him, but much like my other goals involving reducing contact with him, this hasn't occupied much of my mental effort and has thus been largely unsuccessful.

The excitement that I feel scares me. Partly because I'm having an amazing time here at this point, and I don't want to rush through the end of this term or sacrifice my grades in order to get to this. I'm trying to force myself to not plan this or visualize this or have any expectations, as my mother warned. As ever, it is harder to actually do this.

My feelings for him are far too complex for me to be able to explain in a few words. I care about him deeply, and just assume him to be part of my life in some way. I see him as distinctly 'away' and find it hard to imagine him as part of my life here, but still wish he was here at certain moments. I don't know if I feel strictly romantic feelings towards him, but I definitely think about kissing him. He definitely has the capacity to irritate me more than most other people, and I'm also far more likely to tell him when he is doing this. I find myself prioritizing him more than I did in January, which I don't see as a good sign.

Friends have suggested various things - from the equivalent to lingering feelings for an ex after a breakup, to this being frustration about not being able to talk to him, to the idea of simply not having to actually verbalize my feelings.

If he was here, I don't think I'd want to jump into a relationship with him. I like the idea of spending more time with him, and doing all these things I want to do with him (go places, watch movies, spend time with my friends). There are a few reservations I have - his fears about relationships, what he's actually done that he thinks makes him terrible at relationships, his feelings about close female friends (this wouldn't normally bother me, but he's said some things about how he's thought about dating all of them at some point). I'm also assuming he'd actually be interested in this, which is doubtable.

This isn't even necessarily an option - I have no clarity on my future at this point, and I don't think he does either. We may not be in the same place. We may not want to.

It seems somewhat obvious to me at this point that I need to talk to him. In person. My friend suggest I fear this conversation because I have expectations about what we are, which is why I'm postponing it. Honestly, I'm doing it because I'm terrified of this conversation and I want to be able to see 100% of each other's reactions. I need him to be able to hug me, mostly.

My plan is to do something that we haven't really done before. Normally I spend so much time trying to figure out what my feelings are that I just tell him, and don't really give him as much scope to share. This time, I want to ask (in person) what his feelings are. Where he thinks we are, where we might be headed. All I really want to be told is that I'm more than just like the girl that he hooked up with in the spring. I'm not sure I can keep offering him this no strings hook-up. Though this was what I wanted, I think continuing in the future might just bring back feelings and hurt me terribly.

What would I do if this isn't what he says? I trust him to tell me the truth, and I agree that I should have this conversation as soon as possible. But I can't imagine that it won't cast a shadow over the rest of the trip. Most of my plans involve cuddling up next to him, and I haven't really thought beyond that.

Writing about this has made me more afraid, since it makes me realize that it is quite likely that he might not react the way I want him to. I really do have no plans for what I might say/ do if this is the case. Perhaps this is something worth discussing with friends.

51-80

Because why not.

51. What is the most amount of money you have had at one time?
I've never really earned my own money, and am still dependent on my parents. So though we do have a pretty significant amount of money, I don't really consider it as 'mine at one time'. I once earned about $1500 in compensation after getting hit by a car, which I suppose can count.

52. Write a celebrity crush list.
This is weird. JGL, Channing Tatum, Aaron Paul, Zac Efron, John Krasinski, Andrew Garfield, Dev Patel (probably), and a few others I just can't think of. I usually like them because of their personality in combination with their looks, or at least whatever I can glean about their personality from random interviews. I also like the goofy ears thing.

53. What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced?
I can't think of anything. I've seen a lot of great sights, heard some fantastic songs, and lived through some memorable moments, but nothing immediately stands out. My life is awesome, but lots of little happiness instead of big things.

54. What effect does music have on you?
Music has a profound effect on me - but it depends heavily on the song and the type of music. Each song can have a different effect on me, they generally make me remember memories associated with the song and the emotions associated with those. The ability of music to affect my emotions - make me mellow, reduce sadness, make me happy - is just incredible, and I pity those who music doesn't affect in that way.

55. What did you learn today?  What did you learn yesterday?
Yesterday I learned how much people I love care about me, and today I'm learning the same! Also some stuff about corporate finance.

56. What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time?
A little awkward, self-deprecating, smiles a lot, sometimes shy, nice (I hope).

57.Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone?
No, but I have carved my initials into the lift door in my apartment (just the first initial though).

58. Democracy, communism, or socialism?  Defend your choice.
There's no one answer. It depends on the situation, and a blend between them is fine. All of them get corrupted and blended in real life anyway. Tending probably a little more towards socialism, but there's no 'right' answer.

59. Does Never Never Land really exist?
Isn't it just called Neverland? I don't think anyone wants a place where you don't get a choice about whether to grow up - there's no point in trying to fight it, just in enjoying every stage.

60. Where is a great place to get breakfast?
Where I got it today. Skillet with green peppers, onions, cheddar, salsa + chocolate chip pancakes on the side. MMMMMM.

61. List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today.
Wasn't hungover in the morning, procrastinated all day, so tired (some good, some bad).

62. What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you travelled?
I have travelled by boat (sail and motor), train, bus, car, rickshaw, elephant, bullock cart, motorbike, bicycle, cable car, ambulance, and taxi. I think each has their advantages and disadvantages, and still don't have a driver's licence. Plane is quickest despite dryness and security, I like that - but train whenever possible.

63. If you could give the world just one thing, what would it be?
The ability to focus on important things (I'd like this too). On second thought, I think this would be pretty stupid since we need fun stuff also, but focus to work on and change all the problems facing it.

64. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college?
I always found psychology very easy, struggle at economics in college, enjoy english but can never have top-quality paper writing.

65. Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do.
I feel as though I always take the 'truth' option because I know I won't want to carry out a dare that seems too weird. I do outrageous things because I want to, not because someone dares me.

66. Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?
Vanilla. Always vanilla.

67. What historical events happened the year you were born?
Lots of stuff I'm sure.

68. Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible.
I have a watch that I wear every single day, even when I sleep. It was given to me as a present by my parents, for obtaining perfect grades one quarter and since it was my birthday that month. I try to make it remind me that I need to work hard, and what I owe to them.

69. Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery.
I can't think of one. I keep meaning to visit more of these kinds of places in the city I live in, but somehow it ends up happening much less here than it does in places on holiday.

70. What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet?
I mean, I know what a well-balanced diet is and I think the 'home food' of my culture does a perfect job in approximating that, but personally I don't cook things for myself that match up to that.

71. Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it.
Feminism shouldn't be a dirty word. Every movement has extremists, but mainstream society shouldn't dismiss a movement for a legitimate cause. I do have mixed feelings since it's a complicated issue though.

72. If you had only one wish, what would you wish for?
To have more time to retake the final I just took.

73. If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say?
Love yourselves and each other, take the time to understand other people (clichéd, but presumably they'd actually understand is the premise of the question).

74. Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else).
(Now I really really hope no one finds this blog) I think I would enjoy handcuffs in bed.

75. Name a time when you broke a rule or law.  Did you get caught, or did you get away with it?
I shoplifted a small small container of lip gloss from a very large store once. I thought my mum might not buy it for me. I never used it, not because I felt guilty but because I realized it was nothing special.

76. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
No, but I have jumped into a body of water in just my underwear at night.

77. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing.
Reading, baking, learning new languages, picking up a new hobby.

78. What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication?
I love The New Yorker, and The Atlantic. But I think reading articles from a variety of sources is the most fun.

79. Describe your first car.
Have never owned my own.

80. Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary?
Neither, just amazing to listen to when indoors.