In-between

Continuing on from the last post, I left for the summer (he was staying there), thinking I'd never see him again. I was interning in another city (albeit in the same country) for the summer, and I knew next-to-nothing about the city or internship I was going to, and was frankly a little afraid. Even though my mother came with me to help me settle into the city and the internship ended up being amazing, the beginning was a little shaky and having him there to talk me through it was really reassuring somehow.

Despite the distance, I feel as though we grew closer over the summer. We talked via text or GChat every day, and it felt like a continuous conversation all summer. Slowly, I learned more about him and we became real, good friends instead of just mildly flirty acquaintances. I didn't really miss him because he felt near. I sometimes/ often felt like I was stretching the conversation and merely trying to keep it going while he wasn't that interested, but it somehow persevered (mostly through effort on my part).

My friend often suggested I had this continuous perspective that he wasn't interested in me, and kept trying to frame my stories to fit this. Aka I 'rationalize every little detail to make it seem like he's not interested'. Not that my stories necessarily required that much framing, but this is genuinely the way I tend to think about romantic interactions - I always assume the other person just isn't that interested and that I'm just putting myself out there. I kept deciding we were just friends or that he wasn't interested or something similar or all of the above. So read this story with that perspective, though I'm trying to keep it as neutral as possible this is my blog.

I knew I was visiting my college town once over the summer, and there was really only one weekend I could visit (my boss allowed me to take the Thursday and Friday off). Unfortunately he looked like he was going to be away that weekend on a family trip. Half-jokingly (but not in my head) I suggested that he try and find another date, and he said he would. And he did. I'm still not sure how much actual manoeuvring that involved, but I wasn't complaining.

Some vague plans had been made to watch Shakespeare in the Park when I visited because I had suggested it to him and he just said we should go when I was there. No concrete plans were made, but I was excited because it was a pretty date-y activity, much as I tried to convince myself otherwise.

I wasn't sure where our feelings stood at this point (at one point he had jokingly said he loved me when I joked that I hated him, which I took as evidence that I was in the 'just friends' category), I vacillated between trying to not read too much into his actions while doing so anyway. I kept trying to convince myself (and others) that there was nothing between us, and reading too much into little things he did. Every once in a while, I would be completely certain he didn't want to continue the conversation and just decide to give up but then want to talk to him again. I would decide we were 'just friends', much to the continuing exasperation of my friends.

I drunk called him once or twice (from work retreats) - once before my visit and once after. Results were mixed, because I enjoyed the conversation but sometimes grew frustrated with his sleepiness or being engaged in other conversations.

We made plans for him to pick me up from the airport (one of my mother's conditions if I took the Wednesday night flight instead of Thursday morning) even though he didn't have a car, and to go on the outing to the play in the park. I was definitely excited about the weekend, though I had no idea what to expect. I tried my best not to expect too much.

I have no game

So, on to what I hinted at in the last post. There is indeed a new boy that I'm interested in, and I'm going to call him F, and you fictional readers are probably going 'Hallelujah!' Maybe I'll finally find new hope and fall for a guy where the relationship is clearly not doomed from the start.

Nope. He's a year below me in uni (though he's actually older than me in real life) and ever since I've known him, I've known that he is studying abroad all of my last year. And not somewhere near me. Who knows where I will be after. We've been in the same club at school for years now and I suppose I saw him around and thought he was attractive, but I never really noticed him or talked to him. We went on a trip to glorious Europe as part of this club (with a few other people), which was when I really first met him. I didn't get to spend that many days with him since I popped home on the way there to surprise my mother for Mother's Day, but it was still at least four days. I remember thinking he was cute, and he seemed nice and more talkative than I thought (he seems quiet on observation), and I got to know him better.

By the end of the trip, I had developed a slight embarrassing crush. Nothing more serious than the usual I routinely develop on attractive boys that I slightly/ moderately interact with. On the 9-hour flight home, I pretended that I had a neck ache since the seat next to me was empty. At first I thought the seat next to him was empty and strategized how to go up and sit next to him while having it be casual, and then halfway approached and realized that it wasn't. Hopefully no one else in the group observed this hasty retreat (we were all seated separately). Later I saw him in the aisle and just asked him to sit next to me. So he did. Then I slept on his shoulder for many hours.

At first I couldn't quite fall asleep but I managed to, and then slept quite soundly. His head sometimes smacked mine as it lolled and he didn't notice (but I've learned he's a deep sleeper). I'd sometimes wake up and wonder what other people thought or if any of our group saw us - turned out one of them did and took a photo but I can't say I'm not glad he did. Mostly I just thought about how comfy yet firm his shoulder was.

When we got back to campus, we remained friends, for that is what we had become. I made the effort to talk to him and text him and GChat him (but while remaining hyper-aware that I didn't want to seem clingy or interested). I even made bold moves (for me) like inviting him to meet me in our student centre as I had dinner. I knew I enjoyed talking to him, and I was steadily starting to actually like him more and more.

Signs seemed somewhat promising, even though I tried to not get my hopes up and convinced myself otherwise. We went to dinner twice, and he paid both times (since he owed me money from the trip). I still don't believe those were dates, but my friends tried my best to convince me otherwise. However, two friends can just go out for dinner. We went once to a nicer than usual Chinese restaurant and once to a Mongolian make-your-own-stir-fry place popular around uni.

I really enjoying getting to know him better, particularly as these dinners were against the background of us continually texting/ chatting. At this point, he was one of my good friends, and I knew I was certainly developing stronger feelings for him. I was learning more about him - he liked to read (particularly classics), he had a genuinely funny sense of humour, he was a great listener, we had gif-wars, he stayed up late at night and didn't get much sleep, he learned two languages 'just for fun', he was very thoughtful, he was kind in little ways (brought me a jacket when I was cold/ gave me his), he was attractive and didn't even know it ('hold on to that unicorn by the horn, girl!' is what I've heard about boys like that), and many other things.

On his last night in town (also the same night we had the second dinner), he was locked out of his room by his roommate and (roommate's) girlfriend. I have since contemplated the thought that he might have been stretching the truth but I don't think he's the type to make a move like that. After going to a party and walking a drunk friend home, he came over to my residence hall, where my friends and I were trying to finish the alcohol left over at the end of the year.

We all proceeded to get thoroughly drunk, and my friends gave us time alone together (though we were still in the living room of my other friend's suite), and...nothing happened. I'm not sure why, but the thought of making a move/ inviting him to my room/ not inviting my friend to keep coming to hang out with us/ not sabotaging my romantic chances didn't even occur to me. It wasn't like I rejected it for being a bad idea, the thought didn't even occur.

Apparently I have no game. Anyway, the next day I really regretted not having made any sort of half-move/ giving him the opportunity to make one, and I thought I would never see him again. He did actually end up staying over at my place, and I fell asleep next to him as he was sleeping on the couch (I was uncomfortably sitting on the floor and leaning on the couch but we were both intoxicated enough that we mostly just passed out).

My (male, gay) roommate walked by as we were lying half-cuddling in this manner, and I later received a text "__My name__, I found you in the arms of a man this morning!?!?", which was hilarious. As I tried to wake him up (he had a training for his summer job to go to), he kept getting a hold of the hand I was trying to poke him awake with and cuddling it and going back to sleep, which about melted me. Still, he left without anything happening and I thought I'd never see him again. Or at least not for a year.

Here it goes again

Well then, it's probably impressive how long it's been since I've last written. Don't assume this means that my life has suddenly become a lot more interesting in the meantime, or that I've engaged in some torrid affair and forgotten about measly little blogs.

My life has been much the same. Except I am now in my last year of college. What/ when/ how did this happen and can I make it stop? I'm going through the job search process, and it's a lot less fruitful than I assumed it would be. It's really hard to not take it personally and wonder exactly what I did wrong (particularly when the company I interned with two years ago didn't even offer me an interview this time around).

And it seems like consulting might be the right career for me? Particularly if I get to travel and earn well and learn all about different industries and not decide what I need to do with my life yet. I know I'm not necessarily being boxed into a career for the rest of my life, but it certainly feels a little worryingly like I might be (if I don't get consulting). And it seems like I might not get it.

At the same time, I keep getting these little voices in the back of my head that wonder if I want to take some time off, if I'm ready to enter the working world, if this is really what I want to do?

Now I have had a lot of wine and have been sharing stories with the new roommates. I have mostly been asking questions and not answering them, but they haven't asked. And most of the time I like asking questions as well.

I like my new roommates a lot. I feel like the essential chemistry is there and all that is maybe left is for the honeymoon phase to pass? And I'm not even sure that it will. I feel as though I have learned a lot about their lives in the way that I've always wanted to know about people.

Those last two paragraphs were written drunk and make even less sense given the context and seriousness of the previous discussion, but I decided to leave them there because that's how I think.

I'm just going to go ahead and publish this now. There's so much more to say but if I don't get started with posting again, I'm never going to.

So I'll leave you (future me) with this tantalizing hint: there's a new boy in my life. And I've been through a lot of firsts. But don't get too hopeful, that doesn't actually lead anywhere particularly productive.