Things I don't want to think about

(Note: Most of this was written in the past, before it was published, and that should hopefully explain the tenses and timing)

I feel a sense of vague anxiety, which not much seems to allay. F and I have barely talked since I left, apart from a brief conversation before I sent the email. He was away for the weekend, but we didn't talk until Monday night, and that too was brief and he seemed unresponsive - apparently sleepy. I sent my usual offline messages yesterday, and today (Wednesday) we haven't talked either. I've resolved to not send any more messages until he responds. I am sick and tired of being the needy person who chases after him.

I'm pretty angry with him, in fact. I know he's been online and it feels like there's this sort of tension between us, and I think it's due to him. Has he bothered responding to my email or bringing things up? Has he tried to continue the normal, friendly, light conversation that I've been trying to start? The answer is no and no. It's not even the email thing, since I did let him know he could take time to respond. I'm just generally irritated by him, it feels like a lack of communication and not at all what the start of a relationship should feel like.

Family Happiness by Tolstoy seems to cause shivers of recognition in me - for the initial romance and feeling of love, for the feelings of distance, for the way in which the other person doesn't seem to understand the complexity of your feelings - the words seem to do a good job of conveying the whirl of feelings I have in my head.

Wouldn't it be easier to just break things off now? I just feel distant from him and feel no particularly strong emotions towards him in the way that I should. It feels a little dull and lonely, since he doesn't seem to be reaching out or care. But I can't bring it up for fear of sounding crazy. But I don't want him looking for craziness in me all the time now, I shouldn't be afraid to act the way I feel, just because I'm afraid of scaring him off. Still, what would I even say?

At the same time, I think I'm being a little too dramatic. It's easy for me to overthink things on my own, and create a whole story in my head. But what has really happened? Nothing. If I try to think of things to tell my friends, I have no words. What am I anxious about? Why do things feel different?

And when talking about him with other people and friends about little stories from our time together, I feel fine and content since I know they are nice stories, and there's still a caring there.

I think I'm irritated because he hasn't been responsive or shown any further signs that would indicate he cares, and I'm taking this as evidence that things aren't quite okay between us, and that he doesn't actually care or is rethinking the whole thing. My expectations have also changed a little - I expect a little more support and caring and reciprocation from him now, which frankly I haven't been getting. I'd be happy to discuss things with him, but there isn't necessarily much to say.

The best thing to do for now is to wait and see, I think. There's no use in overthinking in my head and coming to conclusions before even waiting to see his actions. I will not be reaching out before he does, and I think that will preserve my self-respect/ self-sufficiency. Besides, we will only be able to see answers to a lot of these when we're in person and 'together'.

This is a very confused post. Writing it did help me clear things up though, at least a little.

An update: He responded to one of the random messages I sent, and I had a sarcastic response about how he realized that it was possible to respond to things I say. He ignored that and conversation was a little sporadic. When I asked if everything was okay with us since we hadn't talked in a while (which was fine but I just wanted to check), he said that he had just been out of it.

Part of the angst has probably been because I'm at home with not much else to do but think about it - friends have been busy. The sinking feeling seems distant now, and I'd like to keep it that way, though I still worry a little about when we'll be together in person. After that, we've been conversing as normal and I haven't been too worried. We'll see how things are in person when the time comes. Look at me being normal! (Not really)