The end of an era/ Portrait of a family

When did I stop crying everytime my mother did? As a child, her tears had the capacity to move me to the extent that I would burst into tears whenever she did. She was always smiling, and even if she got angry (which I don't remember happening when I was young), she never cried.

Of course, once or twice my brother and her fought to the extent when she cried from frustration or anger or sadness. But I was just the comforter, who brought her towels, remained her "reason for staying in the family", and reassured her.

What is it now? If I was to put a timeframe on it, we've been fighting viciously and with fits and starts for the last six months. Maybe it's moving (as she vehemently insists) to a new environment. But I think it's about my growing up. Whatever the reason, we get into fights. She nags (often for a legitimate reason), I don't agree, and we end up fighting. I needle her, she gets frustrated and tries to hurt me, and it inevitably ends in tears (usually hers). When they're tears of sadness, I sometimes try and comfort her. But otherwise I just get more angry.

The thing is, our fights aren't simple any more. I can't tell whose fault it is each time, or when it begins to go wrong, and I can't stop myself from getting angry, or responding to her remarks. I justify it to myself, she's older than me, shouldn't she be mature? She gets angry. My dad gets the blame by virtue of his being like-minded with me, and he unconsciously sides with me sometimes. But he's a patient man, usually. I wonder if now they're together because they don't want to let go of habit? No, that's too negative. They're excited when they're with each other, and the real problem in their relationship is the children and their differing parenting styles. She does end up being over-emotional and over-angry. She resorts to threats, because she feels she isn't being heard, or appreciated, or even noticed. He doesn't nag about everything, usually because he leaves it to her. He's more relaxed and jokey, but when he gets angry he gets angry. Neither method really produces results in getting us children to do whatever they're trying to get us to do (usually something that's right). Are we spoilt?

My brother's left, and is rarely in contact. That sounds worse than it is, he's just caught up in college life and remaining in touch with us isn't his first priority. He's always apologetic when he eventually calls.

The fights between me and my mother have reached the extent to which I don't even care any more. When she threatens to leave the house, when she tells me I take every opportunity to put her down, when she tells me I don't love her any more, when she scratches me or tries to hit me (in moments of extreme anger), when she complains how I spend no time with her any more - I just listen. Actually, this may be wishful thinking on my part. I usually argue back. Which leads to more fighting. The thing is, I don't believe her insults, but she takes mine completely to heart. And today, when she cried, it didn't affect me at all. I felt a little sorry, this was obviously her way of coping with the situation, but I made no move to comfort her. My father did, and was pushed away. I wonder how they stay together.

When did my mother become the enemy?

What do we fight about? What happens is that small fights always turn into bigger issues. My not doing exercise, or not studying properly, or not doing college essays properly, or not talking to her enough, or being rude, or her issues with her mother-in-law and my perceived defending of her or whatever. It always turns into a bundle of all the issues jumbled up together into a big mess of screaming and hurtfulness and crying and rudeness.

This may be bias on my part, but I feel that the blame lies largely with her. Her turning one issue into many. (My rudeness). Her anger. (My refusal to comply with her demands). Her hysteria and unwillingness to change her mind or compromise about even one little thing. (My provocation).

This post has more questions than answers, as my mind does currently. It's abrupt and without explanation. But I feel a little clearer. Maybe I should suggest writing out the issues as a solution to the family?