Scared of what the future holds

I've come to a realization that's made just about everybody in my life sigh in exasperation at me. It's a 'finally' kind of sigh, where they berate me for not realizing what they've been telling me all along. I suppose some things are only significant when you realize them on your own.

Funnily enough, a video from a TV show brought it to me. While watching the main character berate her hookup for not caring enough despite her having told him he didn't have to care, and watching her try and break it off with him - just somehow every word she said hit home for me. She claimed that she didn't want a boyfriend, she just wanted someone who just wanted her and to spend time with her.

Sounds familiar? To me it did. I had been acting a little bit ridiculous, and after being confused about my feelings for so long, I figured out that I hadn't been being honest with myself. I did want him. I do want him.

It just seems natural to me at this point, not even surprising. Like, of course I like him. There was certainly a brief phase in January where I was more over it and didn't care as much, but talking continually somehow brought me back to caring deeply about him. The feelings seem more complex than the puppy love of September, but I would hesitate to call them actual love. Certainly a strong like.

What do I want from this? Well, I still have no clarity about my future plans and don't know if we'll even be in the same area next year. Which is a big hurdle. But I do know that I need to know if he cares about me as more than just a friend, or whether this was more a 'friends-with-benefits' situation for him. Like the one he had last spring.

I would want to date him when he comes back, about a month after I come back to college. If I have to leave after, then at least we would have had that time together. It wouldn't have to be a serious relationship, just something much like what we're doing right now, but close-distance.

Honestly, I'm terrified. I wish I hadn't realized I felt this way, because it was much simpler when I thought that everything was fine and dandy the way it was. I don't regret anything that happened in the past, and I think that was right for what I wanted then. But this doesn't change what I want now. Now that I know I feel this way, I have to tell him, because it would be awkward if anything happened between us with misaligned expectations (I would just feel wrong, and like I was somewhat taking advantage of him).

There's absolutely no reason for his feelings to have changed, and I get a sinking feeling every time I think of bringing this up. I know it needs to happen now that I know how I feel, preferably soon after I see him, but I know that once he doesn't return my feelings, it's going to make the rest of the trip terribly awkward. I can't think of a way to salvage it. I just hope I have enough pride to know not to try and convince him to feel the way I want him to.

This contradicts many things I said in my last post. Let's assume I gained wisdom with time?

One and a half days until I see him. Is it bad that I'm not excited?