Feelings are weird

I drafted the title of this post a long time ago - trying to find an outlet and feeling as though I hadn't written in a while. Not that I have that much to say, life goes on much the same as usual. Classes are actually great (partly because of how easy they are), meetings with friends are happening, and I'm just feeling far more engaged and rooted here. I feel happy almost all of the time, helping me return to the person I feel I've always been, but hasn't always come out recently.

Still, there isn't complete clarity in my head. And I'm a little bit afraid I'm merely heading for some sort of big crash. Which I will probably write about here. So we'll see.

Turns out that somehow, fate is working for me for once. So I get done with exams early and get two weeks off for spring break. I'll be going home because my parents want to see me, since they don't know if I'll be home over the summer depending on whatever job I get next year (still up in the air). Somehow, he has one free weekend and we found cheap flights, so he'll be coming to meet me...and my family. On the way back, I'll be heading back with him and spending about four days there. Making this the longest consecutive period of time we've spent together.

I still expect something to go wrong (which perhaps says something about the kind of person I am), because almost every time in the past, delayed or cancelled flights or some life circumstances have somehow gotten in the way. So only once I'm actually in the moment will I be totally carefree about it. And even then I'll probably be worrying about awkwardness...sigh.

I'm really very excited. So much so that I can't stop talking about it - to a professor during a meeting that developed into a conversation, to friends from an organization I'm part of, and to closer friends and flatmates all the time. I've been trying to cut down talking about him, but much like my other goals involving reducing contact with him, this hasn't occupied much of my mental effort and has thus been largely unsuccessful.

The excitement that I feel scares me. Partly because I'm having an amazing time here at this point, and I don't want to rush through the end of this term or sacrifice my grades in order to get to this. I'm trying to force myself to not plan this or visualize this or have any expectations, as my mother warned. As ever, it is harder to actually do this.

My feelings for him are far too complex for me to be able to explain in a few words. I care about him deeply, and just assume him to be part of my life in some way. I see him as distinctly 'away' and find it hard to imagine him as part of my life here, but still wish he was here at certain moments. I don't know if I feel strictly romantic feelings towards him, but I definitely think about kissing him. He definitely has the capacity to irritate me more than most other people, and I'm also far more likely to tell him when he is doing this. I find myself prioritizing him more than I did in January, which I don't see as a good sign.

Friends have suggested various things - from the equivalent to lingering feelings for an ex after a breakup, to this being frustration about not being able to talk to him, to the idea of simply not having to actually verbalize my feelings.

If he was here, I don't think I'd want to jump into a relationship with him. I like the idea of spending more time with him, and doing all these things I want to do with him (go places, watch movies, spend time with my friends). There are a few reservations I have - his fears about relationships, what he's actually done that he thinks makes him terrible at relationships, his feelings about close female friends (this wouldn't normally bother me, but he's said some things about how he's thought about dating all of them at some point). I'm also assuming he'd actually be interested in this, which is doubtable.

This isn't even necessarily an option - I have no clarity on my future at this point, and I don't think he does either. We may not be in the same place. We may not want to.

It seems somewhat obvious to me at this point that I need to talk to him. In person. My friend suggest I fear this conversation because I have expectations about what we are, which is why I'm postponing it. Honestly, I'm doing it because I'm terrified of this conversation and I want to be able to see 100% of each other's reactions. I need him to be able to hug me, mostly.

My plan is to do something that we haven't really done before. Normally I spend so much time trying to figure out what my feelings are that I just tell him, and don't really give him as much scope to share. This time, I want to ask (in person) what his feelings are. Where he thinks we are, where we might be headed. All I really want to be told is that I'm more than just like the girl that he hooked up with in the spring. I'm not sure I can keep offering him this no strings hook-up. Though this was what I wanted, I think continuing in the future might just bring back feelings and hurt me terribly.

What would I do if this isn't what he says? I trust him to tell me the truth, and I agree that I should have this conversation as soon as possible. But I can't imagine that it won't cast a shadow over the rest of the trip. Most of my plans involve cuddling up next to him, and I haven't really thought beyond that.

Writing about this has made me more afraid, since it makes me realize that it is quite likely that he might not react the way I want him to. I really do have no plans for what I might say/ do if this is the case. Perhaps this is something worth discussing with friends.