In-between

Continuing on from the last post, I left for the summer (he was staying there), thinking I'd never see him again. I was interning in another city (albeit in the same country) for the summer, and I knew next-to-nothing about the city or internship I was going to, and was frankly a little afraid. Even though my mother came with me to help me settle into the city and the internship ended up being amazing, the beginning was a little shaky and having him there to talk me through it was really reassuring somehow.

Despite the distance, I feel as though we grew closer over the summer. We talked via text or GChat every day, and it felt like a continuous conversation all summer. Slowly, I learned more about him and we became real, good friends instead of just mildly flirty acquaintances. I didn't really miss him because he felt near. I sometimes/ often felt like I was stretching the conversation and merely trying to keep it going while he wasn't that interested, but it somehow persevered (mostly through effort on my part).

My friend often suggested I had this continuous perspective that he wasn't interested in me, and kept trying to frame my stories to fit this. Aka I 'rationalize every little detail to make it seem like he's not interested'. Not that my stories necessarily required that much framing, but this is genuinely the way I tend to think about romantic interactions - I always assume the other person just isn't that interested and that I'm just putting myself out there. I kept deciding we were just friends or that he wasn't interested or something similar or all of the above. So read this story with that perspective, though I'm trying to keep it as neutral as possible this is my blog.

I knew I was visiting my college town once over the summer, and there was really only one weekend I could visit (my boss allowed me to take the Thursday and Friday off). Unfortunately he looked like he was going to be away that weekend on a family trip. Half-jokingly (but not in my head) I suggested that he try and find another date, and he said he would. And he did. I'm still not sure how much actual manoeuvring that involved, but I wasn't complaining.

Some vague plans had been made to watch Shakespeare in the Park when I visited because I had suggested it to him and he just said we should go when I was there. No concrete plans were made, but I was excited because it was a pretty date-y activity, much as I tried to convince myself otherwise.

I wasn't sure where our feelings stood at this point (at one point he had jokingly said he loved me when I joked that I hated him, which I took as evidence that I was in the 'just friends' category), I vacillated between trying to not read too much into his actions while doing so anyway. I kept trying to convince myself (and others) that there was nothing between us, and reading too much into little things he did. Every once in a while, I would be completely certain he didn't want to continue the conversation and just decide to give up but then want to talk to him again. I would decide we were 'just friends', much to the continuing exasperation of my friends.

I drunk called him once or twice (from work retreats) - once before my visit and once after. Results were mixed, because I enjoyed the conversation but sometimes grew frustrated with his sleepiness or being engaged in other conversations.

We made plans for him to pick me up from the airport (one of my mother's conditions if I took the Wednesday night flight instead of Thursday morning) even though he didn't have a car, and to go on the outing to the play in the park. I was definitely excited about the weekend, though I had no idea what to expect. I tried my best not to expect too much.