Little Things

- Before visiting my house, he kept joking that he was going to be asking for baby photos and bonding with my parents about embarrassing stories. Though he never quite asked, I mocked him on the second day or so for not being particularly observant given the number of photos scattered around the house. I suppose this inspired him, since soon after that he found a picture book my mum had had made for my dad, which had a bunch of baby photos of me. Fortunately I was an adorable child, but there were still some from the awkward stages that might not be the best.

- The bonding with my parents was also somewhat of a reality, since they would support each other while turning against me - whether about my sense of direction or 'bossiness' etc. It was all in a joking fashion, and I was tickled by the completely false stories he came up with to support my parents when they were talking about the large amounts I purportedly managed to sleep.

- Bossiness was a word that he used to describe me after agreeing upon it with my parents. It wasn't in an offensive way, but when we were in his town, I noticed more of his directive tendencies and brought up that he "was being bossy", to which his response was just "yeah, so?". As I quite enjoyed the more dominant side of him, I had no objections and was given a better way to own being called that word (which didn't bother me in the first place).

- I was filling water jugs at home (as my mother had asked), and he was watching, making me nervous  and causing me to splash water all over myself. Of course this didn't help his pulling my leg about it.

- On the second day when he was visiting my house, I brought up that I might be smothering him. He thought I meant literally on the chair that we were once again curled up on and said this wasn't the case, but I meant more in terms of always needing to be touching him. He also assured me that this wasn't the case, and I didn't think too much about it for the rest of the trip.

- When making out on 'his' bed in my house while I was purportedly packing, music was playing from my dock in my room. My iPod contains music all the way from when I was in Class 8, so Nickelback came on at some point. It was...not romantic, although I did start giggling and pause.

- When I went to say goodnight to him on the first night, I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt - which would be considered weird in my household, and told him to put one on. Despite his "seriously?" response and claims that he never wore a shirt while sleeping, I insisted and he grabbed his shirt and put it on in the dark. It was both inside-out and backwards, but I made no comment. I did check under the blanket and ask to make sure he was wearing pants of some kind and he said "of course!" but to be fair I'd never seen him wear his sleep shorts. (also noted in post about visit)

- At some point while making out at my house, I mentioned that I couldn't wait to be at his place and be able to continue uninterrupted. I then recalled we'd be staying with his family and asked once again if he thought it would be okay that we'd be doing this kind of stuff in their house/ with me staying in his room, and he clarified that they had asked at least twice if I wanted to do so. He thought I might appreciate the space to put my stuff and thus suggested I have my own room, but this meant they didn't have any moral objections to the idea of me being in his room. Furthermore, his room was on a separate floor, meaning we would have plenty of privacy as needed.

- Also a note about sitting on that chair, he made some offhand remark while I was on it about how it wasn't meant for two, and I moved off, mildly offended. He said "that wasn't what he meant", and deciding it was stupid to be annoyed, I moved back shortly after. I did ask a couple of times about crushing him, and he declared it was fine, so I tried not to worry too much.

- Similarly, when I was on his bed, he made some remark about the bed not being made for two people, to which I responded "Fine, I'll go" and he said I should "take that bad attitude with me" and promptly drifted off into sleep. I knew he was joking, but I was quite hurt and not too sure how to express it, and thus poked him awake quite viciously and let him know half-jokingly that he couldn't say that.

- The poking thing was something I discovered - for some reason I had thought he wasn't ticklish, but I was delighted to find that poking him in the midsection made him squirm. Naturally I took advantage of this at every opportunity despite his avowed hatred of it. At some point while on his lap and kissing him, I tried to do this, but he grabbed my hands and held them behind my back as we continued kissing in order to prevent me from doing so. Since this was kind of a desire, I poked him every time he let go of my hands to ensure he continued doing so. However, it was slightly less thrilling than I had imagined it, and eventually I teased him by saying that him doing this was kind of putting a damper on the plans I had for the ways in which I intended to use my hands, and he let go very shortly after.

- He referred to the poking thing as "one of the worst qualities [a person could have]" - it had turned into this sort-of joke where he referred to things I mentioned in that way. For example, my inability to let others help me etc. It wasn't serious qualities or serious criticism - it's hard to explain but it was more like light suggestions and exaggeration.

- I noted that he seemed to have a tendency to not make way on the path for people approaching on the street, which is the very opposite of me. I always move out of my way to accommodate people or feel terribly rude if I don't do so. It slightly bothered me since I thought of him as a little inconsiderate, but further reflection makes me wonder why people shouldn't make room for me sometimes.

- I grew nervous every time we crossed the road. He seemed to charge forward somewhat, while I remained more restrained and cautious (but okay if I was holding his hand). He noted this once by shaking my hand he was holding as we crossed and saying that I was "so tense" and needed to relax.

- A lot of remarks were made by him about the size of my suitcase and how I couldn't possibly need that many clothes. I did end up wearing most of them somehow. I didn't mind the comments since he was mostly the one carrying or dragging it (though I was a little guilty about that), and the host mum bonded with me upon reflecting that girls just had more clothes. Though she did wonder how I had managed to bring it on the budget airline with me.

- The mom of the family wondered how I wasn't very large despite claiming to eat a lot of chocolate, saying that she would be huge if she let herself eat as much as she wanted to. I explained that I didn't exercise, but didn't really have a good answer and instead settled for saying somewhat lamely that my father was larger (something F was a little embarrassed about translating and tried to censor).

- He kissed me every time he left for class, and I liked it. I mentioned something at some other point (after he'd first done it) about how married couples that kissed before leaving were likelier to stay together longer, and even despite clarifying confounding variables and that I wasn't comparing us to being married, I think he got the point about little gestures being important.

- Kissing him awake was something I had thought about, but the idea creeped me out a little bit because it just didn't seem appealing to kiss someone who was unaware. This time I tried it, after poking him a couple of times but before he was actually fully awake, and it was weird as suspected. He seemed kind of startled and a little taken aback, and though it did wake him up and he kissed me back, the reaction was slightly delayed. It's more of a romantic idea than a fun reality, I think.

- Blowing kisses was also something I noticed he had a tendency to do half-jokingly as he was leaving. I wasn't quite sure how to react - this has never been something I've done or something my family does, and so I kind of scrunched up my face and probably just looked confused each time.

- Navigating the stairs was difficult in the dark, since emerging from the bedroom upstairs or the kitchen downstairs was nearly always into complete darkness, since they didn't believe in leaving the lights in the corridor on. I would generally be going first and then have to pause since I wasn't familiar enough with the house to avoid falling up or down the stairs. I'd then wait for him to put his arms on my shoulders and guide me ahead, or reach for him and take tentative steps, at least until he got to the light switch. I weirdly enjoyed this dark navigation.

- Speaking of stairs, I took opportunities to kiss him when going down or up stairs. Mostly when I noticed that I was slightly elevated somehow (or he was lower) and it would be easier to do so, and if the moment seemed opportune. I'd pull on his hood or some article of his clothing, and he'd get the message pretty quickly and we'd briefly kiss. Stairs, sidewalks, walkways - all fair game.

- I came upon some notes and photos his friends had given him for his birthday, and he mentioned that he had taken the photo I had sent him home and forgotten it there, so the photos weren't complete. I played it off with a "Well, you're not even in that photo, it's fine". This did make me remember the birthday letter I had sent him, though he said he had no recollection of it so it must have gotten lost in the post, which was mildly disappointing but not the end of the world.

- Another time we were talking, we somehow got to the topic of our first kiss in the lake, and he seemed surprised that this was our first kiss, seeming to remember it as something else. I know he forgets most things, but it's this type of thing that makes me wonder if he actually cares (despite his saying so), because presumably these aren't the type of details easily forgotten.

- My own memories about this trip also were a little different than previous occasions. They didn't seem to stick out as much from other standard memories or be as special and clear to remember, and I don't keep reliving them over and over in my head. I'm not sure exactly what this means, probably just that I'm treating this more like a normal relationship given that there's more time together.

- Throughout the trip, he kept explaining things about the country's language to me. I did ask a bunch of questions, and he was easily far more fluent than I was, but some of the things he said were obvious and I said "I know". He was mildly offended, explaining that when he was in a foreign country he liked understanding the language better. I explained that I had no objections to that, but he seemed to think I understood nothing, which was not the case.

- While talking, he asked me what my favourite poem was, and for some reason I was embarrassed about telling him since it seemed to me like not a very literary poet and an amateurish choice. I believe I mentioned something about this and avoided the question (it's e.e. cummings), and mentioned that I hadn't read very much poetry.

- He introduced me to this TV show that I found absolutely hilarious. I'd heard of it before, but just assumed I wouldn't like it given that it was about teenage boys and their minds, but I found myself laughing heartily at lots of the humour.

- During a casual conversation, he said something about how he was "never having a daughter" (I promise it made sense in the context of the conversation) and we ended up jokingly discussing never having kids, with him making some joke about never having sex. I know he doesn't have moral objections to premarital coitus, and so the next time we were making out (and more), I brought it up jokingly, along the lines of "sooo, you're never having sex, huh?". His response? "Of course not" (as in of course that's not true).

- Very recently, I've taken to wearing an old necklace I found that one of my friends gave me. I only put it on when it makes sense with the neckline of my outfit, but I wore it a bunch during the trip. I take it off before I sleep and put it on most mornings, and sometimes solicited his help with doing so. Even though I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself, I did so because I enjoyed having him there to help (and it's a weirdly intimate moment). Before I left, I saw the necklace on his bedside table and swept it into a drawer so when I 'accidentally' left it there, he wouldn't notice before I had left. I'm not sure why I left it there, perhaps as some kind of reminder.

- While using social media when he was next to me, I pointed out one of my friends' boyfriends who one of my other friends believed was not good-looking enough to be dating my friend. I do think this friend of mine is very pretty, but had no strong views on the matter. Still, I was taken aback when he said that they 'seemed equal' and it wasn't that surprising that the two of them were dating, since he seemed quite strong on the matter.

- I showed him the video that had made me realize I liked him, telling him after that this was the case. He seemed shocked that I had associated this with him, telling me it made no sense. I told him it somehow brought home the fact that I was acting ridiculous, but he didn't seem convinced.

- He was continually offering me different types of food and bringing me food and trying to make sure that I was eating. Perhaps he thought that I didn't eat very much? This is not true, though my appetite did seem diminished during the trip. I think he was also partially influenced by my mother doing the same for him, since once when I rejected food he said my parents were going to think that he starved me (and also that he tired me out, given how exhausted I seemed during the trip). Or maybe he just cares.

- I joked about the host family's pet dog liking me more than it liked him. It definitely liked me, given my propensity to pet it enthusiastically every time I saw it, and demonstrated this liking by always coming to greet me and presenting parts of itself (butt, back, head mostly) to my hands for me to pet. He said this was nonsense, but I stood by it and teased him about it every time the dog did so.

- At dinner with his host family, we were discussing some country (Mauritius I believe), and he got a little smirk and asked me what the capital was - this was an old joke between us. I couldn't remember, although something came to mind. I said nothing, and he grinned and responded "Port Louis" with this adorably smug attitude, which I shrugged off.

- Some morning when we were sitting around watching TV or something, I was feeling really warm as a result of his (incredibly thin but long-sleeved) shirt I was wearing, being under the blankets, and sitting right next to him. Despite kicking off the blanket, I was still very warm. I can't remember if this was his suggestion or mine, but the idea of taking off my shirt got jokingly thrown out, and I considered it seriously and then forgot about it. He brought it up a very short while later, letting me know that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable about taking it off if I was warm and that he "wasn't going to stare or anything". I laughed at this, explaining that since he'd seen it all anyway, why would I now feel self-conscious? He shrugged it off, explaining that he just didn't want me to feel uncomfortable and I smiled and took it off casually.

- A note on that shirt: I didn't realize this entirely, but my animal print bra showed very clearly through it, and I wore it to breakfast with his family. They weren't quite there and I did have a cardigan, but when I asked him later if he had been able to see my bra through the shirt all morning, he responded "Yeaaahhh". I could only respond with a half-sarcastic, half-embarrassed "Great".

- Through the trip, I expressed the desire to see him with his glasses on – he knew I found him really attractive in them, and I detailed during our first relationship talk at my house why this was the case. It added an intellectual aspect to his good looks, and I found them irresistible for some reason. He steadfastly refused, claiming that he hated his spectacles and found them inconvenient. I continued to remind him at intervals jokingly, in the half-hope that he would relent at some point, but he did not.

- After writing some of these posts about the trip, I'm a little bit anxious about the state of our relationship. I know it can't always be perfect, but perhaps I'm just missing or trying to ignore warning signs? We haven't been talking much after I left, and perhaps I'm just more sensitive to his initiation of conversation but he seems less inclined towards it than usual. I don't want to have to try and convince him that I'm not crazy or have him be looking for this to emerge, nor do I want to stop being myself. Nor do I want a relationship that brings me more anxiety than happiness. Of course, I also don't want to act crazy. Currently, I'm of the mindset that it would be relatively easy to call it off if it's not going to be good - I don't know how realistic this is. Perhaps a good talk with a get-a-grip friend is in order. I also need to just wait and see how things go, it's been only a few days.