To the guy I like

Dear X,

What happened? We used to be good friends, and I had the hugest crush on you and we met everyday. We grew closer and closer and I began to think that maybe (just maybe) you liked me. We even held hands in a movie once when I was scared and you were worried about me. I was 12 and innocent and thought with all my heart that this could work even though both of us were moving to different places. And then my cousin told me to try telling you I liked you and since I was visiting her I mustered up the courage from somewhere while we were chatting. But I don't even know if that was you or your sister. And you never replied. You signed out and didn't even reply to the many mails I sent you, still hoping. Finally, to save whatever was left of our friendship, I made my cousin send you a mail saying that she had done all that as a prank. And you still didn't reply.

And then we met on a tropical island holiday (doesn't that sound exotic) and spent time together as if everything was normal. But you still didn't reply to my mails. When you left, my heart broke. I had a physical pain in me and even my mother, who I never tell anything of this sort to, could tell. Of course nothing had happened between us. But it was the lost potential that I regretted.

I had never and still don't have any close guy friends. I'm not the kind of girl and I hang out with one of the uncooler groups in school. The only guys I know I talk casually to once a school day, something like "What's the answer to that question?" and "12" from me.

And once I moved I was sure that it was all over, I was over you now. It took me about 7 months to make the good friends (girls) that helped me settle in, but once that was done I barely thought about you.

I started liking guys and had an intense crush on one (of course I didn't know him at all - he was just popular and nice and hot). So I was fine, wasn't I?

Sure, I had the odd dream every six months and you were there, romantically, a few old memories and regrets would come back but nothing happened. I liked here.

You almost came and visited me, my brother and my dad once (my mum was out of town) when you were here on a school trip. I of course told 10 friends to call me when we were supposed to meet to show how much I had gotten over you. 2 did, but you went out with 2 girl friends. You invited me, but I didn't come. I wasn't comfortable.

And last weekend I visited you. My brother and your sister, despite their 6 year age difference (he's 17, she's 11), got along brilliantly and spent a lot of time together so we had some time alone. I met some of the numerous new girl friends you had made and learnt just how popular you were. And we spent time alone. I told myself that I didn't, I couldn't, like you.

But you awakened parts of me I didn't know were there. You asked me serious questions like you really wanted to know me, and cracked jokes with me. We became good friends and I (oh-so-casually) leaned on your back, ruffled your hair, and leaned close to you.

We (just the two of us) watched a movie together at your house. We lay next to each other on the bed (just our ankles and hips touching sometimes) until the scary parts came. And of course I held your hand. Not because it was scary but because I wanted to. And YOU GAVE ME BUTTERFLIES.

No guy has ever given me butterflies in my stomach. You gently stroked the back of my hand with your thumb and made my stomach feel weightless. It seemed like you weren't aware of me, but then when your mother or your sister came into the room you would take it away.

I buried my head in the pillow in the end, pretending I was scared, and went a little closer to you. Just like heaven.

But now I'm back. With some pain, but not the same kind as after that holiday. And I can't forget you - maybe hope we're in the same university or we meet somewhere again; and I look older and MUCH MUCH better and I tell you I used to like you and you can't resist me. And then we will kiss.

That won't happen, will it?

Some of my friends say you used to like me, some of them don't know. If anyone's reading, what do you think? I have no idea....

From
Me