Extreme boredom. And hunger.

My stomach is growling. Seriously. I'm so hungry I might actually faint if I don't get some nourishment into my estomac soon. Before anyone worries, I've not decided to become anorexic and starve myself but am just waiting for the food to be laid upon the table so I can go stuff myself.

Not that I couldn't do to lose a few kilos/ pounds, especially around my thighs. I love my metabolism, considering the fact that I haven't done any exercise other than running around in Physical Education for about 10 minutes every Friday I'm still pretty slim. However if I just started exercising I know that the problem areas around my thighs, my butt and underarms would disappear. Unfortunately I'm extremely lazy. However, I have made a resolution to start exercising after visiting X's house and seeing just how active he and his sister are 24/7. So hopefully when we move to our new house which is really close to that of one of my best friend's we have resolved to begin exercising together and doing fun stuff like sports and jogging. Gyms are extremely boring. She doesn't need the exercise, but since most skinny girls of my age are convinced that they are fat and could use to lose weight (unlike me, who's just being literal here) she will join too. Besides, exercise never harmed anyone.

Meanwhile extreme boredom is striking during Spring Break. I flip and flop from room to room in my house, promising myself that I will not turn the television on because then I won't be able to stop; not knowing anything else to do. I don't know if the grammar in the last sentence was right but honestly I don't care anymore. I'm trying to cut down on my computer and telly usage because I don't want to ruin my eyes (not having glasses/ spectacles yet) but no book has really engaged me for a while and I have absolutely no urge to do anything else. I can't wait until I go out with my friends on Monday - we're going to have lunch and watch a movie.

But meanwhile time passes slowly on, and even the computer fails to engage me as much as usual. Well, I'm off to go look for a book now.
PS - I left spaces between paragraphs for this entry because the first time I published this it looked like a big chunk and extremely unappealing to read.

Highs

Have you ever done something that makes you feel so happy while you're doing it? You're totally in control, you know exactly what's going on and you know exactly how to deal with it. And if it doesn't go the way you want it to go you can pinpoint exactly when it went wrong and try to stop it.

It could be a sport that makes you feel this way, or some form of public speaking, or even I guess flirting with the opposite sex (I have zero experience with this kind of thing so I would not know). It could actually be anything. If you don't have something like this, get it. It's amazing.
I have the same thing with some form of public speaking - I won't tell anyone which for fear that they will track me or whatever. Though if you wanted to try or you knew me it would be quite easy I suppose. The information that I have given would be recognized quite easily, especially if, god forbid, X saw this!

I had a competition for this thing today, and it was fun! Well, it's late now and my mum's calling me, so goodbye until the morrow. Sorry if this post was a little short or incoherent but I'm tired and still a little high from our win (despite not speaking because I wasn't in town for 3 of the 7 days we were preparing for this competition).

Fact/ Fiction

The following facts about me are enough to let anyone reading (unlikely, I never get any comments) know the person who is writing this; but not enough to let stalkers or whoever the Internet brings to my doorstep.

FACT: I am 15 years old
FICTION: This blog is fictional.

FACT: I don't know any guys at all
FICTION: I exaggerate in this blog

FACT: I wish I had guy friends
FICTION: I am popular

FACT: I dream about me and every hot guy I say a word to somehow getting together like in a teen movie
FICTION: That actually happens

FACT: My mother is overprotective
FICTION: I'm allowed to date

FACT: I love my family
FICTION: I have very very close friends who know everything truly about my past and who I tell everything to

FACT: I do tell almost everything to my friends
FICTION: They know everything about my past

FACT: I moved to a new school in 9th grade
FICTION: I made friends there instantly

FACT: The girl meant to show me around was popular, I thought I could join her group
FICTION: She took good care of me (Really, she ignored me after the first day)

FACT: I spent my mornings in the bathroom stalls and lunches in the library for about six months until I found friends I liked and fit in with well
FICTION: No one knew about this

FACT: I didn't tell anyone
FICTION: People couldn't figure it out

FACT: I hate some of the people I hang around with
FICTION: I show this clearly

FACT: I have my moods
FICTION: I PMS

That was quite a random list but it was a bite-sized way of introducing myself and my past which no one really knows about in this kind of detail. Now you have a better idea of what kind of person I am. One last fiction is that I am depressed and emo - in fact almost all my friends think I'm always happy and cheerful (and one of them is annoyed by it but she's a moody bitch and I hate her so whatever). I have great and fun times with my friends but just don't write about them here because I haven't been regular during the school term. Now I have holidays and then exams and so am being more regular. :)

I try

I don't want this to turn into a moany, whiny blog so after this, I'll try to keep my posts about X down to the minimum number - although in my current 'really missing him' state of mind I'm not sure I can manage that...I think that I just need to meet my friends and tell them all about him so that I can get it out. My mother suspects me of liking him and being 'manipulative' to get time alone with him but that's not true. We were meant to watch the movie with our siblings and I hoped to hold his hand but planned on holding his sister's. And then our siblings decided to go write a song (some creative urge) which wasn't particularly good, promising to join us later. They didn't and that's how it happened that we held hands and that my heart hurts (but isn't broken) right now. It's the lost potential. I really don't know any guys except my brother at all.

But for now,

Dear X,

Do you suspect that I have pathetically fallen for you and thus are trying to keep our communication to the bare minimum? We used to email earlier until I made the stupid mistake of telling you I liked you. Since then you've avoided email contact with me, if possible. How do I tell you I've changed? I want you to reply although I know you won't and it's probably better that way.

I sent you a friendly mail and said 'hi' when you came online, but got no reply or an 'I can't talk now'. So life just keeps going on and I keep waiting for that mail. But I know I won't get a reply.
I heard you might visit in June/ July. I bet our mothers will not manage to fix the dates but I can still hope, can't I?

Me

Why Can't I

This is how I feel, but the song is more intense. I don't mean to violate any copyright, got this off the internet. I love this song!

LIZ PHAIR LYRICS

"Why Can't I?"

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

To the guy I like

Dear X,

What happened? We used to be good friends, and I had the hugest crush on you and we met everyday. We grew closer and closer and I began to think that maybe (just maybe) you liked me. We even held hands in a movie once when I was scared and you were worried about me. I was 12 and innocent and thought with all my heart that this could work even though both of us were moving to different places. And then my cousin told me to try telling you I liked you and since I was visiting her I mustered up the courage from somewhere while we were chatting. But I don't even know if that was you or your sister. And you never replied. You signed out and didn't even reply to the many mails I sent you, still hoping. Finally, to save whatever was left of our friendship, I made my cousin send you a mail saying that she had done all that as a prank. And you still didn't reply.

And then we met on a tropical island holiday (doesn't that sound exotic) and spent time together as if everything was normal. But you still didn't reply to my mails. When you left, my heart broke. I had a physical pain in me and even my mother, who I never tell anything of this sort to, could tell. Of course nothing had happened between us. But it was the lost potential that I regretted.

I had never and still don't have any close guy friends. I'm not the kind of girl and I hang out with one of the uncooler groups in school. The only guys I know I talk casually to once a school day, something like "What's the answer to that question?" and "12" from me.

And once I moved I was sure that it was all over, I was over you now. It took me about 7 months to make the good friends (girls) that helped me settle in, but once that was done I barely thought about you.

I started liking guys and had an intense crush on one (of course I didn't know him at all - he was just popular and nice and hot). So I was fine, wasn't I?

Sure, I had the odd dream every six months and you were there, romantically, a few old memories and regrets would come back but nothing happened. I liked here.

You almost came and visited me, my brother and my dad once (my mum was out of town) when you were here on a school trip. I of course told 10 friends to call me when we were supposed to meet to show how much I had gotten over you. 2 did, but you went out with 2 girl friends. You invited me, but I didn't come. I wasn't comfortable.

And last weekend I visited you. My brother and your sister, despite their 6 year age difference (he's 17, she's 11), got along brilliantly and spent a lot of time together so we had some time alone. I met some of the numerous new girl friends you had made and learnt just how popular you were. And we spent time alone. I told myself that I didn't, I couldn't, like you.

But you awakened parts of me I didn't know were there. You asked me serious questions like you really wanted to know me, and cracked jokes with me. We became good friends and I (oh-so-casually) leaned on your back, ruffled your hair, and leaned close to you.

We (just the two of us) watched a movie together at your house. We lay next to each other on the bed (just our ankles and hips touching sometimes) until the scary parts came. And of course I held your hand. Not because it was scary but because I wanted to. And YOU GAVE ME BUTTERFLIES.

No guy has ever given me butterflies in my stomach. You gently stroked the back of my hand with your thumb and made my stomach feel weightless. It seemed like you weren't aware of me, but then when your mother or your sister came into the room you would take it away.

I buried my head in the pillow in the end, pretending I was scared, and went a little closer to you. Just like heaven.

But now I'm back. With some pain, but not the same kind as after that holiday. And I can't forget you - maybe hope we're in the same university or we meet somewhere again; and I look older and MUCH MUCH better and I tell you I used to like you and you can't resist me. And then we will kiss.

That won't happen, will it?

Some of my friends say you used to like me, some of them don't know. If anyone's reading, what do you think? I have no idea....

From
Me