Second honeymoon

I am reflecting now what a weird title this is. I can't think of any other way to describe this.

The last post was pretty Zen, which wasn't a bad description of how I was feeling.

I talked to him about two days after that, and he seemed very eager to talk and full of questions about my life. I decided to relent a little and not hold on to anger about his not contacting me sooner (he was indeed apparently confused and trying to give me space).

I explained everything that had been on my mind - as I already detailed in the last post - most of which he already knew, since I'm good at sending detailed emails/ instant messages about my feelings. He seemed to think I had been pretty clear.

He didn't really have much to add, having already agreed earlier that he should have told me and that he was sorry about that. He thought I had a right to know about these things, and merely tried to explain his point-of-view further. I know that when he feels awkward about things, he tries to avoid talking about them, which he explained was what he did in this case, not realizing how short-sighted that was.

I agreed that I understood that, but that I believed he needed to try and talk about things that bothered him in general, and especially 'ex' situations. He said he was always going to be reluctant to talk about certain things, but that he'd been trying over the last couple of years.

Basically it was a general meeting each other halfway situation, though in this case specifically I still believe he was in the wrong.

We then moved on to talking about the weekend itself, which he seemed rather reluctant to dive into, since it seemed like it had not gone well. This instantly inspired a reaction within me of being annoyed about him not understanding what I meant about not wanting to have to ask questions about these types of things. However, I decided to let it go temporarily and see how he felt talking about it.

It turns out that this girl arrived, and thought it meant they were dating. In some ways, I can see how this might have come about with his friendly manner, and the way he just tends to avoid uncomfortable conversations. He said he tried to make it really clear to her before she arrived without actually assuming anything about her visit (which I could see many of my other friends doing also), and that they had hardly talked. I have no reason to distrust him, and don't.

What I did clarify was that I thought he hadn't made it clear enough to her, if he wanted to avoid awkwardness. However, he clearly felt remorseful enough about this, and this wasn't what had made me upset in the first place, so I didn't pursue this line too much.

Once she began referring to them as 'us', he talked to her and let her know that they weren't together and that he was seeing someone (me!), and what had happened between them, and why they weren't together. Sounds supremely awkward and uncomfortable on both ends, and I felt quite bad for her. Not too bad, though.

Apparently, she didn't want to let this conversation go, and kept coming up with new points to try and convince him through the course of the weekend. So there's that.

He seemed to think I would be upset as he was telling me about this (since I mentioned it didn't make me feel good to have to have to ask these types of questions about the details of what happened), and apologized for that and explained that he felt as bad/ worse just talking about it. It didn't make me upset to hear about it, in fact I felt a little vindicated (schadenfreude?).

We ended the conversation with me stating that I would hope that nothing like this would occur in the future, and that he should be honest with me if they do. Like I mentioned, I like saying things.

Since then, things have been pretty great with us. We've been having some great conversations, have managed to Skype, and I feel in touch with him and what's going on in his life. I'm trying not to question him too much about things I know he's worrying about, like figuring out his plans for the summer. Things just seem great, and I feel pretty crazy about him.

I worry a little that I might be too into him, and that this might end up hurting me in the future. But (as some helpful friends said), I think that I'm strong enough to be able to deal with whatever comes up. And there's no point in worrying about it now. And I know he would never intentionally hurt me.

What I think I need to remind him of is that I will never ask him about these kinds of things again, so he should know that if he wants us to be open and trusting with each other, he should talk to me if there's any developments with any of his exes. Obviously I don't need to know all the details all the time, but especially if something changes, and (even more importantly) if there's something he's thinking about in a happy (glad they can be friends)/ sad/ awkward/ weird kind of way, then that's the kind of stuff I would expect him to share with me. And not expect me to ask about, as I will probably not be doing so in the future but would still expect to know.

Most of this is obvious, so maybe it will be a more gentle reminder.

Only about three more weeks till I see him!