Postscript/ Perfection or Messiness?

Despite the tone of the last post, things weren't too bad. There was certainly a rough phase, but the longer period was struggling with letting go of what had happened.

There was a big part of me that just didn't want to let go. Things had gone so well, how could I just let something like that go? It's like eating a bite of really good cake, and then just being like well, now I'm done, time to throw it away.

And I've never been one of those people who seriously feels like they need a boy in my life. Sure, sometimes I would wonder if I'd been missing out and what I was missing out on. Once in a while I would think wistfully about it after watching some sappy movie. But it wouldn't be like this. It wouldn't be knowing how fantastic it could be to spend time with someone you care about who cares about you and how you can literally be happy just going anywhere and just being there with them. It wouldn't be thinking about a moment and how much more fantastic it might be if he was there.

It's not like I think life is incomplete without a romance, but it's just a pretty rich layer it adds to your life, and it can seem a little colourless without it, even if it isn't really.

I was worried that my standards were too high after the perfection of this encounter. How could anything possibly match up? Wouldn't I be comparing every future boy to him and every future encounter to ours? I think lots of girls would be lucky to have him. Not only is he physically attractive, he doesn't even know it (making him nice), he is quiet and thoughtful, reads voraciously, enjoys cooking, believes honestly in things, is a little bit of a genuine hipster (more than a little), and is even funny in an understated way. He knows me so well, puts up with all my little (and big) craziness, and it just seemed like an effort to build this up with someone else.

One friend said something that helped me in this regard. If I thought about the last guy I'd liked, it wasn't even a similar situation and they weren't similar in many ways at all. The next guy I fell for would probably approach my heart in a different way, but that didn't mean it wouldn't be as special.

It's been a slow progression, but I think I'm actually over him at this point. The fact that it's been about three months has definitely helped. Not seeing him in person and only Skyping once is also a factor. We still talk almost every day (with a few exceptions depending on when I decided to stop talking for a while, which would end up being 4-5 days at most), but it just feels different to me.

Definitely something that's hard to explain to concerned friends who think I might still be dwelling but I just realize in my feelings and actions that I'm acting in a different way towards him. He's still special to me and holds what can best be described as a soft spot in my heart. But it's certainly not the same as it was, which I realize when I look back at the way I felt with a sense of surprise that it's so different from the way I feel now - something I don't actually realize.

Honestly, I'm a little surprised I'm here. But it's not a bad place to be. Might actually get the chance to see him soon, not sure how that's going to mess with this. Not thinking about it right now, there's no need.

There's a little bit of hurt about the fact that it meant more to me than it did to him, but I'm not really letting it concern me. I don't like feeling like one among many flings, but that's just life sometimes and it was special when I was there.

Life is a little more stable now and a little less exciting, and I'm doing good.