No clever title

Just another of those notes to myself to look back on in case I want to know about memories that will fade in the future. This is already starting to feel like a figment of my imagination and the details are incredibly vague - perhaps because I was sleep-deprived, had barely eaten, and had had a fair amount to drink (though I didn't feel drunk).

He was in my part of the world for break, and the timing coincided such that he was able to come up for a couple of days and be in town to visit all his friends. I was supposed to arrive Sunday night, but incredibly inefficient airlines and airports and adverse weather conditions meant I only arrived Monday night. This is the excuse I give myself to pretend the universe doesn't dislike me/ isn't working against us spending time together (but really, it's arrogant to pretend the universe cares enough about any individual).

I told him to save that evening for me, and he said he was 'all mine', endearingly enough. I can't pretend I hadn't thought about it (anticipated it/ run over every way the meeting might go/ convinced myself I was being foolish yet wildly imagining anyway/ asked friends and received unmixed disapproval). I knew, despite the disapproval of others, that I wanted to hook up, but I wasn't sure if it would/ could happen.

Once I reached home, railing internally all the way about every circumstance delaying our meeting and incredibly tense during the taxi ride, he was obviously at least half an hour late. I had somewhat anticipated it and it gave me time to shower, but I was still a little disappointed.

Naturally, the moment I got in the shower, he arrived. I had instructed my roommates to let him in, and I took the quickest shower in the world while they made conversation and he talked in his usual muted tones.

The instant I saw him I felt this moment of incredible internal panic where I had no idea what to say or do because I knew my roommates (and one of their friends) were watching so I approached overly casually and didn't say very much and was somewhat awkward. Mostly wordlessly, I tugged him towards my room, where I continued to flutter around adjusting little things but somehow unable to actually move things and fix some of the mess I had made post-getting home (suitcase on the floor, clutter everywhere). He didn't think it was messy so there is that.

(Non-existent readers, avert your eyes if young and/ or not enthusiastic about prying into the intimate details of the lives of others).

Suddenly I realized I still hadn't greeted him properly and halted and sped into his arms as he continued to stand somewhat awkwardly in the doorway. We hugged for a few seconds, and I was about to let go when I realized he was still holding on. I can't remember if I ended it or held on, but it was somewhat of a lingering hug and at that moment I knew.

No matter what I said or tried to tell myself, we would be hooking up that night. It felt inevitable.

We ate the dinner I had ordered, making a little conversation along the way. Perhaps I was imagining this, but there was this tension in the room. (I have since been informed it was sexual tension). It felt like everything we were doing was pointless. Since we talked so much, I wasn't sure if there was really much to say. He told me little stories about his time abroad, and I remember he said a few things about being [his nationality] in [the country he was in] that were so characteristic that I genuinely grinned and my heart stretched a little. I also watched him observe the sparse photos/ memorabilia I had put up around the room and watched his expression as he did so, wondering what he was thinking.

I just picked at my food, eventually putting it away and retreating from the floor to the armchair, where I sat sipping wine. Both my roommates and him were worried that I would spill the wine on the floor, and it was eventually transferred to his cup (instead of my big glass), which we shared. I continually felt the need to get up (and away from him) and adjust little things around the room, while really changing nothing at all or clearing up the mess.

Once he was done, I suggested watching a movie (as my roommates were doing in the living room). We spent a long time selecting which one in the hope that it would be one that both or neither of us had seen, and eventually ended up abandoning the first one because we'd both already seen it and I wasn't really in the mood and starting another one. I was pretty buzzed, but also sobered up pretty quickly.

We watched the movie sitting by each other on my bed, and after relatively little hesitation I reached out and grabbed his hand as it lay on his lap. I froze the moment after, and blurted out far less coherently the little speech I had in my head about how I continued to not want this to mean more than the moment (entirely true - I have no desire for a long-distance relationship). I also mentioned that I didn't like him in the same way any more, though I still liked him as a person and enjoyed the hooking up and thought he was hot, before stopping in mortification as he laughed. This wasn't entirely true, I do still feel for him as somewhat more than a friend. But it is different from when I visited. I can't really put my feelings for him in words.

Sensing I still had more to say, he urged me to continue. I had come up with three ways of saying the next thing, each more casual and less embarrassing than the other. Of course I chose the worst one, explaining how he had hurt me by not liking me as much as I liked him. I did clarify that it wasn't his fault and that there was nothing he could have done about it.

I also clarified that anything we'd already done would be fine, so he didn't have to ask me again if it was okay, though I appreciated when he did. He responded that he 'tried' to be respectful. It was comfortable and then that was that.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I chatted during the movie. We still paid attention, but I wasn't really able to follow much of the plot anyway because my attention simply wasn't on it.

At some point my roommate came in to get her things so that she could sleep on the couch and get ready for bed, which is when I remembered the perfect birthday/ Christmas present I had bought him. I brought it out, apologizing for the unwrapped state, and explained my thought process behind buying it as he looked it. Giving a gift is one of my favourite sensations, especially when I've done it right, as I had this time.

He was actually thrilled, saying my name in a half-reproaching tone that made me twist up internally in happiness, and hugging me in a way that indicated his extreme happiness. He is normally quite contained, so his show of emotion meant a true reaction. He left his arm around me, to my internal joy. He even kissed me soundly as my roommate brushed her teeth just in the enclosed bathroom, and I wriggled away in worry, exclaiming that she was "right there". His response was "I don't care" as he pulled me in again, again filling me with secret happiness. (Later he informed me his family loved the book as well).

Once she (finally, it felt like) left, we quickly transitioned into snogging enthusiastically, but stopped for some reason. I think at some point I told him he always smelled really good, to which his embarrassed response was that I was "full of it". I wasn't offended, but I did feel the need to later clarify that I meant that completely sincerely, to which his clarification was that it was a "term of endearment".

I think I also tried to resume a running debate on Breaking Bad [an American TV show] and our feelings about Skyler - something I had wanted to do in person since I felt passionately about the topic and we had debated it in the past. However, he was (understandably) unenthusiastic, and was just like "Really? you want to talk about this now? No." I was also quickly distracted from the topic, realizing there were other things we could be doing.

I then asked what he wanted to do, and he followed with his usual response - "whatever you want to do", but I was insistent on making him decide. I knew I was teasing him at this point, but it brought me much amusement to watch him struggle to find the words. I suggested cards, talking, and resuming the movie, to which he offered somewhat non-committal responses.

Perhaps he was also messing with me, but we somehow ended up watching the movie again. After trying to focus for a couple of minutes, I quickly nixed that idea. I am slightly unclear about the sequence of events here (I remember being able to think very clearly but I think I was more tipsy that I thought), but I somehow ended up on his lap and we were once again making out.

After asking again what he wanted to do, he suggested that he could take off his shirt, and I could take off my shirt, and we could see where things went. I spent a long time trying to describe the tone in which he said this and could come up with nothing satisfactory - it was a mixture between brazenness, flirting, and shyness. I acquiesced enthusiastically and we quickly carried on along that path.

I was on top of him at some point soon after, and my hair kept falling into his face and in our way. I suggested half-jokingly that this might be a problem, and he tried to hold it back but soon gave up and suggested a hair tie. I scrambled away to find one, but the moment I returned he decided he didn't approve of the scrunchie I had selected and slid it off, saying he liked my hair better down. It sounds slightly directive, but I enjoyed it.

A short while later, I also decided it would be a great idea to check out the roof of my building, which I had recently discovered. Bear in mind that it was incredibly cold outside, and he was supremely unenthusiastic about the idea. He reminded me that it would be cold and not romantic, and I responded indignantly that it was meant to be a cool view, not romantic. I nudged him along, and we quickly put on our layers and made it upstairs.

The view was pretty great, but not as pretty as I remembered. We didn't spend much time up there, merely taking a quick glimpse before turning back. We spent more time in front of the door to go back in, because he saw a light (which might have been a guard) that reminded him of being nearly caught on the fourth floor of our student centre. I was also determined to kiss on the roof, and pulled him down to my height, and we did that for a short while before heading back to my room.

There was a little bit of a running line about us staying up all night - he said he would be fine with it and I jokingly agreed but was a little bit exhausted and not really serious. I was more a little surprised that he seemed enthusiastic about the idea, given his normal love for sleep.

I think while he was trying to take off my bra - something I laughingly insisted he do, and didn't actually take that long - I said something about it being hard. He responded in confusion and then explained that he thought I had said he was so hard. Upon reflecting for a second, I said "weeeelll", this wasn't too far from the truth. He was thoroughly sheepish in the best kind of way, and said that I was "mortifying" in a half-embarrassed, half-affectionate tone that delighted me.

He decided soonish that he wanted to get up and brush the red wine taste out of his mouth, and I was unenthusiastic about any idea that would take him away for me. He got up and grabbed his brush when I called him back in a somewhat urgent tone, and pulled him down to the bed where I sat to resume kissing him enthusiastically.

He remained standing over the bed for some minutes, insisting that he needed to go just for a couple of seconds, with me pretending to agree, and continuing anyway. In some corner of my mind I was hoping that he would pick me up, but this didn't happen and eventually he did get to brush his teeth and come back. (I also did at some later point in case future me is worrying about this. I said something about how if he was worried about red wine breath then I would have to get up and brush too, but he responded that my breath 'always smelled great', which was unexpected and enjoyable).

We moved pretty quickly from that point. The focus was more on me, which I allowed because I was tired. The tiredness and wine also contributed to my feeling slightly out of it, because at moments in between, I would find myself spacing out a little bit and wondering why I wasn't as into it as in the past. I'd quickly pull myself back into focusing on the moment and making the appropriate sounds, which wasn't hard.

Some of the things we did we'd already done before, with my hands on all of him and his mouth on my upper body. However, some of the stuff was uncharted territory, and he paused and asked before moving his hands from my butt to...other places. I was, frankly, a little bit terrified - this felt a lot more vulnerable than I had been, but it wasn't him that I was terrified of, so I said okay. There was also going to be hair in places, and I wasn't sure how he would feel about that but I just agreed.

Was a little afraid that I would have to pretend to be enjoying it when I wasn't, but I felt rushes of actual pleasure that made me have to only react a little more enthusiastically than I normally would, and I found myself bucking my waist. I did explain that I was trying to stay silent for my roommates, and channelled this energy into my hands, later appearing to worry that I had scratched his back (but I hadn't). He was clearly inexperienced, which made me more comfortable, and also made him a little rough at times. I did say "slower" once or twice, but mostly I just distracted him by returning the favour with my hands since I wanted to be diplomatic.

Neither of us actually completed, though he might have thought I did since he went a little faster and I gave a reaction that might have been interpreted as equivalent/ close. I did feel quite guilty about not returning the favour with my mouth or finishing him off with my hands, but I figured we might get the next night to give us that chance.

After this, we paused for a while as I got my breath - I needed it despite not even completing since I felt like I was coming close. I was pretty exhausted and thought we would be sleeping since we were mostly cuddling and he usually got tired before I did. However, he soon began kissing me again, and we resumed our previous activities, with a little more focus on him. Soon, though, we moved to just cuddling and passing out around 3:30 am.

I woke with a start at 5 am to find myself wide-awake. This was a problem I'd experienced over the winter holidays, but hadn't occurred for a little while. I tossed and turned for a while, worrying myself about my inability to sleep. When he (inevitably) woke up, I was thoroughly frustrated and continued to turn. I told him to turn around and away from me so that he could at least sleep. He merely sleepily pulled me closer and kissed my face a couple of times, but I was still unable to settle down and kept moving around.

Part of me wanted him to wake up and talk, and part of me also wanted to not disturb him and lie still so he could at least sleep. Fortunately the latter part won and I drifted off into sleep soon after, with him wrapped warm and close around me. In the morning when he asked if I'd managed to get some sleep, I was able to respond in the affirmative.

We woke around 10, and made lazy conversation for a while, while cuddling. I asked some questions about his favourite and least favourite memories while abroad, and he apologized for not having/ asking me questions, which I laughed off, explaining that I didn't ask him questions so he could ask me some.

I made sure we were totally covered up by the sheets before my roommate came in to get some things (I was wearing his shirt once again, but only located my shorts later, under the bed by the wall). I offered him a shower, the meagre food I had (hadn't gone grocery shopping yet), or more sleep, but he turned all of these down. Apparently he couldn't sleep any more. I was hoping to have the day with him, but wasn't too disappointed when he revealed almost an hour later that he had to meet friends for brunch. He asked if it was okay, and I was amused that he thought he had to ask and said 'of course!'.

I was less pleased when he revealed he had plans for the rest of the day, and asked if he wasn't coming back at all. He replied that he planned to be back in the night, and began getting dressed. He looked around for his shirt for a while before realizing where it was and returning to bed to kiss me and begin taking it off in the manner I most enjoyed. For reasons unknown, I stopped him in order to get another shirt and just switch them myself with my back mostly to him.

He tried to say goodbye as I lay in bed, but I insisted I would come to the door and say goodbye, as I then did. We kissed goodbye, and he left, insisting he would be back at some point before he left town entirely.

I wasn't entirely convinced about his promise to be back the next night, because I knew him and his tendency to be late to places. He was downtown with his brother all day, and said he 'planned to be back' and would 'try his best', but I wasn't convinced. I think he knew I wasn't particularly happy about this, because he explained that he felt that he was missing a key stage in his brother's life as he started college, and he wanted to be there while he could. I mean, I understood that, I just wished he could come back.

As predicted, he didn't come back. Worse, he didn't text me all night until around midnight, when he said he didn't think he could come back. Friends have explained this by saying that he probably really wanted to come back until he realized he couldn't, but this didn't mean it wasn't inconsiderate. I was annoyed and he knew it, but a brief apology from him the next day during the movie was enough for me.

So yes, he came by the next day (obviously far later than he was supposed to). I was kind of sick, and only when I saw him sniffling did I realize why this had happened. I didn't quite know when he'd be around till, and for some reason I didn't ask beyond his statement of 'a few hours'. He was giving me back the DVD for the film, but I figured we could just watch the rest.

We did, with him grinning every time I jumped or squirmed or squeezed his hand during particularly suspenseful moments. Once in a while he would half-stroke my hand with his thumb, which reminded me of X. I somewhat just wanted to cuddle with his arm around me, but I couldn't think of a place to put the computer if we were to do that, so I didn't attempt it.

After the movie was done, there was a somewhat awkward silence. There was tension in the air again, but I wanted to talk, so we made light conversation. Can't really remember what it was about. Half an hour or so later, he announced that he had to leave.

Completely taken aback, the only thing I could think to say was "now?!". I felt cheated and that we had been wasting time watching while we could have spent it doing far more productive things - frankly, making out. I would have liked to talk and have infinitely more time and go on all kinds of adventures, but what I really missed doing was hooking up. Apparently he had said he was free for 'two hours' not a few, like I thought.

He got his things together as I sat somewhat blind-sided on the bed, pausing to ask if I was okay. I gathered myself together a little from the looming feeling of being robbed/ sadness, and replied brightly that I was fine. He had been making little conversation about the correct way to fold charger cords (things like this are why I love him) while I just stared at him from the bed.

I waited as he continued to get ready, mostly to see what he would do. He put on all his outdoor gear, then looked at me and asked if I was coming to the door. "Of course," I said, and followed him out of the room, pausing for a few seconds after him to take some deep breaths before I said goodbye and then thinking I was being overdramatic.

At the door, I watched him put on his shoes, waiting to see how he would say goodbye. After he did, we hugged and he kissed my forehead before I gave some kind of exasperated sigh and pulled him down for a proper kiss.

Naturally, this translated into us making out in the doorway, while waiting for the lift, and as he stood in the lift at the door. I should mention that he's so tall that every time we kiss while standing, I have to be on my tiptoes. I pointed this out, and he suggested/ tried bending down further, but I didn't mind because it was less awkward my way. I stood on my toes and considered standing on his shoes, but eventually decided it would be too much weight and just put one foot lightly on one of his shoes (this thought process was lightning-fast as we kissed).

The lift doors were finally allowed to close, and I went back into my apartment, shut the door, went to the couch, and curled up clutching a pillow and let myself cry a little. I'm not usually the type of person who cries or shows such emotion at the appropriate time, but there were real tears.

Felt sad and alone for a while, but distracted myself with the computer. Fortunately, my roommates came home soon and then everything (actually) felt fine. I was a little surprised by this, but my sadness didn't last long at all.

There wasn't the same urge to text him or talk to him or be near him - this is what being over him felt like. It would be complicated and oversimplified to try and describe my feelings for him in any clear way. I know I still care about him and love him as a friend, and I believe the giddy feelings of first puppy love (I was never 'in love' with him) are almost entirely gone now.

Basically, a lot of my behaviour is in the same vein, and I'm recognizing that I can be over him without completely thinking about him like any other friend. It is fun. This bit of school looks to be good.