Return

I have returned here - in the usual mix of hormones and boredom with which I usually begin posts. Tonight, I'm listening to jazz music and felt the itch to write. It's an urge that has struck me with less frequency in recent years but that dominated my earlier years.

To be honest, a mix of reading and PMS and jazz and rain outside produced a jumbled maelstrom of emotions in me. I'm hoping that writing will (as usual) enable me to organize and sort and simplify them in the way that allows me to deal with them.

On the surface of it, since the last time I've written, a number of large life changes have happened. Obviously I feel entirely the same. Perhaps this is why in the last month or so, a weird sense of idsplacement and inertia has been lurking on the corners of my consciousness. I've spent many minutes staring at this screen trying to find a way to describe these feelings without overdramatizing them or even just trying to find the words and yet it continues to seem impossible. Not completely understanding the way I've been feeling or the whys and hows of it is probably a contributor to the problem.

Depression is a word that has occurred to me at times, and though I have once in a while felt the urge that nothing quite matters and 'whelming' anhedonia, I fail to match any of the real symptoms and thus do not deign to use it. The sense of rootlessness that being away from home, most friends, a school, full-time work or any other such structure is probably the real cause/ feeling. But there's no easy way to deal with that.

I graduated. That, ostensibly, is the biggest change with or in me. It occurred without any real sense of feeling or ceremony or preparedness, but was bookended by pleasant times with family and memories with friends where we did new things in the same old ways.

Summer was mostly rootless, though it began with lots of fun. Much TV and movies were watched, some time was spent with the closest friends on holiday. At first there was much cheeriness about time off and brain breaks and hope, and at some indiscernible point this shifted into loneliness and boredom and whatever this current feeling is.

Now it feels odd to believe that my time in college is done. There's a weird distance looking at students going about their normal lives, with me somehow feeling left behind, not having begin my 'real' job yet either.

As for F, that's a topic I'll begin dealing with in another post.