Failure and Success

So things have gotten better and worse, but mostly better!

I literally failed my Math midterm, which was a shock. I've never failed anything before, ever! So I wandered around in a blue funk for a few days (augmented by the fact that a friend promised to meet me for lunch and went without telling me). It's not like me to be sad, but even though I tried I couldn't really shake off the bad mood.

Nevertheless, it's not difficult to drop down a level in Math (which is what I will be doing) and I've had a very nice time with my friends today, so my mood is uphill again. Besides, although yesterday was a bad day it was still interspersed with moments of happiness, such as my extreme excitement when discussing 'Twelfth Night' in class.

I do have another midterm tomorrow, but it's not something to majorly worry about as I had a 90 minute review session with my friend, so I feel much more prepared.

I've discovered "cute" is a word often used to describe me. I'm not saying this to show off, just to try and analyze what exactly that signifies. I always feel awkward when I'm called cute, mostly because to be embarrassed about it would be to seem as though I'm acting "cute" but I'm honestly not trying to be that way. There was a phase, when I was like 13 when I would try to be called that, but now I'd prefer to be called hot or pretty or even nice. Cute's not an insult, it's just an awkward thing.

I'd say the two words I use most often in my blog are I (the most common by far) and awkward. Both are effective ways of describing me.

Another revelation of sorts that I had the other day: it's going to take some kind of miracle for me to be good friends with a guy that I'm interested in. Even though I want friendship to be the basis of attraction, I freeze up around most guys that I find even moderately attractive (in a non-platonic way) and am unable to be myself. Myself is not a bad way to be, but I find it difficult to be sometimes. Which might mean that it'd be extremely unlikely that a guy who wants more than casual, repetitive, somewhat rude conversation (what I tend to provide when nervous) to be attracted to me.

On a more pleasant note, Friends = BEST. SHOW. EVER.

No Wizard that there is or was, is gonna bring me down!

Despite the cheery title of the post, there's some angst-ish stuff to come. Avert your eyes, imaginary readers who've heard enough whining already. Even though I'm more than a teen, I'm still partly a teen, and the angst is part of the package.

So...college. I've made about three or four close friends (girls, obviously - I think I'm just more easy and relaxed with them), so it's not like everything is going badly. But there's still the distance, no matter what - we're not that close yet. And despite my dreams of coming to college and finding a boyfriend, there seems to be no likelihood of that happening yet.

It's not like we haven't been in college long enough, there's girls (and guys and couples) who are already in the throes of love. Or at least they're close, and a lot of love comes from friendship. I have no close friends who are guys. It's still better than it was at school: here I'm at least on a "waving/ smiling hi" basis at more guys, and am much more casual and friendly.

I went to a frat party (actually two) yesterday, and was hit on by like four guys. I don't mean to show off here (at least not completely) so I will explain that I mean that it's not like I couldn't hook up or make out if I wanted to. Clearly, though, these guys aren't interested in my personality. One somewhat friend from my floor asked if I wanted to dance, and I made sure to clarify "as friends" before awkwardly dancing in front of him before moving away in like two minutes. I still cringe when I think of the memory, but at least I know there's potential.

Anyway, the friends situation is going okay. People aren't really replying to my texts, or being especially proactive in inviting me out (apart from those close friends), which can be a bit lonely.

Also, I'm getting a bit worried about my constant procrastination at work. I literally wasted my time from 12 noon today, to 1 am at night. Wtf?! And I have a math midterm tomorrow. Maybe I need the shock?

College Girl

I know, I know, if you've been reading the blog consistently (that makes one of you), you'll know that I don't seem like the most mature person. I've never outright admitted this to anyone, but I'm guessing my friends know the truth - the close ones anyway.

I've:
- Never been kissed (and I'm a mostly normal, not hideously unattractive teenage girl)
- Never been on a date
- Never had a boyfriend (kind of follows, doesn't it)
- Never had a really close guy friend (possibly why all of the above, I don't count X as one)
- Never had anyone of the opposite gender tell me they think I'm cute/ pretty/ hot
- Never been hit on (by cute, non-stoned guys)

I lead a nun's life, honestly. You can see why one might wonder what's so hideously wrong with me. Why there can't be one guy who finds me even somewhat attractive? I wouldn't blame you readers for thinking that I'm some kind of grotesque monster, or have a massive personality disorder. And I'm not going to try and convince you I don't (honestly, if you've read this blog, you might already think I have some issues).

But I think the real problem is that I haven't had much contact with guys. All groups of friends I've had have been all-girls. Even if the girls had boyfriends or good male friends, they didn't really come sit with us at lunch/ talk to all of us. I was never close to their friends. And now I think I'm just a little awkward and uncomfortable around guys. It's not obvious, I don't flee in terror when I see one. It's more like I don't make the extra effort to be friends. So although now I wave and smile at a lot of guys in my dorm, I haven't a good friend yet.

The one guy who hangs out with our group (can I call it our group? more later) is annoying. Well, I find him to be so. Beggars can be choosers (assuming he's even interested) and he is a try-hard who didn't party much in high school and is clearly desperate to make over his reputation here. Plus, he's chubby and has curly hair. But I don't even find him cuddly (as I might, as a friend, if he had a nice personality). He's just a douche. You can think whatever you want - aka I'm being picky, or that I'm just a bee-yotch - but I reserve the right to my opinion. Besides, you don't even know him (unless you're Future Me, hi there!).

In terms of friends, and the otherwise college experience, it's been okay. I'm not the youngest here (although I'm one of the younger ones) so it's not like I'm less mature than anyone or I majorly don't fit in. I've had some genuinely nice experiences - playing Rock Band in the lounge, sitting and studying together in my room, a sweetheart of a roommate, a football game etc. - yet it doesn't all add up to the BEST TIME EVER, like people seem to make it out to be.

I'm sure it'll get better, I haven't had a terrible time making friends, and all the people are nice. It's transferring acquaintances to close friends that takes time. And it seems like the party kids are able to do it easily - but I'm not one of them, and I'm not going to try too hard to be one. I don't mind going to a party, but getting wasted and hooking up is not my idea of a good time. I can't wait for when I make close close friends. I've made friends, but not really close ones. That'll come though, and I'm looking forward to when it does!

Keeping in touch with those back home/ also in college hasn't been too hard. I manage to be on Skype at the right times, and call/text enough. While it hasn't been the easiest thing ever, it's not like we're drifting apart completely. Family has also been nice. I actually enjoy having a little space, and while I miss all the cuddling and good times, I haven't been crying into my pillow.

It might seem odd that after all this, I haven't really talked about the work aspect of college. I mean, I met this guy (ACQUAINTANCE, people) who told me "I'm not too worried about settling in, that's not what I'm here for." I think he underestimates what being friendless in college will be like. Anyway, apart from Math - which is a little different and is going to need some extra effort - it hasn't been too bad. Work has been manageable. It's easy to get stressed (even without any logical reason), but I'm not panicking too much. I guess it's okay?

If anyone reads this blog and really wants to know what college/ university I go to, feel free to ask. Depending upon your depth of knowledge about the blog (also, the complete lack of likelihood that anyone will ever ask), I might actually tell you. Of course, you still won't know my name or any other part of my identity, but it's better than nothing....