Captain Corelli's Mandolin

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."
- Louis de Bernières

Apparently a book I have to read.

The satisfaction and sadness of being proven right

Quick thought: since it did, in fact end up being the case that he didn't really have feelings for me, which was something I had been insecure about throughout our relationship, does that mean I'm not crazy and insecure but just intuitive?

Same old same new

I don't even know where to start.

Chronologically seems simplest, the best way to start untangling the myriad ties and interactions between us that end up boiling down to the simple truth behind our relationship - I always have and always will care more.

We talked after graduation, when I managed to say at least some of the things that I typed out in that last 'letter' to him that I posted. When he first came over, it seemed surprisingly natural but I couldn't let go of that sense of awkwardness. When I brought it up, though, he seemed taken aback and suggested that I kept suggesting the awkwardness which created it.

We ended up talking on the balcony, I remember it being chilly but being reluctant to huddle too close to him for warmth. I managed to wring out my insides and express some of the things - that we didn't feel like real friends now, that I couldn't trust him, and that he really had hurt me.

He seemed very sad after I had said them, and apologized, and then suggested that what I had said meant that it would be impossible for us to be friends. But I clarified that I did (somehow) miss the friendship and my statements were things I had to express, but after this I would like to move on and not discuss them again, and I felt like maybe we could build up the closeness again. Naturally, the conversation involved a lot more silences and pauses and moments where I thought I would simply die and wondered why things were never as simple as some movies made it seem (not the really good ones though).

That night, we watched a movie and I fell asleep (not quite) on him on the couch. After some movement, I made the conscious decision to leave him there, brought him a blanket, but didn't end up sleeping much alone on my own bed.

The next time he came over, we ended up in a similar situation with his hands grasped around my wrists and me half on him in the couch, in the dark after we had watched some horror videos. After a short lull, I said I had something to say to him, wanting to bring up a thought I had been turning over in my mind for longer than I should have. He asked if it was something that would make him sad again, and I replied in the negative.

Finally it burst out of me, and he was silent for a little in his customary way. He mentioned that he didn't want the repeat of what I had mentioned in my concerns about our friendship - my feelings developing again - because he didn't want to lose our friendship. I clarified that I couldn't promise anything, but that I was suggesting this meant that I didn't think it was going to happen. I clarified that this would be a summer thing, and end after.

After a quick interlude of brushing and changing, we tumbled into bed together (literally, I remember thinking about the fact that we were sideways and the pillows were under us) and spent an inordinate amount of time making out while I revelled in the familiarity and enjoyment. We alternated this with talking and laughter and music and it felt wonderful but not the same as our romantic moments, which was reassuring. After all, our hooking up had never really been the part of our relationship that made my heart skip a beat, that was more when he held my hand or put his arm around me.

Our hooking up was much the same as usual, and the first couple of weeks of summer followed this pattern. We would see each other once every week or two, since schedules never quite seemed to align. It was interrupted by my grad trip with friends, but was generally nice. I went over to his house during a rainstorm when I was upset about what seemed like a close friend (who has a girlfriend) hitting on me, and he was a good friend and also came home and kept me company. I discovered he really doesn't seem to think about things, such as when he left for the night with me, with his roommates clearly a little bit confused but no apparent explanation from him.

There was some reversion into familiar patterns where we cuddled when watching movies, with his arm around me, and kissing goodbye in the morning and sometimes cuddling at night. However, all of this was a lot less frequent than it had been and a lot less than I would have liked, and was often prompted by me. Still, it was nice, and still didn't feel like it was crossing over into the border of being a relationship.

He had the spare key to my apartment since my roommates were gone. I rationalized this as him being the only friend who didn't work as much and was around more of the time, but really I quite enjoyed the feeling of him being able to get in while I wasn't there and pick up things as needed (usually food I forgot about).

There were moments of conflict over the summer, where his usual 'flakiness' (or what I characterized as it) popped up again, making me realize how upset I would have been about these things had we still been dating. At the start we explained these away with our differing personalities, and just tried to appreciate the other more. I also avoided giving my friends too many details, since most of them trusted me but were at least vaguely disapproving, which I understood.

(warning?)

Oh. Yes. We had sex. It seems like I'm presenting it casually, but that's because it wasn't that big of a deal. I'm more confused about how to feel about it now, because of later events, but at the time it went the way I wanted it to.

I'd been thinking about it through the summer, saw no reason to not try it with someone I was comfortable with and cared about, and didn't think it would cause more attachment than any of our other hooking up activities. We discussed it half-jokingly in a conversation where I also finally brought up the fact that he had never actually reciprocated the oral part (and he seemed certain he had) and decided to just go for it one night, although we had no protection or preparation. He mentioned that he'd heard that it would be better to not use condoms the first time (and we didn't have anyway), so he could better feel his way around, and it was a little irresponsible, but we decided the pull out method would be fine.

We didn't quite spend enough time doing other stuff before, and something happened that I'd been vaguely concerned about. I was too nervous, and our combined inexperience led to the feeling that we were (literally) hitting a wall. I was too afraid of pain to continue, and even after going really slow, we ended up getting it only one-third of the way in. Apparently I'm uptight in a lot of ways (in all seriousness, my nervousness and impatience didn't help). He was pretty chill about the whole thing, but I couldn't help blaming myself.

After research and conversations with friends, I discovered how normal this was, and when we tried again, we had condoms and lube and patience and time. We ended up getting dinner before to make the evening a little more special, and it was nice and relaxed and I didn't feel in the mood for tiramisu we had promised to get after dinner (I did pick up some the next time before our next encounter, although combining this with spicy food and beer was a recipe for a stomache the next day).

It was still slow and surprisingly awkward (none of the books and movies tell you about that part), but with manoeuvring and angles, we figured it out. At the opportune time, he put on a condom, and we continued. It was okay, it was fun but it wasn't spectacular or mind-blowing and I just figured it would take more time and experience to figure out. I was just glad I managed it without pain, and with someone I cared about, and I didn't even bleed (apart from a little the next day).

The next time wasn't too much better, he seemed surprised that it wasn't instantly easier. I knew that angles and stuff would take some time to figure out. He kept driving me towards the head of the bed, which was a little awkward. We ended up getting a little sweaty for the first time despite the cooler night. It still wasn't particularly great for me, though there were moments when I could see that it would be. He was confused at times as to whether the sounds I was making were pleasure or pain, and seemed concerned about hurting me until finally I blurted out that I would shout "PAIN" if this were the case.

I remember little things, about my hands curled around his relatively bony hips, and the weight of his body above me, and how he started being more familiar and tugging me back down after I'd been driven up the bed (which was what I wanted), or how oral sex was less unnerving than I thought it would be. The sensation of sex itself was unlike anything I'd ever felt before, and interesting would probably be the most accurate word to describe it.

That ended up being it, we only really had sex two and a half times before conflict came up. I was disappointed by this, part of the reason I was being so pushy about hanging out more with him was that I wanted to figure out the sex thing, and more practice would only help. But. He saw it differently. I was also right in that I didn't feel more attached than normal hooking up.

Long story short, there started being more conflict towards the end of the summer. I was of the mentality where I was willing to push things aside to make the most of remaining time, but he was not. It was a mix of different things - me not realizing the extent of his commitments over the summer, our schedules not quite lining up, him growing a little less interested in just hooking up.

It came to a head with about a week to go, when I confronted him about his seeming lack of concern for me as a friend, and he turned around and told me that I had actually been not appreciating him as a friend and always somewhat pressuring him into hooking up despite saying it was okay if he just came over and slept. At first I was taken aback and hurt, but I thought about it and realized he was right.

Part of it was about trying to keep him at a distance as a friend to prevent emotions from resurfacing, and part of it was taking our breakup as licence to be less nice to him than most friends and more easily triggered by things he did, and the result was that we really weren't quite friends any more. And since he wasn't feeling the hooking up as much any more, there was not much left there. It made sense that I had felt and acted the way I had, but I still wasn't proud of it.

So I went over to drop off chocolate, and ended up going back (after leaving once and feeling awkward and awful) and apologizing. He seemed to go back on some of the things he said and didn't seem as angry with me as I assumed, suggesting I was being too hard on myself. We sorted things out, and decided that hooking up was probably best off the table, since it had complicated things between us.

Still, in my head I still felt as though we could revisit the topic at some point. After all, we had already had sex that summer.

The next time we hung out, after I had moved out of town (but not too far), he seemed busy and I felt awkward and as though I was intruding. I kept asking random questions, and somehow this led to a revelation I'm not sure I would have rather known.

Essentially, he revealed that he had not been physically attracted to me for a while, and would rather have slept than hooked up a lot of the times we did. He would probably never hook up with me again. He tried to soften it, by saying it wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed it, but he had been very tired and busy this summer. He had been attracted to his previous girlfriend, but had had a period of depression since their breakup (and other life circumstances) and wasn't sure he would feel that way about anyone after. All these facts were in response to (masochistic) questions I asked.

They still hurt, and he seemed a little surprised that they did. I still don't quite understand the way he thinks about all of this. It hurt my pride a lot. I didn't actually know about the depression thing (and he seemed convinced that I did) although he had mentioned related things and I just hadn't put together the pieces or had imagined things were better than he phrased them.

I avoided talking to him for three weeks after. Later, I realized I was no longer really angry.

His defence was that of course he was sorry for hurting my feelings, but it was impossible to avoid the topic because I kept bringing it up and pushing the issue and he didn't want to lie to me. I understand that, I thought at the time why I was asking questions I didn't necessarily want to know the answers to. However, I think (narrowly) that I always would rather know. I've never been less sure about this though.

I've just been incredibly mixed up - it's hard to pinpoint any clear feelings. Even after he said it, I expected to be very hurt, but just felt somewhat distant and pretty embarrassed and annoyed. Mostly I railed at the unfairness of him not developing feelings for me - in an ideal world he would have been at least attracted to me physically. I've been trying to - uncharacteristically - not analyze it too much, but have been unable to quite reconcile my feelings. I've let it go (mostly), but definitely not entirely.

We hung out one time after, and it was actually very nice. I remembered why I liked being friends with him because we talked and watched TV and it was relaxing and nice. It feels as though our 'friendship' is still full of these bumps though - conflicts that seem ready to spring back out, things I keep turning over in my mind, my inability to feel completely relaxed about the whole thing, his not seeming to treat me as well as a great friend would.

At times, I cringe at the absolute grovelling lack of spine it seems to indicate that I choose to care about and spend time with someone who has repeatedly reinforced (and in unintentional small doses continues to reinforce) the fact that he does not love me, never had romantic feelings for me, and appears to now even be dubious about me as a friend. Although I think I misspoke - if only it were so easy to choose to care or not.

It's not as though I could discuss this with anyone - friends would encourage me to do things that are obvious and sensible yet impossible (take space, cut off contact, don't make plans), and he would probably somewhat weary of my inability to be able to let go of the issues between us and just allow us to be simple friends.

Another complication is (despite everything) I really miss the hooking up. Of course it wasn't great, but being close to another person in that way is great and in some part of my head it's just impossible to accept the things he said about it or assume that he really doesn't want to do it again. Or I have questions about whether he was ever really into it, but some part of me knows that I can't ask.

A recent way I've calibrated this in my head is that I'm simply putting on an act of pretending to be friends with him. Building up his affection for me again and his closeness, while investing not that much of myself into it. Then being able to discard him once he cares enough. Part of me is hoping that I'll let go of the resentment at some point in this process, and that this plan will allow me to pause wanting to further discuss things and bury feelings of confusion and not quite being satisfied with everything.

For a couple of instants I think that I might like him again. And the first thing I want to do is tell him. Even though it's stupid and ridiculous and indicates I have no pride and seems impossible, somehow I forget all the hurt and unevenness of our relationship and simply want to spend more time with him and imagine how easy it would have been if he had simply liked me. Which is true in a sense, but false in most ways.

Return

I have returned here - in the usual mix of hormones and boredom with which I usually begin posts. Tonight, I'm listening to jazz music and felt the itch to write. It's an urge that has struck me with less frequency in recent years but that dominated my earlier years.

To be honest, a mix of reading and PMS and jazz and rain outside produced a jumbled maelstrom of emotions in me. I'm hoping that writing will (as usual) enable me to organize and sort and simplify them in the way that allows me to deal with them.

On the surface of it, since the last time I've written, a number of large life changes have happened. Obviously I feel entirely the same. Perhaps this is why in the last month or so, a weird sense of idsplacement and inertia has been lurking on the corners of my consciousness. I've spent many minutes staring at this screen trying to find a way to describe these feelings without overdramatizing them or even just trying to find the words and yet it continues to seem impossible. Not completely understanding the way I've been feeling or the whys and hows of it is probably a contributor to the problem.

Depression is a word that has occurred to me at times, and though I have once in a while felt the urge that nothing quite matters and 'whelming' anhedonia, I fail to match any of the real symptoms and thus do not deign to use it. The sense of rootlessness that being away from home, most friends, a school, full-time work or any other such structure is probably the real cause/ feeling. But there's no easy way to deal with that.

I graduated. That, ostensibly, is the biggest change with or in me. It occurred without any real sense of feeling or ceremony or preparedness, but was bookended by pleasant times with family and memories with friends where we did new things in the same old ways.

Summer was mostly rootless, though it began with lots of fun. Much TV and movies were watched, some time was spent with the closest friends on holiday. At first there was much cheeriness about time off and brain breaks and hope, and at some indiscernible point this shifted into loneliness and boredom and whatever this current feeling is.

Now it feels odd to believe that my time in college is done. There's a weird distance looking at students going about their normal lives, with me somehow feeling left behind, not having begin my 'real' job yet either.

As for F, that's a topic I'll begin dealing with in another post.

Another letter

Dear F,

I suppose I never quite know what to say to you now. I was writing goodbye letters to friends for the end of college, and I realized I had no idea what to put in yours. Yet it felt incomplete not to write you one since you have been such a big part of my life for the last year.

I didn't send the last letter I wrote you. What I ended up doing was running into you unexpectedly at a school event and bursting into tears the moment you walked away. Later that day, I engineered us running into each other again, and we took a sidebar (I've been watching a tv show about lawyers) for about fifteen minutes. During this time, I ascertained that you seemed to be a lot less upset than I was, and it was a civil and cordial conversation that reminded me that I enjoyed being friends with you.

I made clear that it was good that we had broken up if you genuinely didn't feel the way I did, and also that I saw no advantage to being friends at this point. I also mentioned that you could have done a far better job being considerate about my feelings than you had, and that I deserved someone who was crazy about me in the same way I'd been crazy about you - all things I'm proud of mentioning. You mentioned that things seemed right in March, but that it just felt "wrong" in the last week, and we also established that religion wasn't the real reason behind it.

Still, I don't feel like you really got it. Maybe it was the drunkenness or just the surroundings, or maybe you just can't understand the feeling unless you live through it - but I would have expected a little more remorse and understanding if you understood how I felt. Instead, you treated it not as a breakup and I felt vaguely ridiculous for thinking of it as such (once again).

So I thought it might be good to write you another letter, having conveyed my intention to talk with you again. We're going to do so in about two weeks, but it might as well be worthwhile to write my feelings down. Especially as I don't know how to start or end this conversation, only the essence of what I want to say.

Just remember that whatever I'm saying is because I did (and probably still really do) care about you, and not because I'm trying to hurt you or be bitter. I genuinely think you need to hear it, and also that I need to say it (because there's definitely a slight element of wanting you to recognize my hurt).

What it's easier for me to understand now is how you thought in the week that culminated with us breaking up. I can understand and recognize now that you probably didn't (ever) feel the same way that I had, and you liked spending time with me and hooking up, so it seemed natural and easy for us to slip into a relationship when I leaned towards it.

And you didn't realize this when you were away, but when you were back and I started expecting you to behave differently from when we were just friends - expecting you to spend more time etc., you began noticing that it felt wrong. I don't know if you thought more deeply than this, but this is because you didn't like me as more than a friend.

I know now what it's like to feel like you're happy just being in the company of another person - even if you're not actually talking. To really look forward to seeing them, to keep a map of them in your head, to think about them most of the time, to be ridiculously happy when they take your hand - that's how I felt about you. And I know you didn't feel the same way about me, and probably didn't recognize that this was the way you were supposed to feel.

So you tried to come up with some reason to break up, and settled on religion, which was easier than figuring out your own feelings. You told me your reasons 'didn't seem good enough', probably cause you never articulated or were conscious of them in this way.

From my perspective, it seems clear that you never quite felt this way about me. And I can't decide whether that's better or worse than you having these feelings and then having them fade away.

Anyway, this would be something I could forgive you for. But you handled everything else about the situation wrong. You didn't appear to think about my feelings at all, which would be the basic consideration I expect even from a friend. A lot of behaviour you demonstrated were things I wouldn't accept from a friend - cancelling on plans at the last minute, not texting me back until past the time we were supposed to meet, keeping me waiting up without a clear idea of your return.

Basic empathy as a friend would seem to me at least caring about how I feel, or checking in about that, or at least thinking about it. Instead, you admitted to me that it hadn't been on your mind. And the message I took from that was that my feelings weren't and hadn't been important to you. When a friend asked me out, I was concerned about his feelings after rejecting him, and pondered them for a while since I was concerned even though I didn't feel romantically for him.

Most importantly, to me it demonstrated that you appeared to have no desire to really see me or spend time with me, and didn't seem to think how I might feel about your actions. Obviously I expected more from you given that we were in a relationship, but in my mind your actions were far below what I would expect even from a friend.

It's hard for me, from where I stand right now, to feel as though you even care about me as a friend. You have no idea what's going on in my life now (or even in that week) - things I might be concerned about or that might be on my mind. I've had friends going through serious surgeries and family illnesses, angst about graduation, being sick myself, musings about religion - none of which you'd know about because you never really asked.

Why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me in this way?

I feel as though because I couldn't stay angry and forgave you relatively quickly and seemed to bounce back, you didn't understand or appreciate the extent to which you hurt me. I still think that you treated me badly - certainly as a girlfriend but even more just in terms of fulfilling the basic expectations of a friend. You made me feel truly awful, and I understood for a moment how a person could want to not talk to another person for the rest of their life.

At first, it was difficult for me to even see where I was expected to go from here, since you say you want to be friends. I'm not mad at you any more - that lasted maybe a week at most. I think I'm probably physically incapable of holding a grudge for too long, especially with someone I care about. A long conversation with a roommate did help me clarify some of this.

I am at a place where I simply have no expectations of you and don't see you as a legitimate friend. I'm not angry at you, it's just a very neutral place. You're essentially an acquaintance, and I have other friendships like this where I know the other person is selfish or flakey but not truly malicious or uncaring (less sure about the latter for you). When friends like this reach out and contact me, I'm happy to hang out since I'm not angry, and it's generally fun. I wouldn't make the effort (any more) to reach out and contact them, beyond occasional texts or emails when convenient or if something reminded me of them.

But I don't have any expectations in terms of me making an effort or wanting to tell them about my life or expecting them to care or be there for me. I don't believe they will do that, so it's easier for me to not expect it. Especially with you, I feel as though every time I have greater expectations of you, I just end up getting hurt and feeling stupid about them. In the last month or so, you've only given me reason to think this of you, and this is where I am now.

This isn't a real friendship in my mind. Nor would I necessarily like it to be a permanent state of things, though it would be easier for me this way since there wouldn't be a risk of my feelings developing again (and I will not feel the same way again). But I like and value our connection, and you were one of the rare people that I could be entirely honest with.

Theoretically, I would hope that we can work to a friendship. A real one. But that can't happen with the way you've been acting. I feel like ideally, I would like you to acknowledge you've been a crappy friend and promise to try harder because this friendship is important to you. Realistically, you'll probably be like "I didn't mean it" and "that's just the kind of person I am" and not really make much of an effort.

I suppose that's easier for me too. I'm not mad at you, and you not changing will mean that I have less chance of getting hurt. I know that being real friends is a risky proposition, and developing feelings again would dangerous. It's been a lot easier than I thought to cut you out of my life (perhaps because you weren't actively present in it as much), and imagine our relationship as a clear part of the past. This way, I can maintain my friendly and distant affection for you without getting hurt.

We shall see. I'm not quite sure how to end this conversation, I suppose I'll just see what you have to say. And we shall go from there.

I've been concerned about the prospect that I might be telling you this just because I want to hurt you, or have you acknowledge my hurt and seem somewhat affected by what happened between us instead of treating it as a non-entity. After all, indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. There's certainly an element of that present. As usual though, a larger part of me is sorry about the thought of hurting you (which I've just realized is progress from earlier agonizing about it).

At the same time, I think it's important for me to express my emotions for once in order to receive a further form of closure. And if we ever were actually to be friends, I would need to know that you at least care about my feelings or seem concerned about me. I might be intensely non-confrontational, but I think this would be a good experience for me.

Tentatively yours,
Me

P.S. This part I haven't admitted to anyone, but I was thinking about missing hooking up with you, and was startled to acknowledge that I missed this physically and not romantically. I suppose that aspect of things for us was always separate from whatever feelings we expressed, and was more about being comfortable with you and having fun. I've been turning over the idea in my mind of us hooking up over the summer, with boundaries about it just being physical, but I know literally everyone I know would think it was a terrible idea. I still haven't dismissed bringing it up, but first let's see how this talk goes. I want to, and I'll give it time.

Quotes from TV shows/ movies that have stuck with me:
"People aren't mean, they're just polite liars" - The Good Wife
"Pain demands to be felt" - The Fault in Our Stars
"We accept the love we think we deserve" - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The end of things

Dear F,

Right now, I want you to be in as much pain as I'm in. I want you to hurt and to see you hurting. That's why I'm writing this, because I want to try and be a better person and maybe allow us the chance to be friends in the future. It's impossible for me to maintain anger, but I also want closure and not to be in a place where I keep falling for you. I never want to feel this way again.

My mum advised that I write down my feelings and reflect on them in a couple of days, and see what I still want to say, and this was incredibly solid advice. I also figured that it might be good to document how I feel at this point in my life, just so I can look back on it.

I've never really felt this way before. This is my first official breakup, just like this was my first official relationship, and both leave me feeling kind of cheated and incomplete. There have definitely been ups and downs (mostly downs), and I feel empty thinking about my life without plans with you in it. My summer seems blank and incomplete, and it gives me pain to think of anything I had planned to do with you. This is harder because I had made such plans (especially for the summer), it sounds terrible and lame now but I had a Google Doc of cool date ideas.

One of my friends suggested that what I miss is more the fact or idea of being in a relationship. Upon reflecting on this, this has been the idea which helped me most. I miss having someone special to talk to and tell my random stories to, I miss holding hands and cuddling, I miss having someone I could make plans with to go places and know I would have fun - the thought of knowing that someone would always be there. And I thought of you as this person because I liked you and loved you as a friend also, and you seemed to reciprocate. Which is why I loved doing these things with you. But if I think carefully about it, none of these things are exclusive to you. Maybe when I find someone I like again (eventually), it might even be better to do these things with them.

(Maybe the above paragraph won't be something I actually send in the interest of not being hurtful).

You did make me discover how magical it could be to be in a relationship - to walk around holding hands, to just spend time with someone and be near them and have it be all you need, to talk to someone who really understands you - in a way different from being with even your closest friends. And I'd never realized how amazing that could be. So that's a big part of what I miss.

But of course I miss you too. I love you as a friend and it feels so weird to think about a life in which you might not be there and where I don't tell you my random thoughts and send you links I think you might find interesting and watch movies with you. Because I don't know if I can even have that any more. The reason I have been able to be friends with sort-of exes in the past is because I at least have changed so much that I can look at them and remember our friendship without developing the same feelings that I've had in the past.

In my mind, nothing has changed. I still feel the same way about you and care deeply about you, and want to spend time with you and place you at a priority and to be in a relationship. And I know that might not make sense, but even when these feelings fade over time, I can't imagine myself hanging out with you and growing close to you and somehow not feeling this way. Because I haven't changed and even though you hurt me deeply, your core personality hasn't changed.

And I don't want this to happen again. I don't want to be hanging around you hoping for something more or that you will change your mind, I genuinely want to move on and be able to be in a place where I'm not comparing every new person I meet to you. I do want to hang out with you and see you, but I'm not sure if that's because I still like you and want to be around you, or because I just genuinely believe that's possible as friends.

So maybe I just need more time to figure that out. And to let my feelings fade. The thing is, though, this is just so painful during this point. I haven't really ever felt this way before, perhaps because this is my first official breakup.

What hurts the most is that I feel like there's a lot you could have done to avoid things getting to this point or having me feel this way. Obviously I'm not trying to solely blame you for my feelings, but there's definitely a couple of things I'm angry about. This will probably pass, since I've never been able to hold a grudge (maybe not to my own benefit). But apart from the feelings developing again, I don't know if I can continue to be friends with someone who seemed to show such disregard for my feelings and caused me to feel this way.

Before I begin, I want to clarify that I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here (hard as that may be) and assuming that you didn't intentionally mean to hurt me and that you care about me as a friend at least. So I'm trying really hard not to be accusatory or blame you for everything or try to hurt you (because weirdly enough I still care a ton about you and the thought of hurting you hurts me). I'm sorry if that slips through anyway.

I guess what I'd want you to do is to genuinely think about it and see if any of this makes sense to you, especially since it's coming from someone who cares/ cared a lot about you. I don't expect you to absorb all of this and immediately start acting on it, but I think it's worthwhile for you to know how you made me feel - intentionally or not.

In the last week or so, most of your actions have made me feel that I'm unimportant or insignificant to you, and that my feelings don't matter. As I already mentioned, you never made an effort to do things that were important to me or make time for me, and often left me hanging in terms of texts and waiting on you to make plans. I felt like a desperate idiot who was being disrespected as a person, who still kept chasing after someone's feelings without realizing that they were sending a clear message. And I kept trying, because I was hoping that it was about your week and your legitimate commitments (which I was willing to understand) or about communication or about something else, because when I was with you I loved it so much and I couldn't imagine that you had changed your mind.

It's fair that you mentioned you maybe just genuinely don't feel that way about me (or that's how I interpreted it). I know that making time for each other despite other obligations and figuring up communication builds up during a relationship, but the basis for that is genuinely having a desire to see each other and spend time with each other (no matter what you're doing). And if you don't feel that way, it's not worthwhile for me or you to pretend that's the case. I don't ever want you to think about doing this as an obligation, instead of something that you want to do because you care about the other person. So that hurts, but I'm not blaming you for that and it's better we knew now.

What hurt me most in terms of the way things happened on that Monday was that you didn't seem to want to say anything about wanting to break up (if that's what you did), and I had to ask if that was the case when obviously that was what I didn't want at all. It hurt that you didn't seem to want to try and fix things, instead just choosing to do what I saw as running away and making me feel like you hadn't ever cared about me or my feelings. You ended things before they even started, without seeing what it might be like to try and figure things out or to give it a little more time. I would have wanted to figure out communicating better and managing expectations and just figuring out how to make time for each other, which aren't the hardest things to fix.

If you ever liked me as more than a friend, it seems to me like that would have been natural to try for, so that might be why I ended up feeling really rejected and confused. Again, I'm not blaming you for not feeling that way, if it stemmed from just not having feelings other than that of a friend about me. So if you didn't feel about me as more than a friend, then it makes sense that you wouldn't want to try (and it would be right).

I hope you find someone that makes you want to try, because I don't think these are healthy patterns to be setting. Sorry if this sounds patronizing, it comes from a place of caring about you. Maybe I'm just a very different type of person, but if you care about someone enough, you place them at a priority and work towards fixing your problems with them instead of running away and deciding you 'don't want to be in a relationship'. I think you've taught me that a relationship can also be an amazing thing, and I don't think you should be so afraid of it and think it's such a big deal, just because I'm not sure that will go well for you in the future. And I will work on dealing with the fact that this person for you wasn't me, but I really genuinely hope that next time you think about trying to make it work with someone that you care about instead of believing it's all about you not being ready for a relationship.

Confusion also stemmed from the fact that you later told me that you didn't have any interest in being in a relationship (which I interpreted as not having any interest in being in a relationship with me, because it's hard to assume this isn't about me). So my conclusion was either that you realized you didn't like me or that you realized a relationship was a little more than just being friends and hanging out and maybe got freaked out by that. If the latter, I find that less respectable and respectful of my feelings.

I remember discussing this with you as a friend, and you mentioning that relationships could be hard and required a lot of effort and you wanted to be really careful and not enter relationships where you didn't feel like you could make something of it since you didn't want to hurt people. You knew that we were really good friends and that I really liked you as more, and when I came to you in March asking if you wanted to be more, I assumed that you would be thinking genuinely about how you felt about me before you made the decision because you knew what the implications would be.

I didn't want to feel like I'd "convinced" you or forced you into something you didn't want, so I remember questioning you then and asking if you were sure. And you said you were, and I guess it was natural for me to assume at that point that you felt about me as more than a friend. So I guess what I don't really understand is when/ where your mind and feelings changed, and what caused you to change them? Why would they change so quickly and was it just being busy?

In a way, you made me see what it would be like to be dating (however briefly), which was different from seeing each other occasionally and hooking up - and it was amazing and it made me really happy. And, like I mentioned, I didn't feel any of those insecurities about whether you cared or how you expressed your emotions or shared with me (when I saw you in person), so I'd rather maybe not have seen what it could be like and then had that taken away from me.

If you're afraid of hurting me by being honest, please don't be. I can take hearing that you don't feel about me as more than a friend, and if I did something wrong I'd rather know. You've already hurt me, and what would hurt me more is feeling like this breakup wasn't something you'd thought carefully about either or that you don't have any clear reasons for it because then I would feel this way for no good reason. It would hurt me more if I felt you didn't respect my wishes enough to be honest with me. In my mind, 'not wanting to be in a relationship' is not a good enough reason, because a relationship is a great thing and makes you happy and I guess I'd want to know why you wouldn't want that.

Particularly after our breakup, my feelings of being unimportant to you and like I didn't matter increased in intensity. I feel like it's really easy for you to move on and pretend like I never existed (as you never told your friends/ family about me, further making me feel unimportant and unequal), whereas I'm kind of stuck here struggling to move on. It'll happen, but it's not easy. What hurts is that you could have made it easier.

And your timing was really awful. Right before my last week of classes, when I really needed to focus and enjoy the moment, I found myself finding it incredibly hard to. When thinking about graduation and senior week and summer, I found myself unexcited and thinking about it as empty without the prospect of spending time with you. Maybe it's not the most rational way for me to feel, but I'm just trying to be honest about how I did and do feel.

Incidentally, my friends have been amazing and reminded me how lucky I am. They've been constantly checking in on me, coming by to spend time or distract me or patiently listen to me tearfully talk about my feelings yet another time, and just to say the right things and remind me that there are people that care and think I'm important. So I just thought I'd acknowledge that somewhere.

I'm kind of proud of the way I've acted. Obviously I made my fair share of mistakes and freaked out about things sometimes or expected too much from you (such as expecting you to be someone you're not in terms of expressing your feelings or whatever), so I'm not perfect in any way. But I'm proud of the way I showed you that I cared, or put myself out there even when it was hard, and was always honest with you about how I felt (even if it seemed irrational), and wasn't afraid to change my opinion or revise my expectations. I think I've learned a lot of things, and I'll probably soon be able to remember the good memories without them being painful, and hopefully apply the things I've learned to making my future relationships better.

So I guess what I want to say in conclusion is that I'm not really sure how I feel about you or if I can be friends with you. I still really care about you, but you can understand that I might need to put my interests first at this point. What would help with giving me closure would be understanding your feelings and actions and motivations. Maybe I'll never feel like they were legitimate or worth breaking up over, but I might be able to feel a little more that you at least cared about me (as a friend or whatever) and tried your best not to hurt me.

The religion issue (that we weren't of the same faith) is something that I would want to discuss in person. It hurt that you never took the time to try and talk about it and understand what I believed or how I felt about it, instead just assuming I felt differently and didn't want to talk about it. It feels narrow-minded to me and like you're saying that I'm not good enough or 'relationship material' or worthwhile as a person (in terms of being introduced to your friends or family), but I don't want to seem like I'm not respecting your faith. Maybe this is something I'll never be fully able to understand, because in my mind religion is less about rules and more about a way of life and being a good and caring person, and not saying that your way is better than any other way of doing things. But I'd like to try to, and I think it might be more productive to talk about in person.

It felt a little bit like you were using that as an excuse to not try and fix other things, and just felt like one of those things that you want to run away from instead of talk about and try to work out. And I believe enough in you to know that you wouldn't use something as important to you as an excuse, but I'm still a little confused about that whole thing.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to establish a system of giving myself points for positive actions and not to deduct points for continuing to feel bad or slight setbacks or wanting to see you. Hopefully soon enough I won't care about these points any more.

Love,
Me

P.S. I do feel weird calling this a 'breakup', especially since I'm not even sure at what point it was an actual relationship. And what I feel cheated about is the chance to get to know each other better in person and to figure that out.
P.S.2. I've had a rough week too, and you haven't been there for me as a friend for that. I had food poisoning and felt awful after, angst about college ending and fears about that, and a friend undergoing a pretty serious surgery. Even as a friend that would be what I would expect.

Order of priority

So. He's been here. A couple of things have come up, nothing too serious. I realize that (much as I may wish), I am not a calm person.

He got here on the Monday, and let me know that he would probably only see me later that evening. Naturally, that irked me and I let him know that. When he informed me he needed to drop off stuff and study for a while before he saw me so that he could 'properly' see me, I was somewhat pacified by the explanation but not quite.

Some friends understood why I found this frustrating and somewhat off-putting - it made me feel foolish for being excited to see him and made me feel low on his priorities. Later I discovered he hadn't really met any friends since getting into town (before he met me at least), which mollified me a little more because it made me realize he might just be a different kind of person whose first priority when being in town was not to see his friends.

Another friend thought it was a little unreasonable that I expected to see him first, which also made me reconsider slightly. Of course all these discussions with friends happened before I even saw him, so when I did, I was a lot calmer and I think I just apologized for "getting so crazy" about seeing him and he shrugged it off.

I felt pretty calm before seeing him, finishing up group project meetings and running various errands in the day (it was also the first day of my period but I was miraculously free of pain). Even when he was headed over, I noted my lack of emotion and continued sitting calmly on my computer chatting with a friend, wondering if this meant that I liked the idea of him more than I liked him.

However, when the doorbell rang, I promptly had some kind of fit - my heart began racing like crazy and I was unable to calm down (as reflected in the conversation with my friend). He forgot the apartment number, of course, so it took a couple of minutes to get up and I reflected that I probably was less calm than I thought about seeing him. I also informed him of this reaction when I saw him and he responded in his usual measured way with some sort of neutral remark.

Neither of my flatmates were home, so I opened the door and jumped straight into his arms. By jumped, I mean just leaned up and hugged tight. He hugged back but reached out behind me to prevent the door from closing on me, and I interpreted this to mean he wanted to go inside, so turned around and did so.

After giving him a couple of seconds to take off his shoes and make some comment about features of the apartment being different from how he remembered it (which I refuted), I moved towards him again and hugged him as he stood in the entryway passage. I always have to be on my toes to hug him and I made some comment about how tall he was, to which he responded "sorry" and I mumbled something into his neck about how I liked it.

I believe he was trying to say something or carry on some sort of conversation at this point, but I shushed him as I hugged him, at which he chuckled and settled into the hug. We hugged for maybe a minute and it felt both a lot longer and a lot shorter than that. I nuzzled against his neck at this time, and I remember feeling his hands securely on my waist and running up and down my sides. I also remember kissing briefly and smiling into the kiss, though I can't remember who initiated it so it must have been both of us.

Soon enough, I apologized for being clingy and pushed away from him reluctantly. He went to sit down and I got him water as requested - after being distracted by telling him stories. I mentioned something about a group meeting, and he asked if I'd worn that shirt at which I looked down and realized my shirt was more transparent than I'd thought and my leopard print bra was showing through. I shrugged his comment off and threw in the fact that they were all girls somewhat awkwardly.

We soon decided to watch a movie while drinking wine, though I hadn't eaten dinner and so grabbed another slice of what I'd eaten for lunch, albeit heating it up longer this time. It actually makes me nauseous to even think about this now. Anyway, I also had some wine from his cup, and we settled in to watch one of my favourites, after spending a little while deciding since I insisted he pick and he kept trying to give back the decision to me.

Once I'd finished eating and put away my plate, I cuddled up next to him with his arm around me and thoroughly enjoyed it. As the movie progressed, I began feeling a growing sense of nausea but chalked it up to the wine and hoped it would pass. I shifted position a couple of times but still remained close and we enjoyed the movie. A couple of times during the movie, I would turn towards him and kiss his neck or just nuzzle against him, which would always earn a half-smile from him. I'd sometimes do this on my way to get up to get more wine or check my phone.

After it was done, we sat in the dark as the TV slowly faded and chatted while cuddling. I brought up the issue of our different faiths being an issue, and he said he would think about it but didn't really know how he felt yet. I decided to leave it there, since there were probably many other things we had to deal with. I think I also brought up (while picking the movie) that all my friends considered him their friends now and that they were all pretty weird. He seemed a little intimidated by this, commenting that it was "terrifying" but meaning it more jokingly than seriously. I think we may have discussed a couple of other things that had been vaguely on my mind, and my roommate entered as we sat there in the dark. I reflected that there was no way she wouldn't find our interaction sketchy, but moved slightly away from him and clarified at some point that we were just talking. She didn't believe me, but it wasn't particularly important.

We chatted for a while after she went to her room. We briefly went out to the balcony at my request - I was still feeling sick and didn't really feel like lying down. I remember standing next to the balcony door and him trying to get past me to go to bed, and me preventing him and then leaning up to kiss him. When he leaned in, I moved away jokingly and he huffed in frustration and tried getting past me again. Laughing, I kissed him.

When we finally went to bed (just a little after, he was clearly tired and I didn't want to keep him awake), I told him that I really did just want to sleep since I didn't feel good and didn't want to "throw up all over him" (I'm ever the romantic). As he was getting undressed for bed, he mentioned he was going to take off his shirt and pants and asked if that was okay. Jokingly I responded by kissing him and saying that I thought we were moving too fast, making it clear from my tone that I was being sarcastic. He laughed and later I mentioned that I was taking off my bra, double-checking to make sure he wasn't going to be uncomfortable.

We talked about things I was worrying about - that I wanted an official anniversary for us (he delayed because I insisted he pick), and that I'd been worrying about us being actually together (he was mostly asleep, but suggested there was no point in worrying). He was mostly falling asleep, but tried his best to respond to the conversation.

Eventually I took pity on him and we cuddled for bed. I tossed and turned a lot, unable to get comfortable because how awful I felt. I slept very lightly, alternately hot and cold and uncomfortable from being on my period and growing more and more sick from the food. Eventually it woke me up and I needed to keep moving around. I wasn't sure what was wrong, but this went on almost all night. Nothing made me feel better, whether it was water or walking around or reading or shifting around - all things I tried.

Naturally, this kept him awake as well. He seemed sleepy and confused and a little frustrated, but tried his best to rub my stomach and kiss me in a very gentle manner. This did actually relax me, and I remember suddenly feeling in the moment that I knew what love would feel like. Unintentionally he also helped, as his cool breath on my neck soothed me and contributed to the limited sleep I did get that night. I felt terrible about keeping him awake and tried not to disturb him, but couldn't really help doing so most of the time.

At around 5 am, I felt as though it might be beneficial to throw up but couldn't once I went to the bathroom. The cool tiles and general atmosphere were somehow soothing though. Once I got up and went back to bed, I felt bad again and returned to the bathroom. This time, I soon threw up...and then repeated the feat three more times. It was a red mixture of mess, and I tried flushing the toilet at the same time to hide the gagging sound. When I was finally done, I felt a lot better and cleaned up thoroughly, brushing my teeth and getting a little water.

He hadn't seemed to have stirred, which I was glad about. I wasn't ready for him to see me throwing up and I hadn't woken him for this reason. He did shiver viscerally when my cold hand touched his bare back, and I quickly moved it somewhat. I still don't think I was really able to fall asleep, though I did feel a lot better. I read for a while as the sun rose, and finally returned to bed for an hour or two more of sleep before somehow waking up around 8:30.



His grumpiness in the mornings is unparalleled, especially when sleep-deprived. After a few unsuccessful attempts at waking him, I got my computer and browsed it as he slept a little more. Eventually he woke and I implored him to get a smoothie with me. He got dressed, but indicated he needed to head out and start his day once we left the house. In the lift, he stood close to me and we kissed a little on our way down. After exiting, he squinted for a while to find his bearings, then headed in the direction he needed to go. I was mildly disappointed but not thoroughly so. I felt a lot better, though still not hungry.

My condition fluctuated a lot during the day - doing something new like getting up and walking or sitting down would always help at first and then become uncomfortable. I had no appetite and alternated between feeling hot and cold, nauseous, and hypersensitive skin in terms of intensely feeling the waistband of my dress. I didn't have a great day, mostly sleeping and not making it to most of my classes (apart from one where I had a presentation and was miserable most of the time). All I ate was a smoothie, a slice of bread, and a handful of popcorn.

I kept my day mostly free in the hope I would see him, but he was busy with appointments and studying and seeing friends and whatever he does with his time. These are all legitimate reasons, but I just feel like the last reason sometimes and the lower priority. Towards the night, I expected him to be staying again (as I had previously requested) but he texted me letting me know he was thinking about spending it at his place as he was exhausted and needed to study and felt we both needed rest.

My reaction was somewhat upset - I was unwell and looking forward to seeing him and didn't feel like he was really there when I needed him - and his lack of a definitive answer on whether he was staying (probably because he knew he didn't want to and was avoiding telling me) didn't help. I didn't want to protract the argument and let him know he should study.

That night, I slept brilliantly and felt a lot more kindly towards him in the morning (and well) and texted him letting him know that. He inquired about my condition and eventually I asked what his plans were for the day. He listed a number of things as usual (all important) and I mentioned that I wanted to hang out with him during the day, to which he suggested that we could study together. I agreed despite not having much work, wanting to see him.



He responded slowly to texts trying to establish a definite time and place, delaying the occasion until he had to head to a previous commitment of dinner. He did try to amend this, offering to come over after, and doing so sooner than expected (while offering to pick up stuff along the way).

When he got to my place and I opened the door, he reached down to kiss me, surprising me a little. He entered and I mentioned something about how it would have been nice (though not necessary) if he'd come over the previous night and he clarified that he knew, to which I asked jokingly if I'd made it clear enough. At this point I was standing in his arms, and we just kissed briefly after, and he noted a slit in the back of my dress, which I sarcastically pretended I hadn't noticed.

There was a little awkwardness as I asked about what he wanted to do, unsure whether he was trying to be polite and just accommodate to my wishes. I assumed he needed to study, and he agreed that he had a lot of work that he could be doing. I settled down on my computer and he did the same on his, although I wasn't really working.

About half an hour, I was basically done browsing the internet, and made my way next to him to cuddle up and potentially nap. He mentioned that he was done sending emails and actually needed to study at a table now. I encouraged him to go ahead, which he second-guessed a little, saying he sensed some resentment on my part that he had to do so. However, I clarified that I thought it was really important that he study if he had a big test coming up.

Meanwhile, I napped on the couch. By napped I mean I tossed, turned, and relaxed - pretending to sleep while wondering how he would wake me up at the time I had instructed him to. After somewhat impatiently checking my watch and letting the time pass, I let it get to fifteen minutes past before drowsily 'waking up' and reproaching him for not waking me. He responded somewhat lamely that it was "just past" the assigned time.

Rousing myself, I went and quickly brushed my teeth, which felt not particularly fresh. I was having a good hair day, so my hair didn't require much fixing. It was nice and warm outside, so I just slipped on a cardigan and went back to the living room, where he was sitting on his computer.

There was some sort of joking exchange about how I was waiting for him and he was waiting for me, and I kissed him on the cheek (when he's near me I'm frequently doing something of the sort) and we headed out.

As we were leaving, he mentioned a summer grant that he'd gotten and I stopped in surprise by the door. He seemed convinced he'd already told me about this, narrating a story where I congratulated him and then kissed him. I remained mostly disbelieving, with no recollection of this at all. He'd known for three weeks and I was a little surprised he hadn't told me sooner, but I guess he didn't remember not doing so. He protested as I questioned him, claiming he didn't like being "cornered" as I had done so by the door. I didn't relent until a little while later, teasing him a little and trying to kiss him but stopping when he asked what I was doing.

When we left the building, I reached for his hand and then hesitated and asked if he was "going to be weird" about holding hands in our college town. He seemed a little confused, saying we'd "just" left the building but clarifying that it was fine and asking why it would be odd. Somewhat embarrassedly I responded that this was a town where we both knew people and the thought also scared me a little.

After this exchange, we walked towards the bar holding hands, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I'm not sure if we held hands the whole way because I remember us not doing so at some point as we crossed the street. We made light conversation on the way as he mock-complained about how far the bar was and how tired he was.

The bar had drink specials that were the reason we were there, and was incredibly crowded and noisy because of a sports game. We initially entered (20 minutes after the designated meeting time) and couldn't spot any of my friends, so I exited to call the one I assumed would be early. She mentioned they were 'on their way', and we re-entered. I couldn't spot a seat but his taller vantage point allowed him to find a table with some empty seats that we commandeered. Later in the night another table moved off and we grabbed most of those seats to complete ours.

We chatted a little as we waited for my friends to arrive about nothing much at all. I like his company. The bar was loud and if I wanted to hear him/ speak to him, we had to be close. I was a little startled the first time he leaned over to speak into my ear, but enjoyed the closeness. He is typically soft-spoken and I definitely asked him to repeat himself a couple of times during the night.

I had a lot of fun with my friends. They (and I) were their typical selves, narrating a couple too many stories about me being drunk/ wanting to dance for my liking, or mentioning that I hadn't told them about my job (giving F a counterpoint when I told him he hadn't told me about his summer grant). He didn't necessarily talk to them too much, not being the type to jump into conversations - something my friends somewhat expected. They were a little awkward and didn't try too much to ask him questions and include him either. It wasn't too bad though, he grew involved in an incident where ice from the buckets was thrown at each other. Naturally I accidentally hit two strangers behind my friend (apologizing profusely after) and knocked the one my friend threw at me into the front of my dress. I did get one down his back, which counts as a success.

One of my friends was great though! She was the one he was most excited to see, asking when she was getting there and saying she was 'fantastic'. He seemed genuinely pleased to see her, and I tried to make sure she sat next to him, and then they chatted for a while. Her sense of humour is great and I think she contributed to him feeling more comfortable.

At intervals, particularly towards the end of the night, I also held his hand under the table. Our fingers were just casually interlocked, but between that or my hand on his leg, I tried to subtly reassure him even as I was interacting with other people.

He recalled about an hour before the end of the night that he had promised some friends he would meet them for some sort of religious study. I was surprised and disappointed, and made clear that this was the case by saying "Fine" and turning away from him. He suggested that I shouldn't pretend like I was indifferent to his return when I clearly wasn't - a valid point. I remained a little withdrawn and distant from him, unhappy that he was leaving and hadn't informed me in advance.

My friends were tired and the night ended up finishing pretty quickly around 11 pm - most of them headed to a restaurant and us and another couple were left to manage the bill. I don't think I was fully paid back, but I didn't want him covering it and chasing them down, so I absorbed the costs. As we left, we conversed with the other couple (who were holding hands) until they headed in a different direction. We were talking about a movie we wanted to see and my guy friend invited him to join us in watching it, but he was away over the weekend. It was chilly and he offered me his jacket, but I didn't want him to be cold and stated as much, claiming I was fine.

Once they headed away, he took my hand as we headed to the restaurant, thoroughly surprising me in a good way. We casually let go as we entered, and joined my friends. He left shortly after, patting my elbow awkwardly across the table before he did, clearly aware that I was annoyed and claiming the sooner he left the sooner he would be back.

I remained relaxing with friends, and we all ended up turning in around 12 am, when I headed home. About an hour later, I texted asking when he was coming back, and received only an irrelevant response about food half an hour later. Annoyed, I fired off another text asking exactly when and if he planned on coming home. Around 2 am, he responded asking if I was still awake. Thoroughly annoyed, I responded merely that I was. He eventually only made it at 3 am, when I let him in and then turned away. Realizing he might not be able to see with my sleeping roommate on the couch, I pulled his hand to indicate direction. He paused to take off his shoes and I let go, deciding it wasn't worth it.

During this period of waiting for him, I was thoroughly annoyed and impatient. I was furious at him for making me wait, yet stayed awake not sure how much longer it would be and because I knew I wouldn't see him if I didn't. I wished he would respond to my texts and was half of a mind to tell him not to come home at all.

When he came into the room, he turned off the light behind him but I made him turn it back on and sat on the bed with the blanket wrapped around me, sipping my beer that I had opened a few hours ago. It was not even close to being done, and he sat next to me a little tentatively. He asked a couple of questions about my night and how I was feeling, to which I responded somewhat tersely.

He then mentioned that this was exactly what he'd wanted to avoid by not spending every night with me, since he felt bad about coming in late and expecting me to 'sleep with him' as he phrased it before colouring and correcting his wording. I reiterated that it wasn't the time he came in, but that he hadn't responded or given me a time. He said when he was hanging out with friends that it was difficult to know exactly when they'd be done.

Eventually I relented and leaned on his shoulder, asking him to finish my beer. He did so and handed me the last sip, which I took and then crushed the can - he seemed impressed by this. I asked about his night and we talked a little as I got ready for bed, telling him to back away while I brushed my teeth as I liked my space. He scoffed a little but agreed.

When he eventually returned to bed, I slept on the inside unlike the last time because I didn't want to feel like I was being knocked off all the time. He quickly turned to me and began kissing me, at which I paused and asked jokingly if he was sure he didn't want to sleep instead. I was a little serious, since I knew he would be tired the next day otherwise. He shrugged it off though and continued.

For some reason, I was in an incredibly chatty mood and talked a lot in between kisses and sometimes a little during them. I didn't have very much to say and made some sort of self-deprecating joke about how important the things I was saying were, which he sarcastically agreed to. Finally he told me that I "should probably stop talking" - and I laughed at how uncharacteristic it was of him to say this and agreed.

A somewhat running joke was that as we were kissing (before we even got to other things), we kept finding hairs in our mouths. First he did and then I did twice. I wasn't sure where they were coming from or what was going on, but they were pretty short and I was confused.

(usual unnecessary warning)

At some point we paused during the kissing and talking, and I lay on my back as he faced me and we talked a little more. I was wearing shorts and he stroked my leg a little as we talked, then paused to comment on the softness of them. I think he said something about how they were like a stick of butter, at which I laughed and asked if he was calling me fat. He clarified they were soft and asked if they were always that way and I, ever the romantic, stated that there was normally hair on them.

He continued stroking my legs as we kept talking, eventually taking longer strokes and coming closer and closer to more intimate areas, skimming them a little at intervals. I began squirming a little and sighing in frustration and reflected that was an incredibly smooth move, while worrying that I'd just gotten done with my period.

So I soon straightened up from his leaning over me and kissing me to lean more towards him and get on top to continue kissing him. I think I noticed my phone light was flashing and stopped to quickly check it as he sat there in disbelief, saying "good" once I explained I had silenced it.

He took my (actually his) shirt off at this point and had some struggles getting it off that I laughed about as he tried to pull it off the end of my arm. We continued kissing and he might have gotten on top again, because I remember being underneath him as he moved lower. I'd forgotten how good it felt when he kissed my neck and said as much, which obviously inspired him to do so, and I was not objecting in the least.

I squirmed and gasped and basically lost all ability to think clearly as he did this, especially as he was also moving his mouth lower. I think my neck was the most sensitive though, and I remember moving my legs ineffectually in reaction just because I didn't know how else to react because of how good it felt.

Being reluctant to let him near my lower end meant that I once again turned more towards him and got on top, which he seemed to be expecting a little. I teased a little by not being too quick to move there, and once I got there tried a number of different things including exploring different areas, going slower at first, using my hands in different ways, and slowing down a little as he got close. My hair was all over the place at first until I located a convenient scrunchie and gathered it up.

His reaction was highly satisfying as he would grip the bed tightly at intervals, tugging on my hair a little, using his hands to encourage me to move in certain ways - highly uncharacteristic of him. At some points he was unable to do more than just groan, but would sometimes encourage me to go faster. It took a little while for him to get there (partly because I would slow down), but when he did it was a little messier than usual since I wasn't prepared.

While he lay on the bed for a couple of minutes recovering (which is how I know I did something right), I cleaned him and myself up a little. I kissed him and then went to wash my face and hands. My leg had fallen asleep as I discovered when I got up and hit it on the ground, but it wasn't too uncomfortable. My hair was also a little gross, but I abandoned trying to fix it and just returned to bed.

When I got back to bed, he was mostly asleep. We might have kissed a little more, but he just snuggled me and fell further asleep. I had something to clarify though, which I poked him further awake for. I wanted him to know that it was okay when he took longer to get there and that he shouldn't worry about it or anything, because I was happy taking as much time as it took and he should just enjoy it. He mumbled some sort of assent and I let him sleep.

It took me a little longer to fall asleep, and I think I just lay awake and patted him a little. Soon enough I was also asleep.



The next morning I woke up surprisingly early, around 8:30 am. This was more impressive considering we had gone to bed around 5. He did not seem inclined to wake at all, so I went for a much needed shower. Before, I did ask about sex and us having it, mumbling something about how I wasn't in any kind of hurry and would let him know when I was ready. He didn't hear me at first and laughed and said he hadn't understood a single word, so I buried my face in his shoulder in embarrassment and then repeated myself. He agreed that there was no hurry, and just generally agreed. I listened to music in the shower, humming a little but not singing along because I didn't want to wake him.

When I got out, wet hair and all, I leaned over him to try and wake him and get him to leave so I could get dressed. He seemed highly disinclined to do so, and I decided to get mostly dressed in a different area to give him a little more time.

Once I was ready, I got in bed next to him and woke him by poking him and generally harassing him, which he stated strongly annoyed him. I didn't take him too seriously and continued until he seriously claimed he needed a minute. He soon sat up half-asleep with his shirt on (that I'd recently thrown back to him after heading for a shower), but claimed I should leave the room so he could get entirely dressed.

Somewhat amused, I complied. Outside, I began chatting with my roommate having breakfast at the time, talking for a while before realizing that it had been sufficient time for him to get dressed. (She noted the beginnings of a hickey on my neck). Knocking, I reentered the room. I thought he'd fallen back asleep, but found him sitting fully dressed on his computer. He inquired about some books of his I had, and after a little debate left me one that I was still in the process of reading.

Breakfast was made entirely by him, though I handed him some ingredients and told him where things were, and washed the pan before he used it. I mostly sat around as he cooked, starving, and enjoying watching him. I cleaned up as he worked, and finished cleaning once he was done. He thanked me for it, but I explained that he'd done everything else so it was only fair.

There were eggs, broccoli and spinach, and they were pretty good. We ate in the kitchen and he told me a little about his next day and a meeting he had he was nervous about. I reflected that he actually seemed to be sharing about his life, and was happy.

Shortly after the meal, he claimed his stomach was hurting and just wanted to crawl into a ball. He also didn't have his contacts and was mostly squinty and confused all morning. My roommate was showering, so he curled up on the couch and I sat next to him and patted his head as I worked on my computer. I wasn't sure if he liked this or not, but I continued doing so at intervals, causing my roommate to make an 'awwww' face when she reentered the drawing room.

About 45 minutes later, around 11 am, he woke with a start and claimed that he had to go. As he was supposed to be having lunch with his brother, this was unsurprising. He kissed me goodbye quickly after getting his things. My roommate was in the same room but her back was to us.

I texted him soon asking when I was next seeing him, giving him some times that I would be free. I sent another text very soon after upon realizing we could potentially grab a meal at a place we'd been planning to because I had never been there. He agreed that he "kind of" wanted to eat there as well, so I proposed a plan where this might be able to happen. He responded explaining he was probably meeting his brother for dinner instead.

I told him to let me know when he figured it out, and that sooner was better than later. I explained that I would like to hang out with him during the day at some point, but it didn't have to be that day. I texted him a couple of random things through the day about my classes which he sent a single response to. I also got lunch with a friend and had a pretty relaxed day. In the late afternoon, I texted saying that I appreciated advance notice so I wasn't left hanging.

In the evening while I was at an upperclassman event with free cocktails and a wonderful view, I texted him some incoherent comment about the ice cream there (was delicious). He asked where I was, to which I responded and also suggested he respond to other things I said. Later I sent a text about being happy, to which his response was "good". I told him to let me know when he planned to see me that night because I didn't want to be left waiting.

His response was that he was exhausted and might just stay there. I agreed that I was the same (I truly was) but that I really wanted to see him, but he should let me know now if he wasn't coming. He responded in the affirmative, and I said "Okay", clarifying that I wasn't mad but that I wasn't happy and we would probably talk about it.



The next day, I texted about his plans and he dutifully told me that he planned to shop and nap and study and attend that going away party. I asked which one, and also explained that I was asking more about when I would be able to see him. He seemed convinced that we had discussed this and explained the party. We went into a short discussion about how he was always "positive" about these things but that didn't make it that case. It wasn't serious and at the end of it I said I guessed I wasn't seeing him that day.

With no response four hours later, and after talking to a couple of friends in between who agreed that he didn't seem to have been making much effort to see me (not that this was solely what I drew my opinion from), I texted him telling him I really needed to talk to him. He responded saying he knew we needed to talk, and I panicked for a short while about whether this was a 'We need to talk' kind of talk. I asked him when this was going to happen, and he asked about my Monday schedule (this was Friday).

I asked if this meant that he wasn't coming by that night, and he 'explained' that he didn't want to come in drunk late if we needed to talk. I was angry and hurt at this point, and fired off a long response about how he'd not even once suggested we spend time together during his visit (unless I'd already asked) and I didn't feel like he was making an effort. I thought he was fantastic in person but I didn't enjoy chasing him down for this to happen, and I understood this was a busy week but indicating that he might want to see me even if it wasn't possible would be enough for me. And he knew my feelings about him staying over, and that I appreciated him trying to be considerate but it didn't count if I felt crappy because of it.

These were sent over the course of an hour, and I finished up by letting him know that I planned to have a more coherent discussion of this in person, and that I would 'infinitely' prefer if this could be before Monday. This was around 6 pm, and after receiving no response I texted him at 10 telling him that he was really going to hurt me if he didn't see me that night and I didn't care when it was. Between that time, I had a truly awful time, crying into my pillow and reflecting that all his actions seemed geared towards not placing me at any sort of priority or showing consideration for my feelings.

He did respond to the last one, asking if it wouldn't be better if we talked on Monday when we could actually see each other and talk. I responded "No" and he said he thought so, to which my angry response was that this was obviously how it was going to end up working out. He responded saying he would be uncomfortable if we didn't talk that night, and I responded saying that I wasn't going to change my mind and my opinions or how I felt obviously weren't a consideration. He said (he said, she said) that I was implying that his feelings didn't matter either. I said it was but one of us was going to have to compromise and if he felt uncomfortable then maybe he shouldn't avoid talking about it.

He believed he wasn't avoiding me and that he was being reasonable in not wanting to have this conversation drunk and late. I agreed, but said that I was upset and it was important to me. Later I explained that even if we hadn't talked that night, I would have at least felt that he cared about seeing me. Perhaps my mistake was chasing after someone who seemed unconcerned with my feelings, and that I didn't think I had ever conveyed that I didn't care about his. I also felt terrible about this argument hanging over his goodbye party for his friend, but I was upset and he could have made this simpler to resolve.

I stayed up until 3 am, hanging out with friends and third wheeling some of this time in order to distract myself from how terrible I felt. I hoped he would come by and respond but he did not. Through the day, I grew more annoyed with his lack of response and perceived avoidance of the issue. "I am tearing up and it is 3 am. I think it's time for me to stop being even more of an idiot and go to bed." is what I wrote while writing this post then.

In the morning, he responded that it could have been simpler if he hadn't overbooked himself and been more clear, but that there wasn't really a simple solution. I said that there was a solution where I wasn't left feeling the way I was, even if it hadn't ended up being the way I wanted.



I didn't text him until Sunday, when I asked what time the next day. He said he wasn't sure and asked about my schedule. I explained it, and didn't receive any response for the next 24 hours.

I was feeling slowly better over the weekend, but hadn't changed my basic opinion that he wasn't showing effort. This was separate from his busy circumstances - it was a general lack of regard for my feelings and taking me entirely for granted. I honestly think he might have not been ready for a relationship and don't understand his actions at all.

If he doesn't avoid me any further, we might be able to talk about it.

He eventually got a little better at replying, after telling me to "calm down" and not seeming to understand how upset I was. He didn't even seem to understand that I wanted to meet, asking if I wanted to do so and mentioning that my being passive-aggressive or sarcastic was unhelpful (true, but failing to realize why I was acting this way).

So I met him. And we broke up. More to follow.

Anticipating greatness

He's visiting tomorrow for a week. Naturally, I got my period today.

I suppose it isn't the worst it could have been, since I'm not in too much pain yet and it'll hopefully be done Wednesday (and I'm going to go work out today to ensure that is the case), and I'll still go get waxed tomorrow come hell or high water - but obviously not bikini waxed.

I'm excited. Things have been good lately. Minor things have come up, but I think overall our communication has improved and I've gotten better at dealing with things. I still have the challenge of feeling like things are awful in the moment when we're in conflict and questioning everything, but I do that with all my relationships and am continuing to work on and recognize that.

My friends are excited as usual to meet him. I am excited to be near him and also pretty nervous about everything. What if things end up being really weird close-distance? What if we can't stand each other in person? Or if we get bored of each other? What if we end up hating or hurting each other or both? What if his little habits that annoy me end up driving me insane? And if our personalities are just too different to be together? What if his two sets of friends hate me (for different reasons)? Or his family? What if he never introduces me to them? What if money becomes an issue? Seeing each other once I start working full-time? What if I worry too much and never enjoy the moment or appreciate him for what he is?

When I'm smart, I realize I don't need to worry about these things and that it will be fine/ work out. And even if it doesn't, I'll be strong enough to deal with that as it comes, and be better for the experience. I'm rarely smart, but I do have smart friends to help me along.

Another short update. What are we coming to?

Second honeymoon

I am reflecting now what a weird title this is. I can't think of any other way to describe this.

The last post was pretty Zen, which wasn't a bad description of how I was feeling.

I talked to him about two days after that, and he seemed very eager to talk and full of questions about my life. I decided to relent a little and not hold on to anger about his not contacting me sooner (he was indeed apparently confused and trying to give me space).

I explained everything that had been on my mind - as I already detailed in the last post - most of which he already knew, since I'm good at sending detailed emails/ instant messages about my feelings. He seemed to think I had been pretty clear.

He didn't really have much to add, having already agreed earlier that he should have told me and that he was sorry about that. He thought I had a right to know about these things, and merely tried to explain his point-of-view further. I know that when he feels awkward about things, he tries to avoid talking about them, which he explained was what he did in this case, not realizing how short-sighted that was.

I agreed that I understood that, but that I believed he needed to try and talk about things that bothered him in general, and especially 'ex' situations. He said he was always going to be reluctant to talk about certain things, but that he'd been trying over the last couple of years.

Basically it was a general meeting each other halfway situation, though in this case specifically I still believe he was in the wrong.

We then moved on to talking about the weekend itself, which he seemed rather reluctant to dive into, since it seemed like it had not gone well. This instantly inspired a reaction within me of being annoyed about him not understanding what I meant about not wanting to have to ask questions about these types of things. However, I decided to let it go temporarily and see how he felt talking about it.

It turns out that this girl arrived, and thought it meant they were dating. In some ways, I can see how this might have come about with his friendly manner, and the way he just tends to avoid uncomfortable conversations. He said he tried to make it really clear to her before she arrived without actually assuming anything about her visit (which I could see many of my other friends doing also), and that they had hardly talked. I have no reason to distrust him, and don't.

What I did clarify was that I thought he hadn't made it clear enough to her, if he wanted to avoid awkwardness. However, he clearly felt remorseful enough about this, and this wasn't what had made me upset in the first place, so I didn't pursue this line too much.

Once she began referring to them as 'us', he talked to her and let her know that they weren't together and that he was seeing someone (me!), and what had happened between them, and why they weren't together. Sounds supremely awkward and uncomfortable on both ends, and I felt quite bad for her. Not too bad, though.

Apparently, she didn't want to let this conversation go, and kept coming up with new points to try and convince him through the course of the weekend. So there's that.

He seemed to think I would be upset as he was telling me about this (since I mentioned it didn't make me feel good to have to have to ask these types of questions about the details of what happened), and apologized for that and explained that he felt as bad/ worse just talking about it. It didn't make me upset to hear about it, in fact I felt a little vindicated (schadenfreude?).

We ended the conversation with me stating that I would hope that nothing like this would occur in the future, and that he should be honest with me if they do. Like I mentioned, I like saying things.

Since then, things have been pretty great with us. We've been having some great conversations, have managed to Skype, and I feel in touch with him and what's going on in his life. I'm trying not to question him too much about things I know he's worrying about, like figuring out his plans for the summer. Things just seem great, and I feel pretty crazy about him.

I worry a little that I might be too into him, and that this might end up hurting me in the future. But (as some helpful friends said), I think that I'm strong enough to be able to deal with whatever comes up. And there's no point in worrying about it now. And I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

What I think I need to remind him of is that I will never ask him about these kinds of things again, so he should know that if he wants us to be open and trusting with each other, he should talk to me if there's any developments with any of his exes. Obviously I don't need to know all the details all the time, but especially if something changes, and (even more importantly) if there's something he's thinking about in a happy (glad they can be friends)/ sad/ awkward/ weird kind of way, then that's the kind of stuff I would expect him to share with me. And not expect me to ask about, as I will probably not be doing so in the future but would still expect to know.

Most of this is obvious, so maybe it will be a more gentle reminder.

Only about three more weeks till I see him!

No such thing as peace

I will say this (which I had disavowed earlier) - having a 'boyfriend' of sorts certainly has taught me a lot about myself. Not necessarily good things, but definitely things that I can at least improve on.

An important thing is that I'm not very good with being direct about communication - especially when I feel as though I'm being illogical about something. I prefer to try and conceal, though my feelings show through to those who know me well, and ends up emerging as passive-aggressiveness. I'm attempting to remedy this by being as open and clear about my feelings as possible, and bringing up things that annoy me directly.

So far, this hasn't been anything major (at least in my mind). Most of our 'conflicts' have been more inside my head, and more to do with the larger issue that I question whether he believes that I am important to him.

As mentioned, he's not particularly big on talking about his feelings (especially those pertaining to me), and I don't always note the ways he demonstrates them. I also get the sense that he's not sharing enough about his life or concerns with me, and feel like this 'nosy stranger' who simply questions him and with whom he doesn't necessarily share things.

I often push him to tell me more, or about these issues, which lead to our conflict when I visited him, and some little annoyances mostly on my end since. I've always felt as though I was pretty right about this - since intimacy is built by sharing these things, and it makes me feel better to tell him things.

However, I was recently reading some materials for a class, and came upon some incredibly interesting and applicable ideas. I wouldn't be too dramatic to characterize them as a revelation, and something that I want to use to act on in all my relationships (romantic and otherwise).

The first was as follows - the idea of intimacy has turned into something that is solely based upon talking and sharing 'everything' and depending on another person. However, this is pretty unhealthy and is not necessarily what couples and therapists should be pushing for. People who do exhibit low 'differentiation' tend to exhibit such tendencies, where they depend a lot on the reactions/ opinions of those close to them and can't deal with their disapproval.

This is a barrier to true intimacy, since you're always pushing/ pressuring others (especially those reluctant to do so) to share with you or expecting them to react the way you want them to. This places a lot of pressure on them (and also power in their hands), and means that they might feel afraid of disappointing or resentful.

What I have to work on is soothing my own anxiety instead of depending on other people to do it for me. When I tell people things, it will be because I love them and want to tell them about things important to me - not because I want them to make me feel better or to tell me things or to respond a certain way. I do love them and want to tell them important things, but I think currently it involves a little too much of the latter set of feelings.

It doesn't mean that I have to change my opinions about things - what's important to me (aka him being open about his life) can still be important to me. However, what will change is me pushing him about it. He will know that I like him to share things, but that it's not necessary - although good for us to grow closer to each other. And I will work on gaining appreciation of other types of non-verbal intimacy and the fact that he still cares about me and is a wonderful person.

Basically, the only thing I can really control is my reaction to situations. And that's the only thing I should be trying to control. Not him or anyone else. I shouldn't also be afraid of revealing parts of myself that I think other people won't like. Including vulnerabilities.

Since this realization, I've been really happy and feeling much calmer about everything - us included. This has yet to meet the litmus test of actually interacting with him (especially not from a distance), but I'm hoping it does, and trying to apply to friendships to strengthen it in the meantime.

Exercises about strengthening boundary control and not being so porous about letting other people in, as well as about calming down myself and trying to deal with things more by myself instead of immediately taking them to others. This doesn't mean others can't help me feel better, but just that I shouldn't expect them to. Since I lean towards overdependence, leaning heavily towards independence and self-reliance will probably just mean that I reach being normal about these things.

Sometimes my concern with pushing him about these things is that I'm stepping all over his feelings, or pushing him into things he's not comfortable with, or being selfish by not allowing him to tell me about his life/ asking about it. But I think it's okay for me to assume that he's mature enough to tell me about these things instead of me having to worry about it.

(Note: It's interesting how I just jump into conversations/ posts by just referring to him as 'he' and expecting others to instantly understand who I am talking about).

The reason this cropped up, is because he made a relatively serious mistake for the first time. The girl he hooked up with before he met me (referenced here) is visiting him from another continent, and he failed to mention this fact to me, even when discussing that she was visiting. He didn't hide it, but wasn't forthright. She's staying at his place, he's known about this for a couple of weeks, and she probably doesn't know I exist in some capacity.

Obviously this makes me angry and upset, tying into the larger issue that I feel as though I'm not important to him and he doesn't seem to care too much/ prioritize me. This is not necessarily untrue, but I don't think I should proceed with that assumption. And even if it is true, I won't regret not pushing him to tell me things. The only thing I can control is me, and even if things don't end up working out, I'll be happy with what I learned and how I reacted after the initial hurt and anger.

Look at me growing!