Second honeymoon

I am reflecting now what a weird title this is. I can't think of any other way to describe this.

The last post was pretty Zen, which wasn't a bad description of how I was feeling.

I talked to him about two days after that, and he seemed very eager to talk and full of questions about my life. I decided to relent a little and not hold on to anger about his not contacting me sooner (he was indeed apparently confused and trying to give me space).

I explained everything that had been on my mind - as I already detailed in the last post - most of which he already knew, since I'm good at sending detailed emails/ instant messages about my feelings. He seemed to think I had been pretty clear.

He didn't really have much to add, having already agreed earlier that he should have told me and that he was sorry about that. He thought I had a right to know about these things, and merely tried to explain his point-of-view further. I know that when he feels awkward about things, he tries to avoid talking about them, which he explained was what he did in this case, not realizing how short-sighted that was.

I agreed that I understood that, but that I believed he needed to try and talk about things that bothered him in general, and especially 'ex' situations. He said he was always going to be reluctant to talk about certain things, but that he'd been trying over the last couple of years.

Basically it was a general meeting each other halfway situation, though in this case specifically I still believe he was in the wrong.

We then moved on to talking about the weekend itself, which he seemed rather reluctant to dive into, since it seemed like it had not gone well. This instantly inspired a reaction within me of being annoyed about him not understanding what I meant about not wanting to have to ask questions about these types of things. However, I decided to let it go temporarily and see how he felt talking about it.

It turns out that this girl arrived, and thought it meant they were dating. In some ways, I can see how this might have come about with his friendly manner, and the way he just tends to avoid uncomfortable conversations. He said he tried to make it really clear to her before she arrived without actually assuming anything about her visit (which I could see many of my other friends doing also), and that they had hardly talked. I have no reason to distrust him, and don't.

What I did clarify was that I thought he hadn't made it clear enough to her, if he wanted to avoid awkwardness. However, he clearly felt remorseful enough about this, and this wasn't what had made me upset in the first place, so I didn't pursue this line too much.

Once she began referring to them as 'us', he talked to her and let her know that they weren't together and that he was seeing someone (me!), and what had happened between them, and why they weren't together. Sounds supremely awkward and uncomfortable on both ends, and I felt quite bad for her. Not too bad, though.

Apparently, she didn't want to let this conversation go, and kept coming up with new points to try and convince him through the course of the weekend. So there's that.

He seemed to think I would be upset as he was telling me about this (since I mentioned it didn't make me feel good to have to have to ask these types of questions about the details of what happened), and apologized for that and explained that he felt as bad/ worse just talking about it. It didn't make me upset to hear about it, in fact I felt a little vindicated (schadenfreude?).

We ended the conversation with me stating that I would hope that nothing like this would occur in the future, and that he should be honest with me if they do. Like I mentioned, I like saying things.

Since then, things have been pretty great with us. We've been having some great conversations, have managed to Skype, and I feel in touch with him and what's going on in his life. I'm trying not to question him too much about things I know he's worrying about, like figuring out his plans for the summer. Things just seem great, and I feel pretty crazy about him.

I worry a little that I might be too into him, and that this might end up hurting me in the future. But (as some helpful friends said), I think that I'm strong enough to be able to deal with whatever comes up. And there's no point in worrying about it now. And I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

What I think I need to remind him of is that I will never ask him about these kinds of things again, so he should know that if he wants us to be open and trusting with each other, he should talk to me if there's any developments with any of his exes. Obviously I don't need to know all the details all the time, but especially if something changes, and (even more importantly) if there's something he's thinking about in a happy (glad they can be friends)/ sad/ awkward/ weird kind of way, then that's the kind of stuff I would expect him to share with me. And not expect me to ask about, as I will probably not be doing so in the future but would still expect to know.

Most of this is obvious, so maybe it will be a more gentle reminder.

Only about three more weeks till I see him!

No such thing as peace

I will say this (which I had disavowed earlier) - having a 'boyfriend' of sorts certainly has taught me a lot about myself. Not necessarily good things, but definitely things that I can at least improve on.

An important thing is that I'm not very good with being direct about communication - especially when I feel as though I'm being illogical about something. I prefer to try and conceal, though my feelings show through to those who know me well, and ends up emerging as passive-aggressiveness. I'm attempting to remedy this by being as open and clear about my feelings as possible, and bringing up things that annoy me directly.

So far, this hasn't been anything major (at least in my mind). Most of our 'conflicts' have been more inside my head, and more to do with the larger issue that I question whether he believes that I am important to him.

As mentioned, he's not particularly big on talking about his feelings (especially those pertaining to me), and I don't always note the ways he demonstrates them. I also get the sense that he's not sharing enough about his life or concerns with me, and feel like this 'nosy stranger' who simply questions him and with whom he doesn't necessarily share things.

I often push him to tell me more, or about these issues, which lead to our conflict when I visited him, and some little annoyances mostly on my end since. I've always felt as though I was pretty right about this - since intimacy is built by sharing these things, and it makes me feel better to tell him things.

However, I was recently reading some materials for a class, and came upon some incredibly interesting and applicable ideas. I wouldn't be too dramatic to characterize them as a revelation, and something that I want to use to act on in all my relationships (romantic and otherwise).

The first was as follows - the idea of intimacy has turned into something that is solely based upon talking and sharing 'everything' and depending on another person. However, this is pretty unhealthy and is not necessarily what couples and therapists should be pushing for. People who do exhibit low 'differentiation' tend to exhibit such tendencies, where they depend a lot on the reactions/ opinions of those close to them and can't deal with their disapproval.

This is a barrier to true intimacy, since you're always pushing/ pressuring others (especially those reluctant to do so) to share with you or expecting them to react the way you want them to. This places a lot of pressure on them (and also power in their hands), and means that they might feel afraid of disappointing or resentful.

What I have to work on is soothing my own anxiety instead of depending on other people to do it for me. When I tell people things, it will be because I love them and want to tell them about things important to me - not because I want them to make me feel better or to tell me things or to respond a certain way. I do love them and want to tell them important things, but I think currently it involves a little too much of the latter set of feelings.

It doesn't mean that I have to change my opinions about things - what's important to me (aka him being open about his life) can still be important to me. However, what will change is me pushing him about it. He will know that I like him to share things, but that it's not necessary - although good for us to grow closer to each other. And I will work on gaining appreciation of other types of non-verbal intimacy and the fact that he still cares about me and is a wonderful person.

Basically, the only thing I can really control is my reaction to situations. And that's the only thing I should be trying to control. Not him or anyone else. I shouldn't also be afraid of revealing parts of myself that I think other people won't like. Including vulnerabilities.

Since this realization, I've been really happy and feeling much calmer about everything - us included. This has yet to meet the litmus test of actually interacting with him (especially not from a distance), but I'm hoping it does, and trying to apply to friendships to strengthen it in the meantime.

Exercises about strengthening boundary control and not being so porous about letting other people in, as well as about calming down myself and trying to deal with things more by myself instead of immediately taking them to others. This doesn't mean others can't help me feel better, but just that I shouldn't expect them to. Since I lean towards overdependence, leaning heavily towards independence and self-reliance will probably just mean that I reach being normal about these things.

Sometimes my concern with pushing him about these things is that I'm stepping all over his feelings, or pushing him into things he's not comfortable with, or being selfish by not allowing him to tell me about his life/ asking about it. But I think it's okay for me to assume that he's mature enough to tell me about these things instead of me having to worry about it.

(Note: It's interesting how I just jump into conversations/ posts by just referring to him as 'he' and expecting others to instantly understand who I am talking about).

The reason this cropped up, is because he made a relatively serious mistake for the first time. The girl he hooked up with before he met me (referenced here) is visiting him from another continent, and he failed to mention this fact to me, even when discussing that she was visiting. He didn't hide it, but wasn't forthright. She's staying at his place, he's known about this for a couple of weeks, and she probably doesn't know I exist in some capacity.

Obviously this makes me angry and upset, tying into the larger issue that I feel as though I'm not important to him and he doesn't seem to care too much/ prioritize me. This is not necessarily untrue, but I don't think I should proceed with that assumption. And even if it is true, I won't regret not pushing him to tell me things. The only thing I can control is me, and even if things don't end up working out, I'll be happy with what I learned and how I reacted after the initial hurt and anger.

Look at me growing!

Getting better

Not being at home has left me with less time to think things over on my own, which is always good given my tendencies to overthink things. I like being back and meeting friends and the like. Not quite in the studying mentality, but thinking of this as the last time and attempting to get there.

We've been conversing normally. I thought that everything would feel the same as before, given that we're talking in the same manner, but it doesn't quite. In a good way. I feel like I can be more open with him, expect a little more from him in terms of communication, and also knowing that he cares just adds a layer of security and happiness that makes conversations all the more enjoyable.

The content of conversations is much the same, we're not more flirty or less sarcastic with each other (fortunately). We - mostly me - talk about relationship stuff more openly though, in terms of referencing attraction to each other and past encounters between us.

Short post for once. All seems to be well.