Fun fun fun fun (looking forward to the weekend)

Warning: the following post contains a detailed account of possible alcohol-fueled escapades. Nothing too dramatic - it is me we're talking about after all - but moderately embarrassing awkward moments. I never drink till I throw up, but I do become more talkative and clumsy and giggly than usual.

Firstly, I got tipsy both Friday and Saturday night. Friday night I wasn't so bad, because I drank mixed drinks slowly and having eaten before, and thus despite consuming more alcohol (the equivalent of about 5-6 standard drinks) than I did on Saturday night, I was mostly sober. I did go and hang out in S's room, where a bunch of guys usually hang out, and managed to listen to 'guy talk'.

Saturday night, on the other hand, I was drunker despite having drunk only the equivalent of 3 standard drinks. I suppose low tolerance is a good thing. Basically I was stumbling a decent amount, giggling a lot, feeling a little dizzy, and realizing I was saying a little more than I intended to but not much more. My friend made me some food, and I was in our common room where S was also present. I leaned on him a decent amount through the night, although I did warn him that it was because I was dizzy and that he could go whenever he needed to. Nevertheless, he stayed for a decent amount of time, which made me happy despite having little significance apart from being a good friend.

Sunday, I had decided to not Facebook chat G until he initiated the conversations, which he actually did - asking me to dinner. Sure, he lives on the other side of campus and was on my side and it was just in the dining hall, but I couldn't help having a little bit of hope. Dinner was actually pretty relaxed, and he got me to talk about myself, which I don't normally do as much. Even more luckily, most of our floor (who normally eats together on weekends) was actually away for various reasons so I didn't have them there in the dining hall watching me.

Since then, it's been mostly the same with both of them. I start slightly more conversations with G than he does, but we have nice chats. The other day, he randomly tried to convince me he was drunk while I was chatting with him (despite not being) and I was extremely confused because my friend who also knows him (but not that I'm interested) was telling me he was not drunk and I trust her, but he was doing his best to convince me and I believed him. And when I asked him about it the next day, he was just like "Gotta go". I got tipsy last night too and used S as support, leading this one guy on our floor to make crude innuendos, but neither of us paid much attention. And I forced S to go to bed because he had to wake up early in the morning, insisting I would be fine, which I'm happy about because I don't want to be over-dependent on him either.

You might be wondering how my feelings for the two of them relate. The short answer is that I have no idea. I know that I'm interested in both of them, probably more in S than G, but I'm just seeing how things go and trying to focus more on G. I had this strange reluctance about telling S about G, despite him normally sharing all his stories with me. I think there was some part of me that didn't want him to know I was interested in other guys, but there's no point to that anyway since I know clearly that he's interested in other girls. Anyway, he kind of knows now, but also that it's not really a big deal. And that's how it'll stay hopefully?

Drama Llama

It's funny how the titles of most of my posts are basically the oddest things ever. Usually it's because I have something rather urgent to say and can't think of a title strong enough to express it or don't want to waste time doing so, so I just go with whatever is on my mind or quote the song I'm singing, and make it rhyme/ sound slightly witty. I have got distracted again, so let me go back to what I planned to talk about.

So, I'm not sure where to start. I've been in a pretty blah mood the last few days, partly exacerbated by the fact that I want S to notice and be concerned about me. Please feel free to comment (non-existent readers) about my twisted motives and unstable mental health. It's been brought on by a lot of things though - guy issues (more on that later), not getting the internship I wanted over the summer, wanting to stay in college over the summer but not being able to, growing apart from a friend back home who is making no effort to keep in touch, feeling like I haven't done the best work I could be doing in class etc. Even not being able to move past this bad mood is bumming me out as I've always prided myself on being a positive person but every time I try to move past it I want S to notice and discuss it with me so I'm kind of stagnant. Nevertheless, I've given myself two more days when I can be sad, and then I stop being sad and start being awesome instead.

But of course with me it's mostly the guy issues that get to me because I have no sense of appropriate priorities. Remember my 'friend' S? And how I said that the fact that the girl he was not too seriously interested in made it easy for me to kind of hope? Well, we bonded a good amount in the last few months and he ended up somewhat accidentally revealing to me that he was having moderately serious feelings for one of our mutual friends who is one of my closest friends. I of course made sure to be neutral about my feelings, and gave him good advice, and continued to encourage him to talk about and deal with his feelings. I probably reacted perfectly, albeit a little less enthusiastically about them possibly getting together than I would have been if it hadn't been for my feelings. I did a good job, but it's getting to me a little more now than it did at first, and my bad mood is partially influenced by that and the fact that I feel like he comes to me with his problems but doesn't ask so much about mine. Which might be why I feel the need to be moody and get him to notice.

And I actually have another guy in my life who I think I might also kind of like. I don't know whether I'm mixing up my feelings for S with him because they resemble each other in terms of personality, but I think I at least like him a little just for himself. That makes me overanalyze the situation and become more awkward with him than I should be. He is also in the same year of uni as I am, and I met him at a conference. He goes to my school and I had mutual friends with him, and we bonded during the conference. Facebook chatting afterward (mostly initiated by me) helped us know each other a little better. Then in a fit of angst like those I sometimes have, I told him casually that I didn't want to feel like I was disturbing his work and that he should tell me next time he was free so that we could talk. I'm actually pretty proud of that move, I put the ball in his court. What happened after that, you shall read about in my next post.

A positive point is that I'm definitely over X. I know this might cause a sense of deja vu, because I've definitely said this before. But this time is different, because I've actually talked and interacted with him after thinking I was over him, and haven't felt the same frantic over analyzing that I have before. It might be because the thing with S (and maybe G) is more serious than the mild flirtations I had in the four years of X, but I'm just happy I'm able to move on to more things that make me neurotic. :\

A lot of this is me just getting my teenage angst out of the way before I get out of my teens. Or maybe it's just hormones. Either way, I think I'll be over it soon.