No such thing as peace

I will say this (which I had disavowed earlier) - having a 'boyfriend' of sorts certainly has taught me a lot about myself. Not necessarily good things, but definitely things that I can at least improve on.

An important thing is that I'm not very good with being direct about communication - especially when I feel as though I'm being illogical about something. I prefer to try and conceal, though my feelings show through to those who know me well, and ends up emerging as passive-aggressiveness. I'm attempting to remedy this by being as open and clear about my feelings as possible, and bringing up things that annoy me directly.

So far, this hasn't been anything major (at least in my mind). Most of our 'conflicts' have been more inside my head, and more to do with the larger issue that I question whether he believes that I am important to him.

As mentioned, he's not particularly big on talking about his feelings (especially those pertaining to me), and I don't always note the ways he demonstrates them. I also get the sense that he's not sharing enough about his life or concerns with me, and feel like this 'nosy stranger' who simply questions him and with whom he doesn't necessarily share things.

I often push him to tell me more, or about these issues, which lead to our conflict when I visited him, and some little annoyances mostly on my end since. I've always felt as though I was pretty right about this - since intimacy is built by sharing these things, and it makes me feel better to tell him things.

However, I was recently reading some materials for a class, and came upon some incredibly interesting and applicable ideas. I wouldn't be too dramatic to characterize them as a revelation, and something that I want to use to act on in all my relationships (romantic and otherwise).

The first was as follows - the idea of intimacy has turned into something that is solely based upon talking and sharing 'everything' and depending on another person. However, this is pretty unhealthy and is not necessarily what couples and therapists should be pushing for. People who do exhibit low 'differentiation' tend to exhibit such tendencies, where they depend a lot on the reactions/ opinions of those close to them and can't deal with their disapproval.

This is a barrier to true intimacy, since you're always pushing/ pressuring others (especially those reluctant to do so) to share with you or expecting them to react the way you want them to. This places a lot of pressure on them (and also power in their hands), and means that they might feel afraid of disappointing or resentful.

What I have to work on is soothing my own anxiety instead of depending on other people to do it for me. When I tell people things, it will be because I love them and want to tell them about things important to me - not because I want them to make me feel better or to tell me things or to respond a certain way. I do love them and want to tell them important things, but I think currently it involves a little too much of the latter set of feelings.

It doesn't mean that I have to change my opinions about things - what's important to me (aka him being open about his life) can still be important to me. However, what will change is me pushing him about it. He will know that I like him to share things, but that it's not necessary - although good for us to grow closer to each other. And I will work on gaining appreciation of other types of non-verbal intimacy and the fact that he still cares about me and is a wonderful person.

Basically, the only thing I can really control is my reaction to situations. And that's the only thing I should be trying to control. Not him or anyone else. I shouldn't also be afraid of revealing parts of myself that I think other people won't like. Including vulnerabilities.

Since this realization, I've been really happy and feeling much calmer about everything - us included. This has yet to meet the litmus test of actually interacting with him (especially not from a distance), but I'm hoping it does, and trying to apply to friendships to strengthen it in the meantime.

Exercises about strengthening boundary control and not being so porous about letting other people in, as well as about calming down myself and trying to deal with things more by myself instead of immediately taking them to others. This doesn't mean others can't help me feel better, but just that I shouldn't expect them to. Since I lean towards overdependence, leaning heavily towards independence and self-reliance will probably just mean that I reach being normal about these things.

Sometimes my concern with pushing him about these things is that I'm stepping all over his feelings, or pushing him into things he's not comfortable with, or being selfish by not allowing him to tell me about his life/ asking about it. But I think it's okay for me to assume that he's mature enough to tell me about these things instead of me having to worry about it.

(Note: It's interesting how I just jump into conversations/ posts by just referring to him as 'he' and expecting others to instantly understand who I am talking about).

The reason this cropped up, is because he made a relatively serious mistake for the first time. The girl he hooked up with before he met me (referenced here) is visiting him from another continent, and he failed to mention this fact to me, even when discussing that she was visiting. He didn't hide it, but wasn't forthright. She's staying at his place, he's known about this for a couple of weeks, and she probably doesn't know I exist in some capacity.

Obviously this makes me angry and upset, tying into the larger issue that I feel as though I'm not important to him and he doesn't seem to care too much/ prioritize me. This is not necessarily untrue, but I don't think I should proceed with that assumption. And even if it is true, I won't regret not pushing him to tell me things. The only thing I can control is me, and even if things don't end up working out, I'll be happy with what I learned and how I reacted after the initial hurt and anger.

Look at me growing!