Oh dear

I was just watching the happy, feel-good ending of one of my favorite movies, when I thought of how forced the actors must have been and how despite the fact that they portrayed chemistry, they weren't going out in real life and weren't even friends. Instantly, large amounts of the joy from the movie was lost for me. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy it?

Coming back to life

So, I do realize how long it has been since I updated. I just got caught up in a lot of things. Does anyone know about fanfiction? Well, now I do. A lot. Anyway, it's not like there are too many people reading anyway. But that's how I like it.

Remember one of the friends I told you about the other day (in August) who thought she was in love. I thought it seemed genuine but she lives far away and I hadn't met the guy. It wasn't. I know most friends say this but he was a jerk. She was perfectly right to break it off, even though she made mistakes too. Still, I have her opinion on things. So now she seems heartbroken and just for once I wonder if maybe...just maybe love isn't the best thing one can have.

Speaking of which, I will be 16 soon! I'm planning a joint party with two of my friends and we are going to have fun. It should be pretty big, and I'm hoping there won't be drinks but I think some people will bring them in.

Anyway, I was thinking that one of the reasons I behave quite younger than I am in ways is the fact that I am treated that way by my parents. I was talking to my mother the other day and she was referring to what she calls 'going around' and how my old school has become very 'fast' as she calls it. She asked me about my friends and what they thought about it and if they were and when I told her nothing (I don't know, and Maybe) then I could feel something. I could feel her pain - she was trying to connect with me and I could not respond. Why? Because I knew that if I revealed something, it would just give her fodder to use when she was next angry at me. It's true that she doesn't mean it. But somehow, having her know is just worse. Because the problem is, I do like boys (and in my opinion it's perfectly normal to have a boyfriend at my age - it gives you valuable experience for the future and I know I would never be pressured into having sex or doing something I don't want to). She suspected a lot about X, but to be fair she hasn't really brought it up. Maybe I do give her less credit then she is due, but I just can't tell her now.

It's not like I even really have the chance to have a boyfriend. I don't have any close guy friends (this is one of the reasons I'm glad this blog is just for me) and I'm not pretty enough and don't maintain myself well enough to make boys go for me. Still, I have hopes.

I'll tell her when I'm 18 or when I go to college. That's when she'll find it acceptable. And I dream of the days when we can have comfortable conversations about boys or men and she can advise me. But till then, I'll wait. Sometimes I feel the fear though that if I wait too long nothing will ever change and I will never be able to confide things to her.

I do love her.

I'm trying out the new formatting by posting a video. I hope you comment and suggest things about my voice! This is not a music video, so please do give it a view.

Something funny

I guess I am a feminist. I believe in equal rights for females, which I believe they pretty much have in the developed world. I do, however, find this very funny. Don't ask where I got it.

"Never trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Love, like, whatever

So I have been looking at my old tags. I think I have been wrong. It doesn't sound like me at all to think that what was just a crush on X could be love. Maybe I just classified it under the general category. Love is a bit beyond me just now, although some of my friends say they have it. To be fair to them, it seems genuine in two of their cases, one of them just doesn't know it yet though!
That's all for now.

Updates

Well, I looked at my blog today and was very impressed by the fact that I have actually got two comments! So thank you Beth and Dancing Queen - I took a look at your blogs as well - although I couldn't access DQ's profile for some strange reason. Anyway it also made me guilty about the fact that I only post about once a month, so I'm going to try and make that more frequent. But it's hard because....okay I looked away and started doing other stuff on the computer so I can't remember how that sentence ended. It shouldn't actually be that hard except for the fact that nobody except me knows that this blog exists (just remembered this is actually what I was going to say). Which is quite good because no one knows my innermost thoughts but I'd like some anonymous (well, people who I don't know) readers and commenters.

SO, nothing much has actually been happening. With friends, I've been feeling a little left out lately. When we got back from the school holidays an undisclosed amount of time back it just seemed like everyone was so close except me. Does anyone know a way to make friends confide in you and to get closer to them? Maybe I should start interacting with all my friends. And maybe I should confide in some of them too. I just realized I don't really tell them my secrets except for one or two. Love begets love and all that sort of thing? On the positive side I am making/ have made new friends from the new students who joined. New chances?

I have still not been doing much exercise because I am a lazy child. I should be doing much more exercise because I am not only getting pudgy, much more importantly I am also unhealthy. The problem is that I don't restrict my food, which is fine and good but I don't exercise either. You can see how that leads to problems.

The other day I had this sudden thought that maybe, just maybe I've been pushing myself down. What if X had also liked me but been to shy to tell me? When he asked me if the rumor that I liked him was true (so many years ago ;) ) I replied that that was the past. He was always a good friend and once when we were in the building where we used to live, he took me up onto the roof - unfortunately there were creepy creatures there and the visit was cut short - but what had he wanted to tell me away from everyone else? He always held my hand back and although he disentangled it when his family came in sight.......but there's really no point to this thinking. So what if after I left after my visit to *where he lives* he wrote on Facebook to his good friend wanting to talk about girls. Nothing ever happened, we live in different places now and nothing will ever happen (even though I secretly have dreams that some day in university we may meet).

The only reason that I have been thinking about him recently is because of stupid stupid mutual friend (actually she's really nice) who just joined our school. She thinks he's 'the coolest guy you will ever meet' and keeeeeeps *okay, I'm exaggerating* talking about him. AGH. They used to be really close apparently. PRAY TO (WHOEVER) he never ever told her much about me. Anyway I think me and her are going to be friends. She is nice, despite her untoward associations. ;)

And I just discovered that when the rest of my family went on a trip recently - I stayed back for important reasons which I can't disclose - they met him. HE WAS THERE the whole time with his family and not one of my family thought it important enough to tell me. No 'hey Anya (my nom de plume) we saw X in *wherever*'. YICK. They never knew I liked him of course, but he is part of a family who we are close to. Now I'm pretty sure that my quite perceptive mother has at least realized that fact given that I gaped for an entire moment after hearing that. It was just unexpected.

So that's all that's going on. What do you think? Basically to be honest here I'm just hoping you say he liked me. But I should get over it. The problem is guys here just look through me. Just as if I'm not there. To be fair some of them I haven't been introduced to but still....what happened to romance? Walking up to someone and striking up a conversation because you like them. I guess that I should get real. This is high school after all.

Nothing much

Well, it's been ages since I last wrote, not that anyone's reading. And it's not even like there's been anything major going on. Same old, same old. Life goes on, I meet friends etc etc. There is still no guy in my life. Not even a friend who is like nice or something. Just...nothing.

The other day I had a right moan with my friend about the fact that there's not a single guy in my life, the fact that I'm never going to have nothing when I'm old to look back at and be - wow, young love etc etc. And sometimes I do end up feeling a little empty. When my friends talk excitedly about some guy or when my best friend ends up getting together which some guy who she's liked forever, then I feel a little ehhhh. Normally I'm fine, but there come some times when I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and I am going to eventually meet someone who I will then spend the rest of my life with. I know I sound like a sop, and honestly normally I think I'm managing well alone. But just once in a while I feel hideously unattractive and I was caught in such a moment. And so I kept on whining and she kept on being nice and a good friend. Unfortunately, later on I was chatting with the guy she likes - because she had wanted me to get to know him. And I was telling her what he had said - he had said something about how maybe we would see each other around, and she said something which implied we probably wouldn't. Which is contrary to what she said earlier when she said we would definitely meet. So I think I've convinced her that I'm a desperate loser.

Bye anyway.

More about body image

Sorry it took a while, but I've been busy with this and that. Anyway, to whoever's reading, here are my thoughts on body image.

The funny thing is, I never thought about this until [just realized this detail is too personal since it will make you realize a good deal about where I may come from - so suffice it to say that someone told me about this]. Well, it was then that I realized it. Our media is absolutely obsessed with The Beautiful People and that leads to the Thin People being considered the beautiful. Now, I seem to recall an article somewhere which told me that from a very young age, people have a natural inclination to find thinner people attractive. Perhaps this is something left behind from our caveman times, when the thinner people were the better ones at hunting and gathering. Whatever the case may be, I honestly have no problem with this. It might inspire the plump, inactive, unhealthy people (such as me) to get off their butts and lose that fat.

What does annoy me is the fact that this slight natural preference for thinner people has somehow turned into a societal obsession. Now fatter people are considered ugly and the thinnest of people are considered 'fat'. FAT is one of the biggest ways a girl can insult another girl and people with weight problems (didn't want to use the word fat too much!) are given negative qualities and are always the 'sidekicks' or the unpopular people in movies until they lose weight. The one glorious exception is, of course, Hairspray, but this is one comparitively less popular movie compared to 1000+++++ other box office no 1 films.

And what is even worse, losing weight is such an obsession among the fashion and beauty industry that people are quite literally dying to lose weight. Yes, I'm talking about anorexia and bulimia. Like Botox and other forms of plastic surgery, this is one of the practices obviously prevalent in the film and TV industry yet is rarely admitted to unless by a few brave souls (this is an even better metaphor than I thought!).

So what do we do? Because when I think about this, it seems like one of a million huge problems our world has to conquer - sadness, poverty, starvation, clean water, GLOBAL WARMING, violence, oppressive governments, fossil fuels etc (a lot of these are linked - what does that tell you?). But, like every other problem it can be eradicated one person at a time. We should start teaching about this in schools (as some already do), begin writing letters to our representatives in the government about this. On a personal level, every girl can tell her friends that they ARE NOT fat, they DO NOT need to go on a diet, or anything else and they are perfect as they are.

So just like France has banned glamorizing anorexia, let's try to do the same (okay, the one thing I will give away is that I do not live in France). To anyone who is reading, keep guessing!

I am one of those bloggers who does not secretly want to be 'discovered' and made into a book. I have written too many actual personal details, so if anyone who really knows me read this, they would know who I was. Sure, I want to have my 15 minutes of total fame just like everyone else (just to know what it's like), but not this way. And not longer than 15 minutes!

Images

I was thinking the other day about our society and all the pressures people face. I mean, I have no problem with women dressing up and looking good if it makes them feel great (which it does), that's the whole point of makeup and stuff. But the fact that most women only dress up and put makeup on to attract guys is stupid. Even in all those chick lit novels which I do enjoy for the true love ideal the protagonist is normally pretty.

And I'm no saint, I wouldn't enjoy the books so much if the lead character wasn't gorgeous or secretly pretty. But that's the whole point. Even someone like me, who tries really hard not to judge women by their looks, find myself doing so. Of course this may just be me and others who consider themselves against judging women on looks are able to prevent themselves from doing so.

The fact is that these people are rare. If I see an ugly, fat woman on the street most people would be less inclined to approach or help them. And we all love the movies where the girl gets a makeover, is now pretty, and gets a guy.

It's all the media's fault. (and ours because the media gives us what we want).

More later.

Extreme boredom. And hunger.

My stomach is growling. Seriously. I'm so hungry I might actually faint if I don't get some nourishment into my estomac soon. Before anyone worries, I've not decided to become anorexic and starve myself but am just waiting for the food to be laid upon the table so I can go stuff myself.

Not that I couldn't do to lose a few kilos/ pounds, especially around my thighs. I love my metabolism, considering the fact that I haven't done any exercise other than running around in Physical Education for about 10 minutes every Friday I'm still pretty slim. However if I just started exercising I know that the problem areas around my thighs, my butt and underarms would disappear. Unfortunately I'm extremely lazy. However, I have made a resolution to start exercising after visiting X's house and seeing just how active he and his sister are 24/7. So hopefully when we move to our new house which is really close to that of one of my best friend's we have resolved to begin exercising together and doing fun stuff like sports and jogging. Gyms are extremely boring. She doesn't need the exercise, but since most skinny girls of my age are convinced that they are fat and could use to lose weight (unlike me, who's just being literal here) she will join too. Besides, exercise never harmed anyone.

Meanwhile extreme boredom is striking during Spring Break. I flip and flop from room to room in my house, promising myself that I will not turn the television on because then I won't be able to stop; not knowing anything else to do. I don't know if the grammar in the last sentence was right but honestly I don't care anymore. I'm trying to cut down on my computer and telly usage because I don't want to ruin my eyes (not having glasses/ spectacles yet) but no book has really engaged me for a while and I have absolutely no urge to do anything else. I can't wait until I go out with my friends on Monday - we're going to have lunch and watch a movie.

But meanwhile time passes slowly on, and even the computer fails to engage me as much as usual. Well, I'm off to go look for a book now.
PS - I left spaces between paragraphs for this entry because the first time I published this it looked like a big chunk and extremely unappealing to read.

Highs

Have you ever done something that makes you feel so happy while you're doing it? You're totally in control, you know exactly what's going on and you know exactly how to deal with it. And if it doesn't go the way you want it to go you can pinpoint exactly when it went wrong and try to stop it.

It could be a sport that makes you feel this way, or some form of public speaking, or even I guess flirting with the opposite sex (I have zero experience with this kind of thing so I would not know). It could actually be anything. If you don't have something like this, get it. It's amazing.
I have the same thing with some form of public speaking - I won't tell anyone which for fear that they will track me or whatever. Though if you wanted to try or you knew me it would be quite easy I suppose. The information that I have given would be recognized quite easily, especially if, god forbid, X saw this!

I had a competition for this thing today, and it was fun! Well, it's late now and my mum's calling me, so goodbye until the morrow. Sorry if this post was a little short or incoherent but I'm tired and still a little high from our win (despite not speaking because I wasn't in town for 3 of the 7 days we were preparing for this competition).

Fact/ Fiction

The following facts about me are enough to let anyone reading (unlikely, I never get any comments) know the person who is writing this; but not enough to let stalkers or whoever the Internet brings to my doorstep.

FACT: I am 15 years old
FICTION: This blog is fictional.

FACT: I don't know any guys at all
FICTION: I exaggerate in this blog

FACT: I wish I had guy friends
FICTION: I am popular

FACT: I dream about me and every hot guy I say a word to somehow getting together like in a teen movie
FICTION: That actually happens

FACT: My mother is overprotective
FICTION: I'm allowed to date

FACT: I love my family
FICTION: I have very very close friends who know everything truly about my past and who I tell everything to

FACT: I do tell almost everything to my friends
FICTION: They know everything about my past

FACT: I moved to a new school in 9th grade
FICTION: I made friends there instantly

FACT: The girl meant to show me around was popular, I thought I could join her group
FICTION: She took good care of me (Really, she ignored me after the first day)

FACT: I spent my mornings in the bathroom stalls and lunches in the library for about six months until I found friends I liked and fit in with well
FICTION: No one knew about this

FACT: I didn't tell anyone
FICTION: People couldn't figure it out

FACT: I hate some of the people I hang around with
FICTION: I show this clearly

FACT: I have my moods
FICTION: I PMS

That was quite a random list but it was a bite-sized way of introducing myself and my past which no one really knows about in this kind of detail. Now you have a better idea of what kind of person I am. One last fiction is that I am depressed and emo - in fact almost all my friends think I'm always happy and cheerful (and one of them is annoyed by it but she's a moody bitch and I hate her so whatever). I have great and fun times with my friends but just don't write about them here because I haven't been regular during the school term. Now I have holidays and then exams and so am being more regular. :)

I try

I don't want this to turn into a moany, whiny blog so after this, I'll try to keep my posts about X down to the minimum number - although in my current 'really missing him' state of mind I'm not sure I can manage that...I think that I just need to meet my friends and tell them all about him so that I can get it out. My mother suspects me of liking him and being 'manipulative' to get time alone with him but that's not true. We were meant to watch the movie with our siblings and I hoped to hold his hand but planned on holding his sister's. And then our siblings decided to go write a song (some creative urge) which wasn't particularly good, promising to join us later. They didn't and that's how it happened that we held hands and that my heart hurts (but isn't broken) right now. It's the lost potential. I really don't know any guys except my brother at all.

But for now,

Dear X,

Do you suspect that I have pathetically fallen for you and thus are trying to keep our communication to the bare minimum? We used to email earlier until I made the stupid mistake of telling you I liked you. Since then you've avoided email contact with me, if possible. How do I tell you I've changed? I want you to reply although I know you won't and it's probably better that way.

I sent you a friendly mail and said 'hi' when you came online, but got no reply or an 'I can't talk now'. So life just keeps going on and I keep waiting for that mail. But I know I won't get a reply.
I heard you might visit in June/ July. I bet our mothers will not manage to fix the dates but I can still hope, can't I?

Me

Why Can't I

This is how I feel, but the song is more intense. I don't mean to violate any copyright, got this off the internet. I love this song!

LIZ PHAIR LYRICS

"Why Can't I?"

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

To the guy I like

Dear X,

What happened? We used to be good friends, and I had the hugest crush on you and we met everyday. We grew closer and closer and I began to think that maybe (just maybe) you liked me. We even held hands in a movie once when I was scared and you were worried about me. I was 12 and innocent and thought with all my heart that this could work even though both of us were moving to different places. And then my cousin told me to try telling you I liked you and since I was visiting her I mustered up the courage from somewhere while we were chatting. But I don't even know if that was you or your sister. And you never replied. You signed out and didn't even reply to the many mails I sent you, still hoping. Finally, to save whatever was left of our friendship, I made my cousin send you a mail saying that she had done all that as a prank. And you still didn't reply.

And then we met on a tropical island holiday (doesn't that sound exotic) and spent time together as if everything was normal. But you still didn't reply to my mails. When you left, my heart broke. I had a physical pain in me and even my mother, who I never tell anything of this sort to, could tell. Of course nothing had happened between us. But it was the lost potential that I regretted.

I had never and still don't have any close guy friends. I'm not the kind of girl and I hang out with one of the uncooler groups in school. The only guys I know I talk casually to once a school day, something like "What's the answer to that question?" and "12" from me.

And once I moved I was sure that it was all over, I was over you now. It took me about 7 months to make the good friends (girls) that helped me settle in, but once that was done I barely thought about you.

I started liking guys and had an intense crush on one (of course I didn't know him at all - he was just popular and nice and hot). So I was fine, wasn't I?

Sure, I had the odd dream every six months and you were there, romantically, a few old memories and regrets would come back but nothing happened. I liked here.

You almost came and visited me, my brother and my dad once (my mum was out of town) when you were here on a school trip. I of course told 10 friends to call me when we were supposed to meet to show how much I had gotten over you. 2 did, but you went out with 2 girl friends. You invited me, but I didn't come. I wasn't comfortable.

And last weekend I visited you. My brother and your sister, despite their 6 year age difference (he's 17, she's 11), got along brilliantly and spent a lot of time together so we had some time alone. I met some of the numerous new girl friends you had made and learnt just how popular you were. And we spent time alone. I told myself that I didn't, I couldn't, like you.

But you awakened parts of me I didn't know were there. You asked me serious questions like you really wanted to know me, and cracked jokes with me. We became good friends and I (oh-so-casually) leaned on your back, ruffled your hair, and leaned close to you.

We (just the two of us) watched a movie together at your house. We lay next to each other on the bed (just our ankles and hips touching sometimes) until the scary parts came. And of course I held your hand. Not because it was scary but because I wanted to. And YOU GAVE ME BUTTERFLIES.

No guy has ever given me butterflies in my stomach. You gently stroked the back of my hand with your thumb and made my stomach feel weightless. It seemed like you weren't aware of me, but then when your mother or your sister came into the room you would take it away.

I buried my head in the pillow in the end, pretending I was scared, and went a little closer to you. Just like heaven.

But now I'm back. With some pain, but not the same kind as after that holiday. And I can't forget you - maybe hope we're in the same university or we meet somewhere again; and I look older and MUCH MUCH better and I tell you I used to like you and you can't resist me. And then we will kiss.

That won't happen, will it?

Some of my friends say you used to like me, some of them don't know. If anyone's reading, what do you think? I have no idea....

From
Me

Valentine Schmalentine

A child on my schoolbus wishing another "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!" notified me that it was once again that time of year. The time that the card, gift and chocolate companies spend the rest of the year preparing for. The time when half the girls in school wander around with flowers in their hands and the boys engage in desperate last minute internal sales between each other (the ones who have forgotten purchase from others at high prices, I kid you not). The time that is calculated to make every single person shrivel into a crisp.

Despite what it may seem, I am not a cynic. In fact, I am one of those hopeless romantics who waits for a smart, thoughtful, handsome (and popular, I hate to admit, but I am in high school) guy to come declaring declarations of eternal love to me. Nothing would make me happier than to live a romantic comedy. My favorite genre is chick-lit. In a way this makes it harder. If I was cynical I could be happy in my cynicism and never even long for more. But I do. However, I exaggerate. I do not go through the school with a ghost smile on my face while meanwhile "pain is in me like a rock from my neck". Through the day I forgot on many occasions that it was that day (that is, until the next bouquet dangling from someone's hand hit me in the face). I just felt a pang I saw happily kissing couples.

There does not seem any likelihood I will one half of these. Firstly I do not know any guys. Despite attending a co-ed school and being in the tenth grade, I spend my lunchtimes with a group of girls and my only contact with the male species in school is the occasional few words exchanged with the friend of a friend. And even these send me thinking about them all day and analyzing them. The most wanted boy in the grade sits a seat away from me in English because the teacher wants him to concentrate. And I try and snatch every few seconds of conversation I can with him. The glory of this is slightly dimmed by the fact that the Mean Girls (the almost populars) of the grade are staring at me across the room.

I'm sorry, I got off the point there. My message for this Valentine's day is, don't get fooled by the card companies. Take the time out to celebrate the luurve with your partner. Do all the little things you don't end up doing the rest of the year. And the singles, take the night off with your friends!

My First Post

Those words always have a certain special ring, don't they? Unless, of course, it's My First Divorce, My First Breakup or My First Barbie. The first time we do something always fills us with a kind of special joy, something we believe we will continue faithfully. Unfortunately "Of course I'll take care of the dog, Mum!" soon degenerates into "It's not my job!".

However, at the start of my blogging life I am quite sure I will continue. The reason I am starting a blog is my needing an outlet for my writings, and as I am pretty sure not too many people will choose this among the thousands of blogs there are, I am secure.

However, I still will keep my identity secret and those of you who are reading this can only call me Anya. It's a name I've always wanted. I am 15 and a student. I am an aspiring writer and this blog is practice.

I'm hoping this experience is cathartic!