Another letter

Dear F,

I suppose I never quite know what to say to you now. I was writing goodbye letters to friends for the end of college, and I realized I had no idea what to put in yours. Yet it felt incomplete not to write you one since you have been such a big part of my life for the last year.

I didn't send the last letter I wrote you. What I ended up doing was running into you unexpectedly at a school event and bursting into tears the moment you walked away. Later that day, I engineered us running into each other again, and we took a sidebar (I've been watching a tv show about lawyers) for about fifteen minutes. During this time, I ascertained that you seemed to be a lot less upset than I was, and it was a civil and cordial conversation that reminded me that I enjoyed being friends with you.

I made clear that it was good that we had broken up if you genuinely didn't feel the way I did, and also that I saw no advantage to being friends at this point. I also mentioned that you could have done a far better job being considerate about my feelings than you had, and that I deserved someone who was crazy about me in the same way I'd been crazy about you - all things I'm proud of mentioning. You mentioned that things seemed right in March, but that it just felt "wrong" in the last week, and we also established that religion wasn't the real reason behind it.

Still, I don't feel like you really got it. Maybe it was the drunkenness or just the surroundings, or maybe you just can't understand the feeling unless you live through it - but I would have expected a little more remorse and understanding if you understood how I felt. Instead, you treated it not as a breakup and I felt vaguely ridiculous for thinking of it as such (once again).

So I thought it might be good to write you another letter, having conveyed my intention to talk with you again. We're going to do so in about two weeks, but it might as well be worthwhile to write my feelings down. Especially as I don't know how to start or end this conversation, only the essence of what I want to say.

Just remember that whatever I'm saying is because I did (and probably still really do) care about you, and not because I'm trying to hurt you or be bitter. I genuinely think you need to hear it, and also that I need to say it (because there's definitely a slight element of wanting you to recognize my hurt).

What it's easier for me to understand now is how you thought in the week that culminated with us breaking up. I can understand and recognize now that you probably didn't (ever) feel the same way that I had, and you liked spending time with me and hooking up, so it seemed natural and easy for us to slip into a relationship when I leaned towards it.

And you didn't realize this when you were away, but when you were back and I started expecting you to behave differently from when we were just friends - expecting you to spend more time etc., you began noticing that it felt wrong. I don't know if you thought more deeply than this, but this is because you didn't like me as more than a friend.

I know now what it's like to feel like you're happy just being in the company of another person - even if you're not actually talking. To really look forward to seeing them, to keep a map of them in your head, to think about them most of the time, to be ridiculously happy when they take your hand - that's how I felt about you. And I know you didn't feel the same way about me, and probably didn't recognize that this was the way you were supposed to feel.

So you tried to come up with some reason to break up, and settled on religion, which was easier than figuring out your own feelings. You told me your reasons 'didn't seem good enough', probably cause you never articulated or were conscious of them in this way.

From my perspective, it seems clear that you never quite felt this way about me. And I can't decide whether that's better or worse than you having these feelings and then having them fade away.

Anyway, this would be something I could forgive you for. But you handled everything else about the situation wrong. You didn't appear to think about my feelings at all, which would be the basic consideration I expect even from a friend. A lot of behaviour you demonstrated were things I wouldn't accept from a friend - cancelling on plans at the last minute, not texting me back until past the time we were supposed to meet, keeping me waiting up without a clear idea of your return.

Basic empathy as a friend would seem to me at least caring about how I feel, or checking in about that, or at least thinking about it. Instead, you admitted to me that it hadn't been on your mind. And the message I took from that was that my feelings weren't and hadn't been important to you. When a friend asked me out, I was concerned about his feelings after rejecting him, and pondered them for a while since I was concerned even though I didn't feel romantically for him.

Most importantly, to me it demonstrated that you appeared to have no desire to really see me or spend time with me, and didn't seem to think how I might feel about your actions. Obviously I expected more from you given that we were in a relationship, but in my mind your actions were far below what I would expect even from a friend.

It's hard for me, from where I stand right now, to feel as though you even care about me as a friend. You have no idea what's going on in my life now (or even in that week) - things I might be concerned about or that might be on my mind. I've had friends going through serious surgeries and family illnesses, angst about graduation, being sick myself, musings about religion - none of which you'd know about because you never really asked.

Why would I want to be friends with someone who treated me in this way?

I feel as though because I couldn't stay angry and forgave you relatively quickly and seemed to bounce back, you didn't understand or appreciate the extent to which you hurt me. I still think that you treated me badly - certainly as a girlfriend but even more just in terms of fulfilling the basic expectations of a friend. You made me feel truly awful, and I understood for a moment how a person could want to not talk to another person for the rest of their life.

At first, it was difficult for me to even see where I was expected to go from here, since you say you want to be friends. I'm not mad at you any more - that lasted maybe a week at most. I think I'm probably physically incapable of holding a grudge for too long, especially with someone I care about. A long conversation with a roommate did help me clarify some of this.

I am at a place where I simply have no expectations of you and don't see you as a legitimate friend. I'm not angry at you, it's just a very neutral place. You're essentially an acquaintance, and I have other friendships like this where I know the other person is selfish or flakey but not truly malicious or uncaring (less sure about the latter for you). When friends like this reach out and contact me, I'm happy to hang out since I'm not angry, and it's generally fun. I wouldn't make the effort (any more) to reach out and contact them, beyond occasional texts or emails when convenient or if something reminded me of them.

But I don't have any expectations in terms of me making an effort or wanting to tell them about my life or expecting them to care or be there for me. I don't believe they will do that, so it's easier for me to not expect it. Especially with you, I feel as though every time I have greater expectations of you, I just end up getting hurt and feeling stupid about them. In the last month or so, you've only given me reason to think this of you, and this is where I am now.

This isn't a real friendship in my mind. Nor would I necessarily like it to be a permanent state of things, though it would be easier for me this way since there wouldn't be a risk of my feelings developing again (and I will not feel the same way again). But I like and value our connection, and you were one of the rare people that I could be entirely honest with.

Theoretically, I would hope that we can work to a friendship. A real one. But that can't happen with the way you've been acting. I feel like ideally, I would like you to acknowledge you've been a crappy friend and promise to try harder because this friendship is important to you. Realistically, you'll probably be like "I didn't mean it" and "that's just the kind of person I am" and not really make much of an effort.

I suppose that's easier for me too. I'm not mad at you, and you not changing will mean that I have less chance of getting hurt. I know that being real friends is a risky proposition, and developing feelings again would dangerous. It's been a lot easier than I thought to cut you out of my life (perhaps because you weren't actively present in it as much), and imagine our relationship as a clear part of the past. This way, I can maintain my friendly and distant affection for you without getting hurt.

We shall see. I'm not quite sure how to end this conversation, I suppose I'll just see what you have to say. And we shall go from there.

I've been concerned about the prospect that I might be telling you this just because I want to hurt you, or have you acknowledge my hurt and seem somewhat affected by what happened between us instead of treating it as a non-entity. After all, indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. There's certainly an element of that present. As usual though, a larger part of me is sorry about the thought of hurting you (which I've just realized is progress from earlier agonizing about it).

At the same time, I think it's important for me to express my emotions for once in order to receive a further form of closure. And if we ever were actually to be friends, I would need to know that you at least care about my feelings or seem concerned about me. I might be intensely non-confrontational, but I think this would be a good experience for me.

Tentatively yours,
Me

P.S. This part I haven't admitted to anyone, but I was thinking about missing hooking up with you, and was startled to acknowledge that I missed this physically and not romantically. I suppose that aspect of things for us was always separate from whatever feelings we expressed, and was more about being comfortable with you and having fun. I've been turning over the idea in my mind of us hooking up over the summer, with boundaries about it just being physical, but I know literally everyone I know would think it was a terrible idea. I still haven't dismissed bringing it up, but first let's see how this talk goes. I want to, and I'll give it time.

Quotes from TV shows/ movies that have stuck with me:
"People aren't mean, they're just polite liars" - The Good Wife
"Pain demands to be felt" - The Fault in Our Stars
"We accept the love we think we deserve" - The Perks of Being a Wallflower