Muse (ings)

This post was meant to be whiny and moany (in a non-sexual way, of course). I was bummed (for a reason I will come to properly later) and wanted to use this as a way to vent, having probably tired my friends of listening to me over-analyze the same issues over and OVER again.

But then yesterday, I took a look at my old diary (for reasons I will come to later). And another diary in which I had written in detail about the 'tropical island holiday' (see this post for details), and they helped.

Let me explain. As usual, it's related to X. This is possibly a little sad, but believe me, I'd give anything to be able to feel the same way about someone else. I think it's just because he's nice, smart, reasonably attractive (not even my own opinion), and actually talks to me. It's not that guys in school ignore me, but I talk to them on a very superficial level. And I know I'm awkward and a little prickly. Which is why I'm waiting until I get to college (I'm a senior now!).

He was in town with his school for a few days (for a reason too specific to be mentioned here). And for the first two days he was here, I was at the same place he was - for a competition of sorts (again, too specific), but didn't make a serious attempt to look for him. I REALLY wanted to, but tried to restrain myself. I knew where he was, but didn't end up bumping into him. There were 1060 people there, after all. And that's only participants.

But there was a 'Social' where I walked past him, and called out. He did a double-take. He needed to go get food, so he said he'd come find me later. He actually did. We had an intense three-minute conversation about colleges, family, and nothing much. But I remembered EVERYTHING that had happened.

Somewhat depressed. At intervals. Nothing serious. But slightly low moods. And a lot of wallowing in memories. Back to the diaries. Reading over them convinced me he may have liked me at one point in time. As for present feelings, they are a mystery. There is much 0ver-analyzing on my part. This blog helped too, this morning when I was upset. It also made me think that perhaps I'm not as bad a writer as I assume. I'm not as average as I thought I was at writing. So this blog has achieved its purpose. It has been cathartic.

P. S. - I've been working on this entry pretty much over the course of the day, while I procrastinated at doing other things, and worked for a bit. I chatted with him for a while too, mostly on my part. He did ask me why I didn't dance with him though. Made my day :) Despite later reassurance (as part of a discussion) that dancing one-on-one wasn't necessarily romantic.